Adios Amigos. Actually.

I want to go homeeeee. I haven't been home since Christmas. I know I shouldn't complain because lots of people go much longer than seven months without being home, but oh well. I'm complaining anyway.

I miss Waterton. I miss my cute little uniform that I got to wear all last summer. Oh and by cute I mean ugly. But wonderful nonetheless. I miss the mountains. I miss the smell of crisp air in the morning. I miss the deer. I miss the freezing cold lake. I miss Big Scoop. I miss Scrubway. I miss Pat and Ralph, and Anders. I miss the campground Kiosks. I miss being greeted at the gate by Bart, or Ethan. I miss the cute little movie theater. I miss the golf cart, and the club car. I miss Crandell and seeing 9283749238 bears on the drive there. I miss spraying down the bathrooms and squeegie-ing the camp kitchens. How the heck to you spell squeegie? I miss angry campers. Okay mostly I miss telling everyone about the crazy campers. I miss everything. I had the best job last summer. Ever. Confession: I have a dream about once a week that I am all geared up in my green pants and polo, cruising the campground on the golf cart like a champ. Seriously miss it.

I miss Cardston, all lit up at night. I miss driving and seeing the temple glowing. I miss my giant bed and how it feels like a cloud. I miss the unpredictable weather. I miss being able to be outside and not have to worry about all my makeup dripping off my face from humidity. I miss rootbeer slurpees from Reddi Mart. I miss BBQing with my dad in the backyard. I miss tanning with my mom on the deck. I miss my besties. I miss having sleepovers and watching movies all day. I miss not having to study for tests. I miss not having to wake up early. I miss the colorful Canadian currency. I miss saying garbage instead of trash, and bayg and flayg instead of bAAG and flAAAg without being laughed at.

I miss Canada. I want to go home. Texas is lovely and I am loving my time here, but it simply is just not home. Okay now that I have that all out, I should go pack because I am going home in two days! =)

x

I really can't think of a title because this is really short.

Someone please grant me patience to survive these next seven months.

+

It's okay to like things that other people don't.

Something that makes me crazy is when people aren't themselves. I have posted about this so many times before. I go through phases I guess, and I should probably stop letting this bother me because it's never going to go away. It just makes me so sad to see people who don't know who they are .. and then they end up just latching onto the personality or life or ideas of someone else.
I can't even imagine how much that would suck. Seriously.

Everyone is different. It's better that way.

Sure, trends happen. Fads happen. Styles come in and out and some things are just popular.

It happens. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But for goodness sakes, that still leaves room to be a little unique.

I just wish everyone would:

say whats on their mind

dress how they want to dress

do what they want to do

love the things they want to love

It's okay to like things that other people don't.

It's okay to not like things that other people do.

Really. Thats what keeps things interesting.

Too many people are concerned with conformity.

Doing whatever it takes to fit in.

To not be noticed.

Or worse,

Seeing what makes others stand out and then using that same thing to make yourself stand out?

That doesn't count.

I know maybe it's hard, but it's not impossible.

Find what makes you different from everyone else. That's what makes you you.

Find that thing and embrace it.

Wear the ugly shoes.

Listen to that strange song.

Realize you don't actually like the new Katy Perry song, and don't be afraid to admit it.

Eat that odd food.

Wear that unknown perfume.

Listen to that old song.

And stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.

Okay thanks. =)

pick a side

The other day I decided to take a trip down memory lane and read some of my old blog posts. Well, I ended up reading like 100 from over a year ago. I realized how my blog posts used to be a million times more interesting, and I realized that's because I used to be better at sharing the thoughts deeper inside my heart. I guess it's safe to say that I've changed a lot the last two years. Just a little realization. I will try to be better at blogging whats really on my mind. Wish me luck.

So, lately I've been thinking a lot about the terms selflessness and selfishness. These paradoxical terms go hand in hand when determining the nature of a person. I realize, it is impossible to be both. It's the same thing as knowing that "No man can serve two masters "(Matt 6:24). These contradictory terms are the foundation for interaction with other people. Lately I have been surrounded by people who, to me, appear either very selfish, or very selfless. I can't help but want to be surrounded by those people who are only selfless. People who get caught up over the tiniest details and spend their life making sure everything is completely fair in all directions, I find to be very selfish.

