Sometimes I just have to say whats on my mind. Sorry if you don't like it.

I miss my best friend.

It's been lovely to have time to grow and learn about myself and become independent.

It's been lovely to be able to simply be me, and to work on becoming the person I want to become.

It's been lovely to be able to be in school without the distraction of a boyfriend that I want to be with all the time.. (I'm quite terrible at prioritizing when it comes to that sort of thing..)

It's been lovely to have someone to miss so much

someone to write letters to and someone who writes me back just as much, sometimes more

It's been lovely to live in this middle place where the future is so unknown

where nothing is really for sure

but I'm ready to stop this now.

I'm ready for these last few months to be finished.

I'm ready for a big hug. 

I'm ready to sing at the top of my lungs all of the songs I used to sing

I'm ready to really smile again and mean it

I'm ready for movie nights and airsoft wars.

I'm ready to have someone say goodnight to me and someone to listen to my ranting

I'm ready for someone to laugh with me when I'm being ridiculous

for someone to make me laugh when I'm sad

I'm ready for Sunday naps and late night conversations

I'm ready for my heart to stop hurting

and I'm ready to never have to say goodbye, ever again.

one hundred and six more days. 

source.

Because I miss Cody. Accept it.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Memory lane.

Well its 2 am and my heart hurts because I am missing Cody tonight. I have been doing that a lot lately. I think maybe it's because he is actually coming home soon(ish) and I am starting to get excited/nervous. 

Did you know he will be home in 204 days?

Okay so I guess I don't know for sure when he will be home yet.. but 204 more or less.

To most, I'm sure, that seems ridiculous.. 

but when you compare it to 731, it's really not very many days.

 In fact, that number seems quite small. =)

Maybe that is what has been picking at my mind. 

A return date would be nice. I like knowing things.

Anyway.  What I'm here for..

Story time.

So a little over two years ago, I was really sad. Looking back, I realize it was silly to be so sad but, my eighteen year old heart was quite broken it seemed.

Cody and I weren't dating at the time, but he was still very important to me and always remained a good friend through the ups and downs, even when I didn't deserve it.

We were in Waterton, and he knew I was sad so he was just keeping me company because he's a good friend like that. We decided to go for a walk. I was kind of cold so I took the big down-filled comforter off of my bed and wrapped myself up inside. We walked to the docks overlooking the lake and then decided to just lay down and talk.

He didn't have to ask why I was sad because he already knew, and even though it hurt him that I was sad, he just let me be sad and he let me talk about it. He offered advice, but he also just listened. I remember him scratching my back and then I remember him holding my hand. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in a "I'm your friend and I'm not leaving you because I know you need someone" sort of way. Sometimes thats all you need.

I shared my blanket with him and we just stayed there side by side.

I think I cried for a while. It's definitely possible.

Cody listened to every single reason why I was sad, even though it broke his heart to hear. We just stayed there on the docks, looking at the stars, and talking for hours and hours. 

That was the night I knew that Cody was for real. 

He wasn't going anywhere.

He showed me what unconditional love was.

Even though I didn't deserve a friend like him

even though I had hurt him

even though he loved me and I wasn't quiiite ready to love him back

even though I was silly and lost

even though I was immature and confused and blind

he was there for me.

Every single day.

He always said someday I would see 

Well, he was right..

and sure didn't take long. 

=)

And that is why, nearly eighteen months of being apart, I haven't been able to come close to replacing him.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets home, but I am sure excited to find out.

And I think that no matter what happens,

 he will always be that friend that is always there.

He's a keeper I think.

+

overdue.

Welp. I knew this was coming for a while now.

My blog is a place where I blog my little heart out.

Literally.

And today this is whats in my heart.

I miss Cody.

Say whaaa?

I dont know what it is this week, but its been a long time since I've missed him like this.

Perhaps due to the fact that I got a little lost in life. Perhaps because he is so focused, which is just so awesome. Perhaps because we communicate less and less. Perhaps because thats just what happens when two people go this long without seeing each other.

Whatever it is, it's all catching up to me.

My heart hurts today. 

I found myself snuggled in bed reading a letter I received from him just a few weeks after he had been away.

Confession. I teared up. haha

I don't tell him I miss him anymore, and he doesn't tell me either. We both figured it was better that way, and I think it is. I can tell him after he gets home. It makes it much easier.

Except this week. He told me he missed me this week. Thats probably whats making me this way.

Hearing that just makes everything seem so real.

Bittersweet.

Jus a few little stories that I have been reminded of this week.

