boyfriend.

This is my boyfriend.

It's Cody. =)

He makes me laugh and he is my best friend.

We have been dating {again} for three months and five days.

For work, he sometimes has to stay in the middle of nowhere in a trailer overnight in a farmers field...

and it makes me grumpy because I don't get to see him, and he sometimes doesn't even have cell phone coverage.

How did I go two whole years without seeing him?

Jordi says our apartment smells like estrogen.

First of all.. an apology for all of these:

Have I mentioned I'm technically challenged? 

I write my NDHBE in five days.

National Dental Hygiene Board Examination.

That is pretty much the biggest test I have ever written, or will ever write.

Yes, this trumps my English 30-1 diploma... by a lot.

Pretty much I'm a tiny bit stressed about it.

So are my roomies. We all handle stress so differently. It's kind of humorous.

 Let's just say our emotions are all running pretty high these days. It will be so nice to get this test over with so we can all be functional human beings again. 

Hmmm while I'm thinking about it... just a brief apology to anyone who has had to deal with me and my unpredictable emotions over the past couple weeks. I promise I'm not always like this.

My sleeping habits are terrible. Terrible.

And they have been for about two weeks now.

I'm so surprised I'm not deathly ill by now. 

But life is so good. The weather has been warming up a tiny bit. Texas is lovely. I have the sweetest roommates. And my best friend is back from the dead. Oh and by dead I just mean Puerto Rico.

And it's like he never even left. Except now he speaks Spanish. It's pretty cool.

I haven't seen him in real life yet because I live in Texas and he lives at home. But that's fine, for now.

Have I ever mentioned how proud I am of him?

I am. 

He's changed like a million percent, but at the same time.. not at all. 

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by getting emotional so I'll stop now. =)

I also really need a hair cut. I don't think I have ever neglected my hair so much in my whole life. 

Amber if you ever read this.. please don't judge my split ends. I'll take care of it someday.. promise.

Life is not perfect. 

I don't think life ever really is entirely perfect. 

But it certainly is wonderful, and I'm not sure I have ever been happier. 

And I have a feeling it's just going to get better.

x

Sometimes I just have to say whats on my mind. Sorry if you don't like it.

I miss my best friend.

It's been lovely to have time to grow and learn about myself and become independent.

It's been lovely to be able to simply be me, and to work on becoming the person I want to become.

It's been lovely to be able to be in school without the distraction of a boyfriend that I want to be with all the time.. (I'm quite terrible at prioritizing when it comes to that sort of thing..)

It's been lovely to have someone to miss so much

someone to write letters to and someone who writes me back just as much, sometimes more

It's been lovely to live in this middle place where the future is so unknown

where nothing is really for sure

but I'm ready to stop this now.

I'm ready for these last few months to be finished.

I'm ready for a big hug. 

I'm ready to sing at the top of my lungs all of the songs I used to sing

I'm ready to really smile again and mean it

I'm ready for movie nights and airsoft wars.

I'm ready to have someone say goodnight to me and someone to listen to my ranting

I'm ready for someone to laugh with me when I'm being ridiculous

for someone to make me laugh when I'm sad

I'm ready for Sunday naps and late night conversations

I'm ready for my heart to stop hurting

and I'm ready to never have to say goodbye, ever again.

one hundred and six more days. 

source.

I really can't think of a title because this is really short.

Someone please grant me patience to survive these next seven months.

+

Because I miss Cody. Accept it.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Memory lane.

Well its 2 am and my heart hurts because I am missing Cody tonight. I have been doing that a lot lately. I think maybe it's because he is actually coming home soon(ish) and I am starting to get excited/nervous. 

Did you know he will be home in 204 days?

Okay so I guess I don't know for sure when he will be home yet.. but 204 more or less.

To most, I'm sure, that seems ridiculous.. 

but when you compare it to 731, it's really not very many days.

 In fact, that number seems quite small. =)

Maybe that is what has been picking at my mind. 

A return date would be nice. I like knowing things.

Anyway.  What I'm here for..

Story time.

So a little over two years ago, I was really sad. Looking back, I realize it was silly to be so sad but, my eighteen year old heart was quite broken it seemed.

Cody and I weren't dating at the time, but he was still very important to me and always remained a good friend through the ups and downs, even when I didn't deserve it.