Newsflash. Life just isn't fair, and it is impossible to make sure that everything is equal 100% of the time. Selfishness doesn't always mean wanting the most or wanting the best, it sometimes just means not being willing to give a little bit extra, or not realizing how being so self-centered can hurt others, or spending so much time worrying about how you can be successful that you forget to notice the things you are doing to reach that success are hurting others. Selflessness, on the other hand, only ever results in blessings. The person who is willing to give the last few dollars to pay for something, or the person who is willing to make a sacrifice to make sure someone else is able to succeed means a lot. The person who is willing to give advice over and over and listen to others over and over without ever being asked if they need anything. Small acts of daily sacrifice and kindness can make a world of difference. Being surrounded by both of these characteristics has made me question myself: which master am I serving?

When put into that context, it appears quite clear which master I want to be serving. Selflessness comes from God, and selfishness comes from the devil. There really isn't any other way to say it. When it's put that way, I choose God. Every.single.time.

I do find myself getting caught up on little things that don't matter often, and I want to stop. I want to be the person who is willing to make that sacrifice for other people.  I'm far from perfect, but learning a little bit about these two words and experiencing the effects of them has really been eye opening. Being selfless doesn't mean you have to donate your life savings to a charity. It doesn't mean to let others walk all over you. It simply means being open minded enough to see that the tiniest details really don't matter. Being willing to help someone out if they need it, and being aware enough to realize it before they have to ask.  It means buying the bracelet from the little kiddos in Mexico even though you already have five. They are only a dollar anyway. It means taking care of yourself and your things so no one else has to do it for you. It means giving spare change to the beggars on the street, because you know what? No one really knows for sure that they are going to be spending that money on drugs an alcohol. It means thinking about yourself less so you can realize how your actions are impacting other people. It means buying the cookies from the girl scout trying to raise money. It means not spending so much time thinking about how you can make your own life better, and maybe thinking about how you can make the life of someone else just a little bit easier. Now, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but theres no harm in making a good effort. I'm starting today.

+

Okay, I'm done now.

so i ramble lots.

I feel like I'm usually pretty okay with putting my thoughts into words. 

But every once in a while, I get stuck.

I have so many things to say and so many thoughts

but I just have no idea where to start with putting them in order. 

I feel like this has happened more lately than ever.

I'm not really a fan of it. 

Anyway.

 I found this little gem. 

Thoughts someone else put together that seemed to fit just perfectly.

After reading this and realizing how terribly true it was, I read it again.

Then I decided it's sad how much time can be spent on one little thing

and it can seem like a difference hasn't been made.

Kinda seems like a waste. I got all depressed thinking about it.

"it will never seem like it was enough"

How sad. I think its frustrating to invest so much time into someone, to try so hard, only to have them throw it back in your face, whether it be a friend, a family member, a coworker, or someone else. 

So I looked a little harder and thought a bit more. 

Ya see. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

So I got to thinking.

Maybe the whole purpose wasn't to have someone realize how much you cared or how much you tried,

Maybe it was a lesson you were supposed to learn about yourself.

Your determination. Your character. Your weaknesses and your strengths.

Yeah, I'm gonna go with that.

Somehow, looking at it that way, makes it all seem worth it again.

blog overload.

Prepare yourself for an overload of thoughts and pictures that have been hiding deep in the corner of my computer. It's been a while. Almost four months since I have sat on this very spot in my bed contemplating life and all it has to offer. But here I am. I am back.

Something about being home makes me want to blog about so many things. I feel like the blog was on the back burner while I was in Texas. Life is different there. I feel different there. I am a different person there. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.. including the blog. I didn't know what to write. I just kind of made up a buncha stuff to fill space and appease people. Now that I am home.. I find myself itching to write about everything and everyone. I am definitely the most myself at home.