Story number one. April fooools. Two years ago, Cody and I had been dating for about two and a half months by April Fools. We were "facebook official", you know, such a big deal. Hahah.

I vividly remember sitting in English class and receiving a text from a friend asking when Cody and I broke up. I was so confused. I got onto facebook.. naturally.. only to discover that he dumped me! On facebook. Little turd. 

Good thing it was just a joke. He thought he was so funny. 

I smiled about that all April Fools this year. =)

Story number two.

Once upon a time I was living and working in Waterton and Cody was at home in Magrath for the weekend. It was Sunday night and I was super bored and just curled up in front of the TV to watch a movie. We were texting and I was sad that we couldn't hang out that night because I had worked late and you know, it just didn't work out. All night I had been joking about him making a teleporting device so he could magically be in Waterton so I could see him. About ten minutes into my movie, Cody calls me and says, "Guess what! I finished my teleporting device. Look out your window!" noowww Cody thinks hes a little trickster so I didn't get too excited. Well, I tried not to. I laughed at him and told him not to trick me because it was mean to get me excited for nothing. All he said was.. "No really. Look outside." I ran out the door to the balcony of the apartment to find Cody standing with the phone up to his ear with a big smile on his face. Best surprise ever. 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is my best friend. I miss him today, and I am so excited for him to come home, even though its not for 10 more months. 

Okay. Now that I've shared a little piece of my soul, I will stop again because I don't like doing this very often. 

+

again and again and again.

Sometimes on days like today

my heart just has to hurt a little bit.

It will hurt for a day... maybe two, maybe more.

But one day it won't.

source

Fall down seven times, stand up eight, right?

the early bird gets the nicest butt.

I solemnly swear to blog more often. I'm surprised I haven't lost any followers. Special shout out to Carson for his text this morning reminding me of this blog.

Jane! I went onto your blog for the first time expecting to see some new blog posts. But nope! #slacker

I don't know what my deal is. I feel weird blogging. I think I've changed a lot lately.

Maybe I got tired of people knowing everything.

Whatever it is, I kind of miss blogging. So my blog may be different as of now and my posts might be a lot different than they were in the past..
but I think I am back. Hopefully.

I started this crazy thing where I work out at 5:00 am three mornings a week.

Take a moment to digest that people.

I don't do stuff like this.
Back in the day when I took dance.. we had an early morning stretch class. Once a week. At .. 6:30? Does anyone remember?
Anyway. Every Wednesday I had an inward battle. Debated not going. Debated running away. Debated quitting dance. Debated crashing my car.. dying.. breaking my legs.. ANYTHING. It was the hardest thing ever for some reason.
I do believe it has prepared me for this time in my life though.
I did discover in the summer that I can be, in fact, a morning person.. but 5:00am is pushing it. 

Not to mention that early to get up and sweat your face off and feel like dying is really pushing it.
Anyway.

I attend a fitness class at La Sierra with Nora Estrada.

Yeah. Thats her. 

She's a babe... and she makes me wanna be a babe.
It all started when I did this crazy thing called a 10km run a week after being here. Heres pictures to prove it.

Befoooree

Afterrrr =)

Anyway. I met all these La Sierra ladies because Sarah went and worked out with them last semester and they were there and she was there and well. You know how it goes. I saw this lady Nora. Found out how old she was and died when I realized her butt was nicer than mine.
The day I turned twenty, my butt started sliding down lower and lower to my thighs.
It scared me a little bit.
I'm just being honest. So I vowed it was time to make a change.
I decided to meet Nora.
Its been three weeks and I'm still alive.

Anyway, I love her. I hate her though. But mostly I love her.

Thats news. 

overdue...

Holy crap. 

I miss Cody.

A lot.

Here are some reasons why I miss my bestie.

Because he came with me to Vegas.

Because he is so much fun.

 Because he loves me even when I'm ugly.

 Because of his aviators. =)

Because he takes pictures with me on photobooth.

Lots of pictures. 

 Because he took me to a flames game when I smelled like Subway.

 Because he also loves the happiest place on earth.

 Because of the early morning visits. Because of how much he loved to lift me up. Because of how he made Carson take a video of this before he left.

 Because he likes to act cool when in reality he was trying really hard not to smile.

 Because he came to visit me at BYU after a week because he missed me already.

Because we visited temple square together and the whole time he tried to hold my hand but I wouldn't let him for some silly reason.

 Because my family loves him and because he loves my family.

Because this is hiding in the Waterton Apt. Oopsie. =)

 

 Because he has been gone for so long but he still loves me a whole lot.