We were in Waterton, and he knew I was sad so he was just keeping me company because he's a good friend like that. We decided to go for a walk. I was kind of cold so I took the big down-filled comforter off of my bed and wrapped myself up inside. We walked to the docks overlooking the lake and then decided to just lay down and talk.

He didn't have to ask why I was sad because he already knew, and even though it hurt him that I was sad, he just let me be sad and he let me talk about it. He offered advice, but he also just listened. I remember him scratching my back and then I remember him holding my hand. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in a "I'm your friend and I'm not leaving you because I know you need someone" sort of way. Sometimes thats all you need.

I shared my blanket with him and we just stayed there side by side.

I think I cried for a while. It's definitely possible.

Cody listened to every single reason why I was sad, even though it broke his heart to hear. We just stayed there on the docks, looking at the stars, and talking for hours and hours. 

That was the night I knew that Cody was for real. 

He wasn't going anywhere.

He showed me what unconditional love was.

Even though I didn't deserve a friend like him

even though I had hurt him

even though he loved me and I wasn't quiiite ready to love him back

even though I was silly and lost

even though I was immature and confused and blind

he was there for me.

Every single day.

He always said someday I would see 

Well, he was right..

and sure didn't take long. 

=)

And that is why, nearly eighteen months of being apart, I haven't been able to come close to replacing him.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets home, but I am sure excited to find out.

And I think that no matter what happens,

 he will always be that friend that is always there.

He's a keeper I think.

+

birthday void.

I'm afraid that I can't let the day pass away without writing a little something about the meaning of today.

Today is April 16th. 

To some that might mean one thing or another, but to me, this means that my best friend is now 21. 

It means he could gamble in Las Vegas if he wanted to

It means he is no longer the same age as me

It means that he is the age he will be when he comes home

It means he has had two birthdays in Puerto Rico

All wonderful things.

However.

It means this is the last time Cody has a birthday that he doesn't receive birthday kisses. 

HALLELUJAH. 

I'm sure he is fine today with his lack of birthday kisses.

In fact, I'm sure it didn't even cross his mind.

Thats fine. 

It sure as heck crossed mine.

and you know what? Next year, I'm pretty sure it will cross his mind too, 

and thats good enough for me.

source.

karlee fry. karlee davidson. karlee mulan.

I have this bestie named Karlee-Fry whom I love with my whole heart. 

She has the heart of gold. 

She always turns the other cheek.

She always takes the high road when things get tough.

She never judges me when I tell her all of my secrets.

 She listens to me when I am sad and confused and helps me be brave when I need to be.

I trust her with everything and I love her forever. =) 

We met when we were just littluns in swimming lessons. 

We were always friends, but we became besties on a swing at girls camp when we were fourteen.

We stayed besties all through junior high and high school, and even now almost two years after we graduated, I find myself wanting to hear her giggle and sneeze like a baby and tell her my secrets. 

I love her all the same and even more.

Some say you lose touch with your friends after high school.

Not a chance.

It is her birthday this week so I am dedicating this post to her.

Sooo Karlee Fry. 

Thank you for always being a good example to me.

Thank you for always listening to me.

Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for teaching me all your beauty secrets.

Thank you for sharing your music with me.

Thank you for crying with me and laughing with me.

Thank you for screwing up with me and learning with me.

Thank you for smiling with me and growing with me.

Thank you for letting me call you my best friend.

I love you forever. =)

Happy two days away from being twenty!

overdue...

Holy crap. 

I miss Cody.

A lot.

Here are some reasons why I miss my bestie.

Because he came with me to Vegas.

Because he is so much fun.

 Because he loves me even when I'm ugly.

 Because of his aviators. =)

Because he takes pictures with me on photobooth.

Lots of pictures. 

 Because he took me to a flames game when I smelled like Subway.

 Because he also loves the happiest place on earth.

 Because of the early morning visits. Because of how much he loved to lift me up. Because of how he made Carson take a video of this before he left.

 Because he likes to act cool when in reality he was trying really hard not to smile.

 Because he came to visit me at BYU after a week because he missed me already.

Because we visited temple square together and the whole time he tried to hold my hand but I wouldn't let him for some silly reason.

