five girls.

"A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand."

- Kahlil Gibran

In the little town of Cardston, five girls exist.. Each girl is incredibly different, and somehow these girls ended up together. They called themselves the tifuls. BeauTifuls that is.

There is Jane. That's me. I sometimes think I am not so much a good influence on my best friends. Sometimes I am not nice enough, and sometimes I am not there for them when they need it. Sometimes I disappear off the face of the planet when I am preoccupied with a boy, or a project, or even myself. I am sorry. I love you all and truly I don't know where I would be without the four of you there helping me and embracing life with me the past few years. The thought of all of us going our separate ways this fall makes me want to cry. I will miss you all so much.

There is Kate. I just love you. I am so happy we live together again. Even though we don't spend every second together here, I love that we don't. I love that you are here, and I know that, and I am here and I hope you know that. You are the best room mate. I am so happy we are both going to BYU and are going to stay friends. I love that you sleep right on top of me every single night. I love that I can tell you anything, and I  know it will truly stay between the two of us. I love that we can smile through all the chaos of life in Waterton and love it here no matter what. I love that we both didn't go to math for all of January. Thank you for being so trusting, and so brave, and so wise. 

There is Michelle. You are such a doll. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. I love how you are willing to help out with ANYTHING.. including cleaning bedrooms, any sort of project, and studying for tests. You are always there when I need to cry, and seriously understand anything and everything I go through. You always say the right things, and are the best little spoon. Speaking of spoons, I know a certain jar I am ready to update. I am so happy you could graduate with me and I'm sorry if I ever doubted you. July 22. I hope you are ready. That is the official day you know. hahaha

Karlee. Karlee-fry. Do you remember studying for Bio together? We learned so much.. hahah I loved watching Gossip Girls with you during exam week and the start of the second semester. Thank you for always being such a good example and keeping all the rest of us in line.. until you started being the crazy adventurous one and now are always looking for something fun to do. :) Thank you for joining me on all my Lethbridge excursions last winter and for always wanting to hang out. Thank you for being such a great Laurels President. You are fabulous you know. Your testimony is incredible, and you are seriously the biggest sweetheart ever. Thank you for being the first of us to have a missionary out, and being so strong and showing us what to do. I am so happy we will be living a couple buildings away from each other so maybe you can occasionally make sure I am alive and still passing school. :)

Steph. Oh dear. You may or may not be my best friend.. :) I love you. I love that we are always so different, and always have been, and always will be. I love that whenever I would cry around you you would say, "I'm sorry Jane. I don't know what to say...I am the worst at giving advice.." but I knew that was your way of telling me you were there for me.. well maybe. If not, I thought you were. I love how honest you are. Really, sometimes it is painfully honest, but I do appreciate it. I love how you are always so secretive. Always texting.. usually smiling about it.. but never really tell anyone whats going on. You are so quiet about your life, and remind me that the whole world doesn't need to know everything about my life. Thanks for complementing me so much and for driving 23 hours on a greyhound bus so we could go meet Daniel and Sam. By the way, you are coming with me in my suitcase and we are going to visit them. Jus sayin.

Let's be best friends forever, okay?

june.twenty.eighth

Today is good. So good.

My eyes are closed now. :)

I quit.

I always thought giving up was taking the easy way out. I was always taught not to quit. I was always pushed to persevere. I always believed this was true in every circumstance, but today I changed my mind.

Sometimes giving up is all you have left.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.  ~Author Unknown

There comes a point in life where you can choose to be set free of the things bringing you down. Don't be afraid to leave behind things that hurt you. Even if you feel obligation to remain, you are free, just as I am. Goooodbye troubles. I'll be seeing you after summer holidays are over.

Thats all. :)

{and today I remembered}

So I sat on my bed today and took a serious look at my life. It is beautiful.. I remembered so many things. I smiled..

{and today I remembered} how much I love summer

{and today I remembered} that beautiful day at the movie mill when I saw that strange movie

{and today I remembered} when us Fireflies got Gold and 1st place

{and today I remembered} that I get to live with Tessa May in the fall

{and today I remembered} that Spring is coming home soon

{and today I remembered} that I used to have the nickname Baby Jane

{and today I remembered} that Sher used to carry me around by my overalls

{and today I remembered} that I owe Jenn maybe four packs of skittles, five packages of starbursts and six chocolate bars.. possibly more.