 Because he looks real good as a missionary.

fam jam

I can't believe I've been home for practically ten whole days. Where does the time go? Oh wait. It goes extremely fast when you sleep 18/24 hours in a day. Just kidding, not quite that much. Good news. The swelling increased.. then decreased.

 Now that I can open my mouth approximately wide enough for one and a half fingers by day four, I think I am done with photos. Plus I think the swelling is going down. 

Yay me. Anyway. Now thats over..

Just a small thought.

I went to the high school basketball game tonight. It was the final, and they won. Yay. Go Cougars.

However, more than the game, I found myself watching the crowd. The students. The cheerleaders. As Karlee and I wandered into the gathering area I loved seeing the posters on the walls, the event calendar, the everything. I couldn't help but feel a tiny pang of nostalgia hiding deep in my heart.

I kinda miss high school, ya know?

I wouldn't go back, but I do miss the simplicity of life at that time.

I always had a boyfriend to kiss me goodnight.

I always had a bestie by my side.

I always had somewhere to be or a party to go to.

Serious. That was the life.

But then I remember how much has changed for me since high school.

 If I was still in high school, I'd be missing out.
You see, back then..

I didn't get along with my parents as well

(I had a curfew. Bleh.)

I didn't know where my life was headed.

I didn't have as strong of testimony of the gospel.

I didn't know how to study for a test. (haha seriously though)

I didn't know what love felt like.

I suppose graduating and moving on with life has been most definitely beneficial. 

 I've found I just love being home. Not necessarily doing anything but just being here. I've had some lovely times with some wonderful friends. Karlee has been a saint, as I have mentioned before.. running around for me and even sitting in my bed while I sleep. Love her. Also, I even spent an evening with my roomie Bailey . We must actually like each other and not just live together. It was nice to catch up for sure. Going from spending 24 hours a day with someone to zero is quite a jump.

 But my favorite times have been spent with my familyies. =) 

They have been the happiest to see me you know. 

And I am the happiest to see them.

I am happy they are all doing well. 

I love them. All of them.

And I am happy to be able to see them all again for another three ish weeks.

And then again after that, forever.

blog overload.

Prepare yourself for an overload of thoughts and pictures that have been hiding deep in the corner of my computer. It's been a while. Almost four months since I have sat on this very spot in my bed contemplating life and all it has to offer. But here I am. I am back.

Something about being home makes me want to blog about so many things. I feel like the blog was on the back burner while I was in Texas. Life is different there. I feel different there. I am a different person there. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.. including the blog. I didn't know what to write. I just kind of made up a buncha stuff to fill space and appease people. Now that I am home.. I find myself itching to write about everything and everyone. I am definitely the most myself at home.

Being back here is making me face all my problems. I kind of like being able to hide from things and not deal with them. Life is easier that way.

I tried dealing with some problems. The problems I left hiding in my closet when I moved away. It's overwhelming. I forgot how many things I just shoved in my closet last minute. I really should try to clean it out, but I can't. Not yet. I'm not quite ready to grow up 100%.

Speaking of life being easy. Life is easy when you do what people expect you to. You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to justify anything. You don't have to come up with excuses. You can kind of just, slide through life unnoticed. Which is horribly wonderful.

People keep telling me to be selfish for once in my life and go for what I want. Thing is, I already am selfish and I already have. Thing is, I need to be selfless instead. Whenever I am selfish, selflessness gets shoved back in my face. It's fine really, just sometimes I wish selfishness could win without catching up with me.

Today I ran into Mr. Heninger.. my English 30 teacher. I confessed about my 70% paper. He made me feel better. He inspired hope in me again. The situation made me realize that the paper I wrote for hygiene school was a joke and the instructor isn't even a certified teacher yet. She is a lovely person, of course, but she teaches Prevention. Prevention is a class about floss and toothpaste. It reminded me that people who know what they are talking about when it comes to writing seem to think I have a talent. I think I will still try to write a book someday. What a soul-saver.

I ran into so many people that I know. I love being home. I love knowing people and I love having people know me. I love walking down the street and recognizing people. It makes me feel real.

I haven't kissed a boy for ten months. I know this is just a small thing to be thinking about but ten months is a long time okay. And I like kissing. There. I said it. I'm human.

Do you sometimes wonder about the things people don't say to you? The things people are thinking or the things they want to say but can't? I do. What if you are thinking the exact same things. What if that long lost friend is just as sad as you are that your friendship ended at age twelve. What if you really think her shirt looks terrible on her but just can't tell her. What if what if what if. What if two people are just, living the same thoughts, but won't share them? It's a tragedy, really.