Being back here is making me face all my problems. I kind of like being able to hide from things and not deal with them. Life is easier that way.

I tried dealing with some problems. The problems I left hiding in my closet when I moved away. It's overwhelming. I forgot how many things I just shoved in my closet last minute. I really should try to clean it out, but I can't. Not yet. I'm not quite ready to grow up 100%.

Speaking of life being easy. Life is easy when you do what people expect you to. You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to justify anything. You don't have to come up with excuses. You can kind of just, slide through life unnoticed. Which is horribly wonderful.

People keep telling me to be selfish for once in my life and go for what I want. Thing is, I already am selfish and I already have. Thing is, I need to be selfless instead. Whenever I am selfish, selflessness gets shoved back in my face. It's fine really, just sometimes I wish selfishness could win without catching up with me.

Today I ran into Mr. Heninger.. my English 30 teacher. I confessed about my 70% paper. He made me feel better. He inspired hope in me again. The situation made me realize that the paper I wrote for hygiene school was a joke and the instructor isn't even a certified teacher yet. She is a lovely person, of course, but she teaches Prevention. Prevention is a class about floss and toothpaste. It reminded me that people who know what they are talking about when it comes to writing seem to think I have a talent. I think I will still try to write a book someday. What a soul-saver.

I ran into so many people that I know. I love being home. I love knowing people and I love having people know me. I love walking down the street and recognizing people. It makes me feel real.

I haven't kissed a boy for ten months. I know this is just a small thing to be thinking about but ten months is a long time okay. And I like kissing. There. I said it. I'm human.

Do you sometimes wonder about the things people don't say to you? The things people are thinking or the things they want to say but can't? I do. What if you are thinking the exact same things. What if that long lost friend is just as sad as you are that your friendship ended at age twelve. What if you really think her shirt looks terrible on her but just can't tell her. What if what if what if. What if two people are just, living the same thoughts, but won't share them? It's a tragedy, really.

Lady Antebellum's album "We Own the Night" is incredible. Every single song. And not just because I saw them live. They are an amazing band. My favorite songs of theirs right now are definitely Somewhere Love Remains, and Dancin' Away With My Heart. They are both just truly adorable songs. The kind of song that I overly anticipate the chorus. The kind of song that hits my soul deeply because its such a real song. Wow I'm such an emotional person it's almost embarrassing. Oh well.

I miss Sarah Jo already. She is a keeper.

I always have these expectations of how things are going to be. Graduating. Birthdays. College. Getting off a flight.  All of these things just continue to be so anticlimactic. Sure, grad was super fun. I had a pretty dress and my hair worked out well. My date drove a nice truck and he thought looked better than he did at his own grad. And he did. But then grad just came and went and then it was over. Maybe some peoples birthdays are great, but mine are lame. Maybe it's because its right after Christmas or something, but my birthday always ends up being lame. College. Sure. College is a blast. But lets be real, it's not how it looks in the movies. Its full of homework and homesickness and eating ichiban and saving pennies. It's hard. And it's exhausting. At least for me it is. Walking off a flight. Man it'd be so fun to walk off a flight to a loved one with a bouquet of flowers. It would be wonderful to jump into their arms and hug them and have tears join together in the joy of a happy reunion. Nope. That doesn't happen. I'm not being negative or anything but I can't help it. Life is dull sometimes. I hope I am not the only one. I'm tired of it. I want a grand gesture. I want something that changes my life. I want something fabulously magical to happen.

Okay that was slightly negative and almost came across suicidal? I love life, really. Sometimes I relish in the greyness of life. It sure makes you appreciate the color when it finally happens.