{and today I remembered} that Becky and I used to make giant forts in my bedroom and wear bras and we thought we were so rebellious because we both seriously didn't need them. Secret's out Becky!

{and today I remembered} dancing to I Swear

{and today I remembered} that Julie made me kiss Jon's basketball in grade six and I almost cried

{and today I remembered} just how much I love rainbow sherbet

{and today I remembered} saying hello to everyone at Henderson

{and today I remembered} that my big brother is better at the piano than anyone I know

{and today I remembered} how I have the worst attention span and a three hour reading comprehension test is killer

{and today I remembered} that time in Chem 20 when I jumped on Ryan's desk because there was a mouse

{and today I remembered} that I no longer have to keep my hair long for grad, and it's time to say bye

{and today I remembered} hearing coyotes at four am at Echo Lake last summer

{and today I remembered} calling out the colors of the fireworks and laughing until my stomach hurt

{and today I remembered} how gorgeous you looked in your light green shirt

{and today I remembered} just how hilarious Sydnee is

{and today I remembered} that scene in My Sister's Keeper where they look like "a bunch of freaking avatars!"

{and today I remembered} holding hands at Grad

{and today I remembered} playing the question game and two truths and a lie every day

{and today I remembered} when my shoe broke at Josephine Night and how I got chased by a man with a chain saw

{and today I remembered} climbing the tower by the bypass

{and today I remembered} driving to Lethbridge on Monday mornings to watch the olympics

{and today I remembered} hearing that cow.. over and over..

{and today I remembered} that Jill Boyson dropped my glasses into the stream at Fairmont and felt so bad

{and today I remembered} that I used to live at Bianca's house ever weekend in grade 5

{and today I remembered} playing Nancy Drew, and that Steph was Phillip

{and today I remembered} how exciting carpet time in Mrs. Hall's class was

{and today I remembered} that Jon and Tre were faster at their times tables than Steph and I, and we were so mad because their writing was too messy to read

{and today I remembered} that at my first dance in Junior High, I danced with Ty Stewart

{and today I remembered} that I asked Travis Hartley to dance at that same dance, and he said no

{and today I remembered} that we used to stay in for recess in grade 6 to play cards

{and today I remembered} how nervous I would get before track and field

{and today I remembered} that one time in Grade 6 when I discovered I was a sprinter

{and today I remembered} when Kaylee sat at the top of the ladder and fell over rolling her eyes

{and today I remembered} that my relay team finally beat Raymond in grade 9, but I couldn't run because I sprained my ankle and I cried after 

{and today I remembered} making To Do lists at work, and accomplishing everything on them in the right order

{and today I remembered} how Steph and I watched every episode of Friends together

{and today I remembered} playing King of the Log by the lake

{and today I remembered} that time I dyed all of my white clothes pink, including my "Bahamas" shirt

{and today I remembered} that I still wore my "Bahamas" shirt even though it was dyed pink.

{and today I remembered} how Mrs. Bevans let me and Chelan sit by each other every single seating arrangement all year

{and today I remembered} singing Happy Happy Happy, look at Miss Jodi in a ballet exercise

{and today I remembered} how my character skirt fell off in the middle of our ballet exam 

{and today I remembered} how much I love my friends

{and today I remembered} to smile.

circles.

Stop it. I am getting dizzy.

questions and storms.

Today, my thoughts are all over the map. So do your best to follow if you wish, but don't hurt your head over it. It's not worth it.


So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face? Well, I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place. Thank you Missy Higgins for giving me an inspirational song to listen to today. Yesterday someone asked me a profound question: "Is lying okay if it makes the outcome better?"
I really don't know the answer. I didn't then, and I still don't after thinking about it all night, and I'm sure I will never know. What I do know is I don't like this outcome, so if you were trying to make things better you failed. Miserably.

Thunder. Yesterday I fell asleep to the sun shining bright in a sky with no clouds. An hour later, I was awakened by deep crackling thunder. Before I even opened my eyes, a smile came to my face. I finally went to the window and watched as the sky covered Waterton in the most beautiful of rainstorms. Surprising how things such as thunder can always bring a smile to my face. Of course, this is the first rain storm of the summer. Of course, I thought of the song Thunder by Boys like Girls. Of course, I was taken back to the summer rainstorms I have faced over the past few years. Of course, this rainstorm was inevitable. Of course, I am going to smile despite of the storms.. because I always do. The storm always ends you know, and the sun comes back.. which leads me to another beautiful quote:
 "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

You know what? I love dancing in the rain.

best friends.