Lady Antebellum's album "We Own the Night" is incredible. Every single song. And not just because I saw them live. They are an amazing band. My favorite songs of theirs right now are definitely Somewhere Love Remains, and Dancin' Away With My Heart. They are both just truly adorable songs. The kind of song that I overly anticipate the chorus. The kind of song that hits my soul deeply because its such a real song. Wow I'm such an emotional person it's almost embarrassing. Oh well.

I miss Sarah Jo already. She is a keeper.

I always have these expectations of how things are going to be. Graduating. Birthdays. College. Getting off a flight.  All of these things just continue to be so anticlimactic. Sure, grad was super fun. I had a pretty dress and my hair worked out well. My date drove a nice truck and he thought looked better than he did at his own grad. And he did. But then grad just came and went and then it was over. Maybe some peoples birthdays are great, but mine are lame. Maybe it's because its right after Christmas or something, but my birthday always ends up being lame. College. Sure. College is a blast. But lets be real, it's not how it looks in the movies. Its full of homework and homesickness and eating ichiban and saving pennies. It's hard. And it's exhausting. At least for me it is. Walking off a flight. Man it'd be so fun to walk off a flight to a loved one with a bouquet of flowers. It would be wonderful to jump into their arms and hug them and have tears join together in the joy of a happy reunion. Nope. That doesn't happen. I'm not being negative or anything but I can't help it. Life is dull sometimes. I hope I am not the only one. I'm tired of it. I want a grand gesture. I want something that changes my life. I want something fabulously magical to happen.

Okay that was slightly negative and almost came across suicidal? I love life, really. Sometimes I relish in the greyness of life. It sure makes you appreciate the color when it finally happens.

Last Sunday in primary, I was playing some hymns quietly before it began and Jennifer, 5, came and sat on the piano bench next to me like she does every week. She began to sing along softly, melting my heart. She looked at my hands and said to me, "I always wanted to play the piano.." She then proceeded to watch my hands and move hers up and down the piano as I did. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a teacher. Crap. I guess I will be having ten kids instead.

Sorry Steph, I know how much you hate long posts.

My best friend turned twenty today. That frightens me a little bit. 

This photo of us from six years ago also frightens me a little bit.

Anyway.

I remember the moment Steph and I became friends. I think she remembers too.

"Wanna come color?"

I sat beside Malarie Bevans and the three of us just immediately hit it off.

Yep. We were in grade four. 

It all just went from there.

In grade five her classroom was the one next to mine, but despite the distance, we remained best friends.

I remember she wrote a story every week about George and Martha. Just a lil tidbit of info for ya.

Sometime that year we moved into Bianca's house too I'm pretty sure.

We played Nancy Drew every weekend.. all weekend? 

and we actually played it. Like make believe. She was always Phillip.

The random old guy.
In grade six we really hit our prime I believe. Skippin recess to play cards and such.
We sure lived it up. Sometimes I used to miss grade six. Then I remembered how terrible we were.
One time Stephanie farted in music and because I was sitting next to her, she pointed at me.
Everyone believed her. Terrible. I forgave her though. It was funny.

In grade seven our desks were still separated by brick walls and our lockers were separated by E through Q. We managed to stay friends.

This year we both lost a best friend.

I think we cried each other to sleep at night.

Maybe I just cried and Steph stared at me and didn't know what to do.
Just kidding. We were both devastated. But I think we were closer because of it.

I'm pretty sure Steph use to always have dreams about me being really mean to her. I am hoping these were always just dreams and I wasn't ever that mean to her.
Ask her about them. She may even still have them.
Grade eight I was a lame-o best friend to Steph, but she always stayed a perfect-o best friend to me.

Stephanie was the most loyal friend I ever met. Even ask my mom. She will tell ya. 

She wins that award easy-peasy.

In grade nine I think we had some classes together. Which was nice, although it made no difference because we were besties anyway. We did football stats together this year. It was a lovely time.

She was always there when I'd cry. Never offering advice, because thats not what she did.

But she listened.

Sometimes you don't want advice, ya know?

Just a listener. She's the best. And I was a drama-queen. It's embarrassing.
She loved me anyway.

In grade ten, I remember in CALM class we took these personality quizzes and such.

We always ended up at opposite ends of the spectrum. We decided thats what made us such good friends, ya know?

She toned down my annoyingness. She was good for me.

I like to think I brought out some good qualities in her too, but it's hard to say. She was good for me though, thats for sure.

In grade eleven we had our separate lives because I decided to be a cheerleader and she did not.... but still kept close. I think this was the year I got all ten seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S for Christmas.