Last Sunday in primary, I was playing some hymns quietly before it began and Jennifer, 5, came and sat on the piano bench next to me like she does every week. She began to sing along softly, melting my heart. She looked at my hands and said to me, "I always wanted to play the piano.." She then proceeded to watch my hands and move hers up and down the piano as I did. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a teacher. Crap. I guess I will be having ten kids instead.

rant rant rant

I've kinda been called a pushover my whole life. I didn't ever believe it until I realized I was.. ya know? But the thing is, I'm not so much a pushover in the sense that I don't stand up for myself. When it comes down to it, I will stick up for myself. I have no problem voicing my opinion when it matters. And to be honest, I sometimes think there is a possibility that I'm a confident person these days. (My teenage years must be coming to an end or something?) Anyway. I am pretty sure the reason people think I'm a pushover is because I hate conflict. If someone asks me to do something for them (within reason), I'd rather just do it than create unnecessary tension by not doing it.. So I guess I kinda let people boss me around sometimes. (Which is interesting considering how bossy I can be..?) Maybe it's not necessarily a good thing.. but it's just who I am. I would rather others have it their way than for them to be mad because it is my way. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess I just hate when people don't like me. That's probably not necessarily always a good thing either.  And there is a little part of me that wishes sometimes I would care a little bit more and have a stronger opinion about the trivial things, but then there is this bigger overpowering part of me that insists I do whatever it takes to make sure everyone else is happy to prevent any sort of tension from thickening in the room. Whatever. I have just been doing some thinking is all.  No summary. No solution.

source.

Oh PS. I get to go home in a week. AH.

don't be a hater

Okay. Vent session.

I have this pet peeve. 

Haters. You know? Haters always voice their negative opinions so strongly.

Just because you don't like something doesn't mean you have to preach against it.

It's like the Biebs. You can't deny the kid has talent. 

You don't have to love the Biebs. You don't ever have to listen to him.. but that doesn't mean you have to go around telling everyone that he sucks and spend your life trying to convince others that he has no talent by creating hating fb pages and what not. Serious. I worked with a few people this summer that spent their days trying to convince me how terrible he was.

It drove me crazy. Not saying everyone has to like the Biebs. People have their opinions, that's cool.

Just don't dedicate your life to trying to convince everyone that you are right.

It happens with a lot of things, and it has really started to drive me crazy.

Country music another example.

Have you ever noticed that if someone doesn't like country music.. they constantly criticize it and always speak out about how much they hate it and how terrible it is?

You always know a country music hater.

I don't like lots of styles of music. Does that matter?

Nope.

The list just goes on and on.

Breaking Dawn is my newest example.

A lot of people just aren't fans of the Twilight Saga.

That's cool. No one said you have to be into that sorta thing.

Yeah, I get that its kinda annoying how some people just take everything one step too far.

Hype kinda drives me nuts too...

but its not affecting me.

Let people get all excited. It's not hurting anyone.

A lot of people hated the movie. That's fine. 

But I find it so frustrating when I log into facebook or sign on to twitter and find a million status updates or tweets about how terrible the movie was.

Find something better to do with your time then convince the world how terrible it was.

The world has enough negativity. 

Keep your mouth shut and let those who enjoyed it, enjoy it in peace.

I, happened to LOVE Breaking Dawn.

The movies just keep getting better and better.

And the soundtrack! Oh my. It was fabulous.

And Edward. He is just getting better looking.

I was absolutely thrilled the entire time.

Since when is hating the cool thing to do?

I feel like that is what the world is coming to.

I swear, half the haters out there just hate to be different from everyone else.

So many people think its cool to be different, which it is, that they hate because it puts the fans down.

No doubt when I love something and someone hates it it kinda makes me feel like crap.

But whatever. I love the Biebs, and country music, and Breaking Dawn. End of story

Now, everyone doesn't have to agree with me. I don't mind. And yes, I understand it goes both ways. Haters hate seeing all over facebook and twitter how incredible it was when they really thought it was terrible. But hey, at least if the haters keep their mouths shut it makes the world a lot more positive right?

Pretty sure we got enough negativity to last and the world can use a little more optimism.

That is all.

of course.

Life is funny sometimes

Or maybe not-so-funny.

I expected it.

I knew it.

I waited for it.

I called it
and it happened.

But you know what?

There must have still been one little pathetic flicker of hope inside me.

source.

Because somehow?

It still hurt.

Music Monday a day early.

Okay. It isn't Monday, but I have been waiting three days to share this song and I can't wait another minute because it is THAT good.