I have been blessed with so many best friends. Some are far away, and some sleep two feet away from me. Some are leaving so soon, and some have just entered my life. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are married, and some aren't old enough to date. Some I may never see again, and some I may stay in contact with forever. Some are funny and some... not so much. The point is, all of these people have helped me in so many different ways lately. So many people have helped me, and they don't even realize it.. Maybe you will be able to tell which one is for you, and maybe you won't. Thank you for being simply amazing without even knowing it.

Thank you for offering your hugs when you know I need them. You really are good at giving them 

you know.. 

Thank you for your winks and sleeping without your pants on.. and for being the funniest.

Thank you for being a text away even though you are in another country.. and for letting 

me cry and crying with me.

Thank you for giving me a beautiful grad present. I don't think you realize it, but your acceptance has changed my life.

Thank you for your confidence in my writing talents. You have been my inspiration.

Thank you for being such a great example to the rest of your family and going on a mission.. and for being so witty.

Thank you for being so darling. For showing me all the things most dear to you. I always wanted a little sister.

Thank you for  helping me remember to not worry about things I have no control over, and for reminding me to have a great summer!

Thank you for being a theatre person for the both of us.

Thank you for helping me out by agreeing to meet a group of crazy but amazing guys. (you'll have fun. PROMISE)

Thank you for being there even if I yell at you and sometimes I forget and think you have abandoned me.. I hope you remember that I'm not going anywhere.

Thank you for being such great older sisters and getting married in the temple.

Thank you for always taking pictures. Maybe we tease you about it, but we love you anyway.

Thank you for waking me up every morning for work. I would never make it if it wasn't for you.

Thank you for buying my iPod touch from me and paying me with cash so I could afford to get back to work. :)

Thank you for eating healthy foods and hiking to remind me that I do need to try to stay in shape.

Thank you for chatting with me all through choir practice even though it makes my mom yell at you.

source.

Thank you for uplifting my spirits through hard times and helping me remember that life is simply beautiful.

cleanse.

What a crazy few weeks it has been, or maybe months. Heck, maybe its been years; I don't even remember. All I know is that I am ready for goodbye. I have officially moved to Waterton, and I don't plan on returning to my house for quite some time. My apartment has been warmed and furnished with ugly lamps and breaking bulletin boards. I have tacked up some old photos next to my bed and established a new home for my favorite quilt. My cupboard in the kitchen is stocked full of juice boxes and Ichiban and Kraft Dinner—the staples. Goodbye frustrations and difficulties and heartache and life. I am getting rid of you for a while and going to spend a period of time healing and rejuvenating and finding some new happinesses now. I'll return because I always do. I just don't know when. :)

Spring.

Today I feel like it is appropriate to post about Spring. No, not the season, but about my dear friend Spring. I came across a blog post the other day that she had written about me, and it brought tears to my eyes. I am truly honored to be considered one of the best by dear Spring Pierson. If I look at the last year from a far away glance,  I would say that the person who has had the most influence on me is definitely Spring. This dear girl has the strongest testimony, the sweetest personality, and the most pure heart you can imagine. She even inspired me to begin a blog. :) Daily— often hourly—I have to contact her to ask her for advice, share exciting news,  or express deepest despair.  I can't even wrap my head around counting the hours I have spent ranting to her, and she simply listens and understands. She says the exact thing I am craving to hear at each particular moment.  She knows me inside out. I confess my deepest sorrows and mistakes and she understands and convinces me that I am somehow perfect. She seems to think I am patient, which is something I've never found myself to be. The more I think about it, the more I believe she is right. She has helped me learn so many things about myself and helped me become the Jane I am today. We met last summer, as she stated in her post. We went through each and every day apart, but always together. We soon realized that although we were such different people, we were experiencing so many of the same things. I believe it maybe started with orange juice with ice cubes and chicken noodle soup broth, finally leading to much bigger things. We soon began sharing much more than a bottle of orange juice.  Days were spent sharing our favorite stories, making "To-do" lists (x2), drawing comical (and somewhat unartistic but rather realistic) artwork, soaking up summer rain storms and romance, and then we somehow found ourselves watching The Notebook and Pearl Harbor as the summer came to a close. Although I was worried our friendship would slightly diminish, it has proved to continue as I have faced so many difficulties and trials throughout this past year. Thank you, Spring, for being there. Every day. For helping me remain positive. For reminding me that memories are the best. For not judging me for facebook creeping, but instead doing just the same. For crying with me, and laughing with me. For aching with me and rejoicing with me. Thank you for being Spring.

fingertips.