Did you know we watched every.single.episode together? Yep. All 238 episodes. Plus the bonus features.

In grade twelve we decided to go and graduate. We were closer this year than the previous. I remember asking myself why I spent so many weekends without her during grade eleven. 

We danced together. We cried together. We were Fireflies together. We ripped T-shirts together.
I think dancing together brought us very close.
She even helped me when I sucked at remembering the dances. She was such a fast learner.
She had a side of the bed at my house you know. Toothbrush? I forget. Maybe at one point.
I drove her around. I liked driving her around... and she hated driving around.

After we graduated after a few turn of events, we both ended up living at home for another year.

We decided to go to California and also dragged along our other two best friends with us. 

Stephanie loves Disneyland like I love Disneyland.

Stephanie also loves musicals more than I love musicals, I'm pretty sure.

But we saw Lion King together, where we may or may not have shed a tear or two.
And now? Steph has bought me a ticket for Beauty and the Beast in December.
She's the best, isn't she.

Okay. I could go on forever, because Stephanie has been my best friend since forever.

Now, Stephanie turned twenty today, and she is in North Carolina and I am in Texas.

And it's odd.
I would very much like her to confuse my nose with a teddy bear or wake up with a heavy metal ball in her chest or perhaps drink a Barqs by my side tonight.

I miss her terribly, and I cannot wait to see her face on Dec 21.

source.

1/4.

Okay. I know it's post number two.. and I know that is often frowned upon but this is necessary.

Ummmm I officially have been without my bestfriend for six months. 

6 months. 

26 weeks.

182 days.

4368 hours.

262 087 minutes.

15725258 seconds.

Yes, those are all accurate. Don't judge me.

First off.. can I just say that is a freaking long time? and Second.. Can I also just say how proud I am of Elder Foggin?

Cody has been the best missionary I have ever known. He doesn't complain. He writes weekly. He loves the Lord. He loves his companions. He is so happy to be serving. He wouldn't choose to be anywhere else in the world but in Puerto Rico right now, 

and for the next 18 months. 

18 months.

78 weeks.

548 days.

13175 hours.

790552 minutes.

47433142 seconds.

Today, I wrote him an email. It contained many updates and thoughts, but ended in simply thank-you's. I do owe him a lot. Honestly.. looking back, I realize how huge of a blessing he is and has been in my life. If it were not for him, I cannot imagine where I would be right here today. He was always oh.so.patient when I oh.so.did.not deserve it...

"PS. I want to thank you so much for being so wonderful. Thank you for being so patient with me. Thank you for loving me regardless of what happened over the past year and a half.. and I am so sorry. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for always knowing and having faith that things would turn out. Thank you for having integrity and always being a good missionary. Thank you for trusting me. I want you to know how much it means to me. Thank you for loving the Lord enough to serve him for two years. Thank you for loving me enough to leave me. Thank you for always being someone I can count on. Thank you for being my best friend."


Cody has been gone for six months. I miss him every day, but I am so happy he is where he is. He is learning so much, and I am too. Every day I wake up I realize all over again that I love him.. (Incase there is still anyone out there in the blogworld that did not yet know that I am in love... I am.) and then I realize even more so.. how lucky I am that he loves me back.

Top Dog of Grade 2.

Who remembers "Top Dog" in Mrs. Romeril's grade 2 class? I found a special little book with a message from every single one of my class mates telling me what they liked about me. There were a few that just crack me up.  I'm not sure there is anything cuter than seven year olds. I had to share.
*These are copied word for word.

"You are my very very best friend. I wish I could get you anything you want in the whole wide world. You are so pretty. I like her hair." - Tessa

"You are nice to me a lot and you help lot of people. You are my friend and you. are so nice. You are the best one in the olen school. I wish I wous you." - Dani

"You are pretty and funny you are loveing hearted." - Karson

"You are my very best friend you are very kind. everybody likes you. Even Mrs. Romeril liks you." - Kate

"You are the most smartest kid in the class because you're friends with everyone." - Miles

"You print very good. You help kids then they work when they dodn't even ask. Because you're my friend." - Matt

"You are one of the best workers in the class. And she is fast at working." - Jon

"You work rally hard and you help any buddy that needs help." - Ryan

They were all so adorable but I had to share a few of my favorites. =)

I'm so happy I grew up in a little town where I still know all of these people and remained friends with them all through high school. 

source.

K x2.