I am in love with every single aspect of this song.

Lost and Found - Katie Herzig

I know you left me standing there 
Out of the calm of the coldest air 
I don't believe the words you said 
But I can't find the words I want 
Oh, I can't find the words I want 

If you were gone in another life 
I don't believe I would just survive 
I could feel you next to me 
An escape from the world I'm in 
Oh, I'm afraid of the world I'm in  
One day I will see Heaven's reach 
I'll find the one who left me sleeping 
Every war was another seed 
That could feed every soul in need 
Oh, I'm worn by the war in me 

Somebody found me here 
Somebody held my breath 
Somebody saved me from the world you left 
If you're gonna cry my tears 
If you're gonna hold my breath 
If you're gonna let me see the sun you set 
Oh, I am lost and found 
Oh, I am lost and found 

the over thinking.

Sometimes I don't do enough thinking.

I used to get a lecture from my parents all the time when I was little.

"Think before you act.."

 I suppose I was a bit impulsive.

I'm doing better though.. now that I'm nearly twenty.

They've done well.

However, I'm afraid that now I think too much.

And today, my thinking has brought me to this point.

 I want to know.

What does it all mean?

source.

I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. 

But I still don't understand why things had to happen the way they did.

all done?

I have been thinking of some things that make me sad lately because there are a lot, but I didn't want to write a post that was entirely negative so today I am writing ten things that make me sad and then ten things to make me smile to even things out. 

The Sad Stuff.

1. When someone assumes the worst.

2. When someone does something they know is stupid because they think no one cares when really, I do.

3. When a teacher tells you there is a test so you bust your back studying for it only to find out it was just a "see how well you prepare for tests" test.

4. When that teacher laughs about how frustrated everyone is for studying so hard for the nonexistent test.

5. Feeling guilty for something you shouldn't have to feel guilty about.

6. Remembering something from the past that broke your heart.

7. Headaches.

8. My pre-clinic class Wednesday mornings that has officially made Wednesdays suck.

9. Having to pee so bad in the morning that my stomach hurts. (seriously the worst start to the day)

10. Not knowing what the heck to do..

The Happy Stuff

1. There is a pool outside my apartment.. and it's not cold.

2. Realizing you made a difference in someone's life when you didn't think you did.

3. Finding a perfect song.

4. Waking up before the alarm and not being tired.

5. Having chats with lil brothers. 

6. The 9th.

7. Feeling trusted.

8. Keeping a secret that isn't yours to tell.

9. Room mate chats until the wee hours of the morning.

10. Going to bed with a smile.

Let's be done with the sad stuff please?

Thanks. It means a lot. =)

source.

seek rats.

I've been thinking about stuff lately. 

I have decided I hate knowing things I can't tell.

I found this little photo and it seemed to sum things up pretty great.

Also? 

Love this quote.

Unlikely places, I tell ya.

source.

My only weakness is knowing your secrets.

just because.

source.

sidenote: true story.

now I know.

Where is Mark when you need him.

Facebook is playing tricks on me.

Not cool.

Exhibit A:

OH hi.. there I am.. no problems..

Exhibit B

BAM.

I'm gone.

 Just a white shadow with a grey background.

It does this back and forth and back and forth all the time.

First my wall posts.

Now my photos.

I tried filing a "bug report" in the help center.

This is what I got back.

Suuureeee you read them. I sent them another one. Same thing.

I tried something new.

I tried tagging him but clearly he doesn't like being tagged in things. 

Or maybe he doesn't like being tagged by people who only half-exist according to facebook.

If anyone knows how to reach Mark please let me know.

Or if you know how to exist on facebook 24/7 instead of just 12/7 please let me know.

sidenote: Creepy internet pedophile: 

You now know where I live and where I went to school. 

I'm moving in twenty five days so you best come find me quick.

opinions.

Ever feel like the opinions of everyone else are so strong that you can't quite figure out your own?

Like everyone else has been so quick to tell you what they think

or what they think you should think

or assume what you are going to do 

or ask what you think

that you can't even put a finger on what it is you think of the situation

because you just haven't had the time to think about it yet?

