blog overload.

Prepare yourself for an overload of thoughts and pictures that have been hiding deep in the corner of my computer. It's been a while. Almost four months since I have sat on this very spot in my bed contemplating life and all it has to offer. But here I am. I am back.

Something about being home makes me want to blog about so many things. I feel like the blog was on the back burner while I was in Texas. Life is different there. I feel different there. I am a different person there. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.. including the blog. I didn't know what to write. I just kind of made up a buncha stuff to fill space and appease people. Now that I am home.. I find myself itching to write about everything and everyone. I am definitely the most myself at home.

Being back here is making me face all my problems. I kind of like being able to hide from things and not deal with them. Life is easier that way.

I tried dealing with some problems. The problems I left hiding in my closet when I moved away. It's overwhelming. I forgot how many things I just shoved in my closet last minute. I really should try to clean it out, but I can't. Not yet. I'm not quite ready to grow up 100%.

Speaking of life being easy. Life is easy when you do what people expect you to. You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to justify anything. You don't have to come up with excuses. You can kind of just, slide through life unnoticed. Which is horribly wonderful.

People keep telling me to be selfish for once in my life and go for what I want. Thing is, I already am selfish and I already have. Thing is, I need to be selfless instead. Whenever I am selfish, selflessness gets shoved back in my face. It's fine really, just sometimes I wish selfishness could win without catching up with me.

Today I ran into Mr. Heninger.. my English 30 teacher. I confessed about my 70% paper. He made me feel better. He inspired hope in me again. The situation made me realize that the paper I wrote for hygiene school was a joke and the instructor isn't even a certified teacher yet. She is a lovely person, of course, but she teaches Prevention. Prevention is a class about floss and toothpaste. It reminded me that people who know what they are talking about when it comes to writing seem to think I have a talent. I think I will still try to write a book someday. What a soul-saver.

I ran into so many people that I know. I love being home. I love knowing people and I love having people know me. I love walking down the street and recognizing people. It makes me feel real.

I haven't kissed a boy for ten months. I know this is just a small thing to be thinking about but ten months is a long time okay. And I like kissing. There. I said it. I'm human.

Do you sometimes wonder about the things people don't say to you? The things people are thinking or the things they want to say but can't? I do. What if you are thinking the exact same things. What if that long lost friend is just as sad as you are that your friendship ended at age twelve. What if you really think her shirt looks terrible on her but just can't tell her. What if what if what if. What if two people are just, living the same thoughts, but won't share them? It's a tragedy, really.

Lady Antebellum's album "We Own the Night" is incredible. Every single song. And not just because I saw them live. They are an amazing band. My favorite songs of theirs right now are definitely Somewhere Love Remains, and Dancin' Away With My Heart. They are both just truly adorable songs. The kind of song that I overly anticipate the chorus. The kind of song that hits my soul deeply because its such a real song. Wow I'm such an emotional person it's almost embarrassing. Oh well.

I miss Sarah Jo already. She is a keeper.

I always have these expectations of how things are going to be. Graduating. Birthdays. College. Getting off a flight.  All of these things just continue to be so anticlimactic. Sure, grad was super fun. I had a pretty dress and my hair worked out well. My date drove a nice truck and he thought looked better than he did at his own grad. And he did. But then grad just came and went and then it was over. Maybe some peoples birthdays are great, but mine are lame. Maybe it's because its right after Christmas or something, but my birthday always ends up being lame. College. Sure. College is a blast. But lets be real, it's not how it looks in the movies. Its full of homework and homesickness and eating ichiban and saving pennies. It's hard. And it's exhausting. At least for me it is. Walking off a flight. Man it'd be so fun to walk off a flight to a loved one with a bouquet of flowers. It would be wonderful to jump into their arms and hug them and have tears join together in the joy of a happy reunion. Nope. That doesn't happen. I'm not being negative or anything but I can't help it. Life is dull sometimes. I hope I am not the only one. I'm tired of it. I want a grand gesture. I want something that changes my life. I want something fabulously magical to happen.

Okay that was slightly negative and almost came across suicidal? I love life, really. Sometimes I relish in the greyness of life. It sure makes you appreciate the color when it finally happens.

Last Sunday in primary, I was playing some hymns quietly before it began and Jennifer, 5, came and sat on the piano bench next to me like she does every week. She began to sing along softly, melting my heart. She looked at my hands and said to me, "I always wanted to play the piano.." She then proceeded to watch my hands and move hers up and down the piano as I did. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a teacher. Crap. I guess I will be having ten kids instead.