I'm really glad Kate exists because:

1. She gives me part of her lunch when I don't have one.

2. She thinks headless skunks on the road are as hilarious as I do.

3. She eats weird food.

4. I'm not sure anyone else would listen to me rattle on in circles about the same thing for as long as I did today.

5. She doesn't judge me for being stupid sometimes and I know anything I say will actually stay between the two of us.

I'm really glad Karlee exists because:

1. She makes really good food and let's me sit and watch her make it, and then lets me eat it.

2. She is the biggest sweetheart ever.

3. She is going to cook things and then let me pay her to pretend I cooked them.

4. She is so motivated and such a hard worker and she doesn't procrastinate. I'm pretty sure I did well in high school because of her.

5. She is steady. She knows what she wants and what she believes and doesn't change.

I'm not intentionally leaving anyone out, because I do have many best friends and I love them all, but I spent this weekend with mostly these two girls and I decided I needed to write how much I appreciated both of them the past couple days. Thank you both for being so understanding. =)

{sidenote} There are more than five reasons I am glad these girls exist.

source.

rebeccashank.

source.

Who does that blondie look like friends?

....

Becky? Anyone? Kinda?

Well. I stumbled across this and it got me thinkin.

I love Becky.

Here is a real picture of us.

And yes we are wearing vests and cross ties and this is like five years old.

Don't judge.

We look good.

Beckshank. And yes, I came up with that.

Becky and I have been friends since about grade three if I can remember correctly.

Sometimes we did silly things like build forts in my bedroom

and watch mouse hunt.

That part where the man falls out of the coffin and lands in the sewer?

Horrible.. now that I think of it.

but once upon a time, nothing was funnier.

Becky was always shy when you first met her..

but then.. she was not.

We made a giant ball of tape, incase you were wondering.

I remember in grade three we used to sit by each other and I would always wear her blue sweater with the little flowers on it?

And she would share her pretzyls with me because I was always hungry.

I also remember going out to her house and being scared of her dog. She would throw snow in the air to distract the dog (I cannot remember the name for the life of me.. Sorrryy!) so I could run past.

Such a good friend to my eight year old self.

I also remember throwing a ball up and down the stairs at her house for house and hours on end.

And I also remember in grade seven we would sit by each other in science.

She made a basketball court structure at Katy's house once while Katy and I made a bridge.

I do not remember anything about that day except for we had a lot of fun and had a lot of sugar.

Becky always had good snacks.

We went to Choir provincials together and stayed in a room with Karen and Katy.

That was such a wonderful time..

until we all got sick.

Well, we got older. 

During that, we went out separate ways.

Graduating does that.

I decided to follow Becky though.

She decided to let me live with her in Texas.

YAY.

I am so freaking excited.

Why?

Because it is Becky and she makes me laugh.

In just thirty four days. I will be moving right into this girls apartment.

I.Can't.Wait. =)

GO AWAY.

Sometimes things just need to go away. 

How do you make something go away when it just keeps coming back?

 Past is past. Gone. Done. It needs to stay there. It is better that way. It just likes to creep up unexpectedly though. 

I'm always caught off guard.

BAM.

Maybe if I say go away enough times, it will....?

Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. 

Not so simple I suppose.

That is all.

source.

yellow.

Okay world. Story. 

Yellow used to be my least favorite color.

I never owned anything yellow.

I never bought anything yellow.

I never ate anything yellow.

Okay that last one is a lie. But you get my point.

 Up until about a year and five months ago.

Then I loved yellow. I bought a yellow sweater. I even wrote a blog post about it.

I fell in love with yellow roses.

I got a yellow rose for Valentine's day.

I bought a yellow cardigan.

I bought a yellow shirt.

I bought a yellow bow for my hair.

Do you know why? 

I didn't really notice when it all happened.

But I have it all figured out now.

It's because yellow is the epitome of happiness if you ask me.

And seventeen months ago, I found happiness. 

Even if it took me until more recently to figure that out.

Here is my happiness approximately seventeen months ago.

Yellow bow. Yellow shirt. Big smile. 

(The yellow headband on Karlee's head is mine too.)

Bliss. Right?

Well. Recently, a dear dear closest loving wonderful best friend of mine who knows my love of the color yellow reminded me of a song.

I used to like this song a lot..

Yellow, by Coldplay. 

Naturally, I am obsessed once again.

Even more this time.

oh, and the color yellow?

 It's still my favorite.

source.

Do ya know?

 You know I love you so.

Egg is the weirdest word. say it. egg. egg. egg.

one day, this will all just be a memory..

let your memories grow stronger and stronger, til they're before your eyes..

Regina Spektor - The Call

is it so bad to be in love with a memory of you, smiling back at me..

The Kiss - Tristan Prettyman

source.