 Because my family loves him and because he loves my family.

Because this is hiding in the Waterton Apt. Oopsie. =)

 

 Because he has been gone for so long but he still loves me a whole lot.

 Because he looks real good as a missionary.

fam jam

I can't believe I've been home for practically ten whole days. Where does the time go? Oh wait. It goes extremely fast when you sleep 18/24 hours in a day. Just kidding, not quite that much. Good news. The swelling increased.. then decreased.

 Now that I can open my mouth approximately wide enough for one and a half fingers by day four, I think I am done with photos. Plus I think the swelling is going down. 

Yay me. Anyway. Now thats over..

Just a small thought.

I went to the high school basketball game tonight. It was the final, and they won. Yay. Go Cougars.

However, more than the game, I found myself watching the crowd. The students. The cheerleaders. As Karlee and I wandered into the gathering area I loved seeing the posters on the walls, the event calendar, the everything. I couldn't help but feel a tiny pang of nostalgia hiding deep in my heart.

I kinda miss high school, ya know?

I wouldn't go back, but I do miss the simplicity of life at that time.

I always had a boyfriend to kiss me goodnight.

I always had a bestie by my side.

I always had somewhere to be or a party to go to.

Serious. That was the life.

But then I remember how much has changed for me since high school.

 If I was still in high school, I'd be missing out.
You see, back then..

I didn't get along with my parents as well

(I had a curfew. Bleh.)

I didn't know where my life was headed.

I didn't have as strong of testimony of the gospel.

I didn't know how to study for a test. (haha seriously though)

I didn't know what love felt like.

I suppose graduating and moving on with life has been most definitely beneficial. 

 I've found I just love being home. Not necessarily doing anything but just being here. I've had some lovely times with some wonderful friends. Karlee has been a saint, as I have mentioned before.. running around for me and even sitting in my bed while I sleep. Love her. Also, I even spent an evening with my roomie Bailey . We must actually like each other and not just live together. It was nice to catch up for sure. Going from spending 24 hours a day with someone to zero is quite a jump.

 But my favorite times have been spent with my familyies. =) 

They have been the happiest to see me you know. 

And I am the happiest to see them.

I am happy they are all doing well. 

I love them. All of them.

And I am happy to be able to see them all again for another three ish weeks.

And then again after that, forever.

post wisdom.

Well. I'm officially 4x less wise. It wasn't as terrible as I expected. I have heard so many horror stories about puffing up like a chipmunk or passing out or being all out of it after, ya know? Nope. I mean. The whole thing is kind of creepy more than anything. Listening to them cauterize your flesh... remove some bone... slice your tooth.. hear the Sharpeys Fibres breaking.. and knowing that your deformed third molar is sliding right out of the alveolar bone?

Creepy. 

I know I was out of it because of the laughing gas, but the entire time I just wanted to watch. Lucky work experience kid who got to watch the whole event. I came home and watched some videos on youtube. I suppose it will have to suffice.

I guess hygiene school will do that to ya. Getting all curious. Feeling all smart.

Anyway.

Yeah. It's creepier than anything. I thought the worst part was getting a second set of X-rays that set off my gag reflexes.. severely.. I won't go into details. Now that I am home and the delight of nitrous oxide has worn off, I do feel slightly crappy.  Not swollen though.. okay maybe a bit haha but not too bad.

I was also lucky enough to have my bestie Karlee take care of me. She picked me up and took me to get my drugs and got me ice packs and layed in bed alllll day and watched movies and made sure I took my T3s at the right time. What a saint.

Truth is, I'm kind of bored. It's hard not to be able to talk as much as I want. My brain feels fine and I'm not tired or anything. Mostly I just wanna go play... until I sneeze. Then I want to chop my head off.

Overall, it was a good day.

I like life ya know? I am feeling good. Positive. 

Which is good because for a while there things were a little clouded.

I guess they say a feeling of doubt and insecurity means something isn't right.

Well. Things are right again I think. Because I feel calm for the first time in quite a few days.

Sometimes I forget how simple life is if you let it be.

Excuse my ramblings.

Here's a little visual of post wisdom teeth extraction.

I couldn't smile any more.

Sorry Steph, I know how much you hate long posts.