I feel as if I have been bombarded by the thoughts of others recently

and my own thoughts have been swallowed up in a river of very strong opinions

and the current keeps carrying them away.

source.

I just don't know what to think.

GO AWAY.

Sometimes things just need to go away. 

How do you make something go away when it just keeps coming back?

 Past is past. Gone. Done. It needs to stay there. It is better that way. It just likes to creep up unexpectedly though. 

I'm always caught off guard.

BAM.

Maybe if I say go away enough times, it will....?

Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. 

Not so simple I suppose.

That is all.

source.

come ooonnnnn.

Do people ever learn when and where to keep their mouths shut?

Stupid question. I know that won't ever change with some people. 

But some things can.. 

I'm pretty sure this is one of the most frustrating things ever:

 Thinking you can trust someone with something, but then realizing that they took that something and twisted it and prettied it up and stretched it and made it into something else, and then passed it along.. with the intention of coming out ahead.

What the heck.

Could.ya.not?

Can people please just be honest? 

I think a lot of people are guilty of stretching the truth here and there, tossing around some white lies.

I know I am.

I'm working on it.

Let's all do each other a favor and try to be a little more honest with each other?

Anyone?

Perfect.

'

source.

Egg is the weirdest word. say it. egg. egg. egg.

one day, this will all just be a memory..

let your memories grow stronger and stronger, til they're before your eyes..

Regina Spektor - The Call

is it so bad to be in love with a memory of you, smiling back at me..

The Kiss - Tristan Prettyman

source.

So.. bad news..

 you know how sometimes if you say a word too many times 

or think about it too much it suddenly just stops being a word and it just gets all weird?

Memory 

just did that for me.

I had something all inspirational to post at the end of this, and now it has just been replaced with 

memory.. MEMory.. memORy. memorYY.. 

its not a word, is it?

Egg. Egg. Egg.. bleehhhhh.

Plunk. (That was for Spring. =) )

Apparently I'm not very tech-savvy.

I don't consider myself tech-savvy. I never have. I'm not that great on computers and to be honest it took me beyond hours to even figure out how to work this blog. My computer isn't organized very well and sometimes I get confused on it, but I'm smart enough to figure things out, for the most part. I grew up on computers and my mom thinks I'm great. Sure, I can type fast. I can download stuff. I can navigate around.. my mom thinks I'm brilliant. I disagree, but whatever. I know enough that I can generally figure things out; however, in the past week, I have never encountered more technical problems online. Take a look.

I have to use CourseCompass for my online courses. I figured it out, paid for it, it worked for a week, and then this started happening.

Authentication failed? What? Try again later? I have tried every day for two and a half weeks. No problem, I'll click "Forgot login name/password" link and reset my information.

Right?

=)

=(

Wrong.

Awesome. I don't exist. 

No problem, I'll just "Contact the Pearson Education Support team." Give them a piece of my mind.

Right?

Wrong again.

Okkaay.. Guess I won't be contacting anyone about that.

 As you can see, I was rather frustrated as I get points deducted for not using this website. I don't wanna talk about it. 

So today I woke up to an email from UPS. Awesome. 

A parcel? For me? Wait.. I didn't order anything but apparently my parcel has been shipped. 

(Yes, I posted my tracking number publically. Doesn't matter when it doesn't work. Someone. A hacker. Please try and hack into UPS and find out what my parcel is.)

That's fine.. I'll just view more details about my parcel in the attachment as it says to do.

I click the attachment and..

Awesome.. my computer doesn't like the file.

So. Being the problem solver I am.. I'll just go to the UPS website and try to use the password they gave me.

I didn't think that looked like a real tracking number, but it was the only one I got.

Stuck again. I'll just email the UPS support and tell them of my problem.

Nope. 

Seriously. This is all happening. Am I really that horrible with technology??!! 

This is just happening on the internet. I couldn't take photos of the answering machines I've been transferred to and the number of times I've been put on hold only to have it get disconnected after 35 minutes.

Apparently I'm not cut out for modern society.