So.. bad news..

 you know how sometimes if you say a word too many times 

or think about it too much it suddenly just stops being a word and it just gets all weird?

Memory 

just did that for me.

I had something all inspirational to post at the end of this, and now it has just been replaced with 

memory.. MEMory.. memORy. memorYY.. 

its not a word, is it?

Egg. Egg. Egg.. bleehhhhh.

Plunk. (That was for Spring. =) )

summer secrets?

Waterton has welcomed me back with open arms. =)

I love it. I am so happy to be back.

However, it makes me miss Cody a tiny bit.

The swings at the Bayshore just aren't the same without a snuggle buddy to stargaze with and someone to listen to me chat for hours on end.

The docks aren't as cozy without my big purple comforter and my best friend by my side.

Getting off work isn't as exciting anymore because he isn't on his way to see me.

Everyone I lived with knew we hung out every single day after work.

Everyone around knew we were the best of friends and that we spent our summer together.

But no one knew we were in love.

I liked it that way. It was just for us to know about. 

The best secret in the world. 

It was just ours. And we wanted it that way.

source.

Well. Now the secret's out. 

Sorry Cody. =)

Perhaps I will spend the summer writing him letters from the docks and the swings? 

I think he'd approve..

For everyone to see.

If you hate when people write blog posts about missing people or sappy crap about feelings, you have been warned and you can close this window now because this post will contain all of the above.

Today. Something about today. Something about the pile of letters waiting in my mailbox yesterday, alongside the picture to pin on my wall, combined with the emails, all added to the family photos loaded on facebook. Today? I miss Cody more than I ever have. I am just one huge ball of emotions. It's pathetic, really.. but I'm not ashamed.

I miss his freckles. 

I miss how grumpy he is after a nap. 

I miss how he is obsessed with his hair gel. 

I miss his warmth. 

I miss his laugh. 

I miss him tickling me so incessantly I wanted to kill him. 

I miss how we would fight too much. 

I miss telling him how to spell chief and receive and believe and all the other ei/ie words every single time he had to write them.

 I miss how one second we would be mad and then two seconds later it would turn into a pillow fight.

 I miss how he folds his towels a certain way. 

I miss how every time he said goodbye he would give me a tug with an extra tight squeeze at the end. 

I miss how he sometimes thought he sounded like a dinosaur. 

I miss laying on the floor with him behind the computer desk while Carson downloaded music. 

I miss him whistling out of tune all the time.

 I miss brushing our teeth together. 

I miss feeding chickens and scrubbing eggs. 

I miss jumping on his bed. 

I miss how he got photogenic and photographic mixed up all the time. 

I miss his hand tapping on mine after I would stop giving him a hand massage letting me know he wasn't ready for me to stop.  

I miss piling in bed with Carson to watch a movie. 

I miss how much he showed off while he was driving even though it made me mad at the time.

 I miss his freakishly nice handwriting and his ability to keep ridiculously organized. 

I miss how hard it is for him to get comfortable. 

I miss his messy hair after a nap.

 I miss texting 24/7 and more.

 I miss him peeking out the windows of his garage to wave when I left his house. 

I miss how he would always try to scare me when I came over to see him. 

I miss how he would just randomly start dancing with me when he gave me a hug.

 I miss having someone to call any time of day or someone to do nothing with.

 I miss his aviators and the black jacket he wore every day. 

I miss his obsession with shoes and how he bought a new pair almost every time he went to the mall.

 I miss how he always had to have a pepsi.

 I miss him stealing my five cent candy.

 I miss his obsession with the courthouse and how he was so excited when I had to pay my ticket because he could tell me everything he knew.

I miss his inability to make decisions. 

I miss his family. 

I miss his house and his car.

 I miss Kip.. and how he said "Kippy" in a freaky weird voice. 

I miss the smell of his laundry detergent.

 I miss watching him change the oil in a car and how he loved that he could impress me that way.

I miss the posters that he had in his room.

 I miss how he tapped on my windows.

 I miss our scale of 1-12, not 10. 

I miss curling up to him on the couch and how he would automatically just put his arm around me. 

I miss his smile when he did something I told him not to do. 

Most of all.. I miss how much he loves me. 

More than anyone else.

There you have it. I wear my heart on my sleeve.. for everyone to see.

ask for source.

07

My Best Friend.

Hmm. Well, I have had a lot of "best friends" through the years. I can't say that in my life I have had just one best friend. I guess I can go through them all... there are a lot. 

Just a side note first here. Just because my "best" friends change every year here.. isn't saying I lost touch with any of the friends previously mentioned or suddenly wasn't friends with them. I just became "closer" with others. You know how life is.. I am just associating the people I remember most with each grade.