My best friend turned twenty today. That frightens me a little bit. 

This photo of us from six years ago also frightens me a little bit.

Anyway.

I remember the moment Steph and I became friends. I think she remembers too.

"Wanna come color?"

I sat beside Malarie Bevans and the three of us just immediately hit it off.

Yep. We were in grade four. 

It all just went from there.

In grade five her classroom was the one next to mine, but despite the distance, we remained best friends.

I remember she wrote a story every week about George and Martha. Just a lil tidbit of info for ya.

Sometime that year we moved into Bianca's house too I'm pretty sure.

We played Nancy Drew every weekend.. all weekend? 

and we actually played it. Like make believe. She was always Phillip.

The random old guy.
In grade six we really hit our prime I believe. Skippin recess to play cards and such.
We sure lived it up. Sometimes I used to miss grade six. Then I remembered how terrible we were.
One time Stephanie farted in music and because I was sitting next to her, she pointed at me.
Everyone believed her. Terrible. I forgave her though. It was funny.

In grade seven our desks were still separated by brick walls and our lockers were separated by E through Q. We managed to stay friends.

This year we both lost a best friend.

I think we cried each other to sleep at night.

Maybe I just cried and Steph stared at me and didn't know what to do.
Just kidding. We were both devastated. But I think we were closer because of it.

I'm pretty sure Steph use to always have dreams about me being really mean to her. I am hoping these were always just dreams and I wasn't ever that mean to her.
Ask her about them. She may even still have them.
Grade eight I was a lame-o best friend to Steph, but she always stayed a perfect-o best friend to me.

Stephanie was the most loyal friend I ever met. Even ask my mom. She will tell ya. 

She wins that award easy-peasy.

In grade nine I think we had some classes together. Which was nice, although it made no difference because we were besties anyway. We did football stats together this year. It was a lovely time.

She was always there when I'd cry. Never offering advice, because thats not what she did.

But she listened.

Sometimes you don't want advice, ya know?

Just a listener. She's the best. And I was a drama-queen. It's embarrassing.
She loved me anyway.

In grade ten, I remember in CALM class we took these personality quizzes and such.

We always ended up at opposite ends of the spectrum. We decided thats what made us such good friends, ya know?

She toned down my annoyingness. She was good for me.

I like to think I brought out some good qualities in her too, but it's hard to say. She was good for me though, thats for sure.

In grade eleven we had our separate lives because I decided to be a cheerleader and she did not.... but still kept close. I think this was the year I got all ten seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S for Christmas.

Did you know we watched every.single.episode together? Yep. All 238 episodes. Plus the bonus features.

In grade twelve we decided to go and graduate. We were closer this year than the previous. I remember asking myself why I spent so many weekends without her during grade eleven. 

We danced together. We cried together. We were Fireflies together. We ripped T-shirts together.
I think dancing together brought us very close.
She even helped me when I sucked at remembering the dances. She was such a fast learner.
She had a side of the bed at my house you know. Toothbrush? I forget. Maybe at one point.
I drove her around. I liked driving her around... and she hated driving around.

After we graduated after a few turn of events, we both ended up living at home for another year.

We decided to go to California and also dragged along our other two best friends with us. 

Stephanie loves Disneyland like I love Disneyland.

Stephanie also loves musicals more than I love musicals, I'm pretty sure.

But we saw Lion King together, where we may or may not have shed a tear or two.
And now? Steph has bought me a ticket for Beauty and the Beast in December.
She's the best, isn't she.

Okay. I could go on forever, because Stephanie has been my best friend since forever.

Now, Stephanie turned twenty today, and she is in North Carolina and I am in Texas.

And it's odd.
I would very much like her to confuse my nose with a teddy bear or wake up with a heavy metal ball in her chest or perhaps drink a Barqs by my side tonight.

I miss her terribly, and I cannot wait to see her face on Dec 21.

source.

post-thanksgiving thankfulness.

I have so much to be grateful for. It was thanksgiving last week and I didn't even take the chance to write a post on all that I have to be grateful for.

My family. I am so blessed. My family is perfect for me, and I'm pretty sure I am perfect for them. We are quirky. Maybe we do things different then a lot of families, but we love each other, and that is what is most important. I miss them terribly and I cannot wait to be back with them for Christmas.