My first best friend was Dallin. He lived next door since I was born. He was also my only friend, and I'm pretty sure I was his only friend. His mom used to babysit me. Sometimes I don't think we even liked each other, but we still played every day. The day I got sent to get babysat on the east hill was a little bit heartbreaking. Needless to say, here we are, 19 years later, living next door, and hanging out almost every day. It's certainly been on and off through the years, but he and I certainly go way back.

Breanne Strang was my best friend in kindergarden. We would sit together on the bus and go play at each other's houses. That's about all I can remember.

Nicole Peters, Nicole Parker, and Lauren Smith. Grade one. I loved the Nicole's, and who didn't love Lauren? We were all in the same class, so naturally we were all friends.

Grade two, I wasn't in the same class as anybody I previously new, and I remember being best friends with Kaycee Romeril (Bevans) and Shelise Day Chief. I have a story I wrote in grade two about a squirrel and a monkey named Kaycee and Shelise. Hahaha.

Grade two.. okay yeah I got held back. I was born in Dec 1991.. so I was like beyond the youngest in the grade.. you know, that September deadline.. it happened the year I started school. Anyway. There were kids in the grade below me that were older than me, and I was small anyway, so there you go. Grade two. Tessa Merrill. Enough said.

Grade three. Tessa Merrill. We used to sit together and switch all of our workbooks and do each other's work all morning. I guess its safe to admit to that one now. This year I also became very good friends with Becky Quinton, Karen Low, and Jillian Boyson. Looking back it's funny to see how you become besties with the girls in your class.

Grade four. Malarie Bevans, Stephanie Redford, Jillian Boyson. I don't remember how me and Mal became so tight, but I remember we sat together and we asked Steph to come color with us. Such a tender moment.

Grade five. Karlee Cahoon, Malarie Bevans, Bianca Alcock, Stephanie Redford. I am pretty sure that Steph and I lived at Bianca's house every single weekend of this year, and the next.

Bianca Alcock, Stephanie Redford, Malarie Bevans: grade 6. We just thought we were all so cool you know. But I did love these girls wtih all my heart.

Grade seven.. I don't even remember. This was a big transformation year for me I think. I lost some friends, made some new ones, but I think for the most part, I was the tightest with Steph and Mal. I think this was the first year I really was heartbroken, and it was over the loss of a friendship. I guess thats the beginning of Junior High though.. hahaha

Grade eight. Steph and Mal. Ohhh the good days. Tessa as well. I remember doing a lot of projects with her in Mrs. Baxter's science class.. and Mr. Ralph's social class.

Grade nine. Stephanie Redford, Malarie Bevans, Katelyn Remington,  Michelle Zemp, Karlee Cahoon, Kelson Roe, Braden Moojalsky. I didn't play sports anymore, so didn't get to spend as much time with Malarie as I used to. I did stats for the football team, and Karlee and I became very close, as we both fell in love with boys on the team. The rest just all seemed to happen.

Grade ten. Braden Moojalsky, Kelson Roe, Michelle Karlee Steph Kate. You know. 

Grade eleven. Steph. Karlee. Kate. Michelle. This was a fun year for us. I don't even remember why, but I liked grade eleven. It was different.

Grade twelve. Steph. Karlee. Kate. Michelle. Spring. Jordan. Cody. This was a crazy year. I was tight with the girls as usual, and Spring was certainly my go-to girl about every single problem I encountered, but Jordan was that guy who told me everything, and I told him everything. It was freaky how well he knew me and I knew him considering the limited amount of time we spend together. He was that friend that I could not see for two months, but then we'd hangout and it was like nothing had changed. I was lucky to have him take me to grad after a really complicated, messed up year. Cody came along about halfway through, and although we weren't necessarily best friends to begin with, it certainly ended up that way by the summer. I actually wrote a whole post about him being my best friend right here.  I am going to miss Cody a lot when he leaves in a couple weeks. We've been through a lot and even though I am SO excited for him to be a missionary, it will be a hard goodbye.

Right now, my best friends are probably Cody, Dallin, and Steph. Of course, along with many others, but I spend the most time with them. I love all my friends, and I wouldn't change anything that's happened.

It's sad to think life just sends the best of friends in their separate ways.. and we can't do anything about it. Somedays I miss some of my lost friendships terribly. Somedays the hurt is still there, but overall, I can just smile at the different happinesses each of my many different friends have brought into my life, and know that they are now bringing happinesses into others' lives.

source undisclosed.