The gospel. I don't know where I would be without the gospel in my life. All of the blessings I have can be directed back to my Father in Heaven. I am blessed with the knowledge and comfort that the gospel brings me and I am who I am because of the goodness the gospel brings into my life.

My roommates. Bailey Brooke is honestly the best roommate you could ever ask for. She makes me breakfast. She doesn't get mad when I leave things on the floor. She lets me shower first. She sprays pretty perfume that makes our room smell good. She stays up late and listens to me vent when I am frustrated and she jumps with excitement when I am happy. Becky is also a gem. She is the biggest sweetheart you will ever meet and her testimony inspires me. She is so strong and her dedication to school and the gospel makes me strive to be a better person. I am so so lucky to have such amazing girls to spend all my time with and I love them both dearly.

My best friends. I have a handful of best friends. Though we are thousands of miles away from each other, I know they are always there for me and I hope they know I am there for them too. I cannot wait until we are reunited in our red onesies and share more memories together. I miss you all.

Cody Clay. Cody's dedication to his mission makes me strive to be a better person each and every day. Every time I hear from him I am reminded of the sacrifices he is making to serve our Heavenly Father. I love seeing how much he has changed and I love being able to change as well. I love his positive attitude and his love for being a missionary.

The Canadians. There are more people that I spent my time with down here in Texas besides my roomies. Matt, Sarah, Becca, and Jordi. I am so grateful for this little family I have down here to spend my time with. I love doing everything together. I love watching movies together and eating together and having FHE together and causing problems together and laughing together and studying together. Everyone combined is one of my main sources of strength.

source.

Ohh there are so many more things I could list. I am grateful for friendship. Forgiveness. Heartache. Love. Prayers. Life. Happiness. I am so happy to be me.

one little letter

Dear Cody,

I miss you today. 

A lot.

I don't know why today of all days, but I do.

Thanks for being my best friend no matter what.

Thank you for always drying my tears when I was sad.

Thank you for showing me what love is.

I love you. Don't forget okay?

Love Jane.

source.

1/4.

Okay. I know it's post number two.. and I know that is often frowned upon but this is necessary.

Ummmm I officially have been without my bestfriend for six months. 

6 months. 

26 weeks.

182 days.

4368 hours.

262 087 minutes.

15725258 seconds.

Yes, those are all accurate. Don't judge me.

First off.. can I just say that is a freaking long time? and Second.. Can I also just say how proud I am of Elder Foggin?

Cody has been the best missionary I have ever known. He doesn't complain. He writes weekly. He loves the Lord. He loves his companions. He is so happy to be serving. He wouldn't choose to be anywhere else in the world but in Puerto Rico right now, 

and for the next 18 months. 

18 months.

78 weeks.

548 days.

13175 hours.

790552 minutes.

47433142 seconds.

Today, I wrote him an email. It contained many updates and thoughts, but ended in simply thank-you's. I do owe him a lot. Honestly.. looking back, I realize how huge of a blessing he is and has been in my life. If it were not for him, I cannot imagine where I would be right here today. He was always oh.so.patient when I oh.so.did.not deserve it...

"PS. I want to thank you so much for being so wonderful. Thank you for being so patient with me. Thank you for loving me regardless of what happened over the past year and a half.. and I am so sorry. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for always knowing and having faith that things would turn out. Thank you for having integrity and always being a good missionary. Thank you for trusting me. I want you to know how much it means to me. Thank you for loving the Lord enough to serve him for two years. Thank you for loving me enough to leave me. Thank you for always being someone I can count on. Thank you for being my best friend."


Cody has been gone for six months. I miss him every day, but I am so happy he is where he is. He is learning so much, and I am too. Every day I wake up I realize all over again that I love him.. (Incase there is still anyone out there in the blogworld that did not yet know that I am in love... I am.) and then I realize even more so.. how lucky I am that he loves me back.

Do ya hear me? I'm talking to you.

So I have this friend, 

and even though this friend is 5550 km away, 

he can sense when I'm upset. And you know what? I love that.

How lucky am I?

I can wake up not even realizing that something is not right with me..

but he can tell.

And he can always make it go away.. without even knowing he did.

source.

sidenote: Cody Clay is my best friend, ever. .