Fingertips are incredible things. A few days ago a friend and I were discussing how sensitive they are. We began talking about nerve endings and the scientific part behind fingertips. I find that fascinating considering how magical fingertips have been for me as of late. The touch of a fingertip can mean one thousand million trillion things. Today? It meant: I'm right here; I'm not moving. Today? It meant: What can I do to help? The magic sent between a fingertip and a human being can be more powerful than words. I believe it is no coincidence how sensitive fingertips are.
side note: I currently am suffering from the removal of my gel nails I had for grad. I seriously suggest avoiding these to anyone who suffers from severe nail biting when nervous, or to anyone who is slightly obsessive compulsive as myself. Yes. Grad was somewhat of a stressful time and my fingernails were constantly begging to bitten (disgusting habit, I am well aware). However, I was fully incapable of relieving my stress! It was dreadful. Also. Once the tiny little corner of one nail broke, I need them to all be gone because I couldn't handle them not all matching. Jane will never again get fake nails. It is simply not her. The point of this is that my nail beds are in constant pain because I have been picking away trying to get rid of these dreadful things glued to the end of my hands. Poor fingertips.. 
Okay. I think that is enough. I'm sure this hardly makes sense to anyone, but that is just fine. I hope you use your fingertips for good magic as I have today. :)

bliss.

Summer is here.

gone.

Well. Grad came and went like I figured it would. It was fabulous, but it is over now. Here are just a couple pictures. I will probably put more up once I get some from Trisha but for now here are a few..

3:00am..

4:00am...

5:00am..

Yep. Meet Jane. I'm definitely a sleeper. I'll admit, I slept through the entire grad party! I was awake long enough to eat a couple bites of a pancake, and make an appearance on the King of the Hill! hahaha okay here are some pictures from when I was awake!

Getting my hypothetical diploma.. I actually have my real one at home because I technically graduated after last semester! :)

We did it! .. even Michelle! (please finish social. thanks.)

Grad was a success, but its over now and I can't help but wonder what the next few weeks are going to bring for me. There is still sooo many things happening.. all at once.. good and bad. I only have to go to school two more times.. anyway. That's all.

could it be?

Do I even need to expand on this? Everything. Things I have known would always happen someday are maybe here. Tomorrow. It is a day I have been anticipating for so long. Thursday June 3, 2010. Maybe.. just maybe. Anyway, all these things are so great.. but something about everything happening all at once has been perhaps a little bit too much for me, and I struggled today. I think I hadn't quite accepted everything until maybe a few hours ago... but that's okay. Maybe I'm ready to relax now. Tomorrow has the potential to be one of those days worth writing about. One of those days that I have worked so hard to reach, but not nearly as hard as so many others.  It's one of those days that will make me cry tears of joy. I am SO proud of us for reaching this day.. but mostly proud of YOU. Tomorrow is going to happen. 

*Oh. I'm not sure if anyone knew, but I have been seriously second guessing if I should be attending BYU in the fall. For the record. It is more than official now.  BYU is simply for Jane :) What a good day.

i love everyone.

Oh goodness. This week is crazy. I know it is crazy for everyone for different reasons. I am beyond stressed! Okay. So, of course it is almost GRAD. I really can hardly wait. I'm so excited, but at the same time I really don't want it to come.. because then it's over. Anyway. I'm about to vent so be ready! I am apart of the grad decorating committee (which I haven't been able to help with enough thus far and I feel bad!), I am responsible for organizing a musical number for our banquet on Friday, this week was our Girls Choir spring concert, I have some major English assignments that were supposed to be due today, and I have been working full time (in Waterton which complicates things further..) On top of that, there are nail appointments, hair appointments, flower shop trips, finding jewelry.. and alll those ridiculous other things that come up unexpectedly. This whole grad thing is absolutely ridiculous... but I am excited! I would like to say thank you to Katy and Mal for being so fabulous at being in charge of decorating and I would like to thank all the incredibly talented singers in our grade who are willing to help me pull this musical number together by Friday.. so cooperative :D and I would like to thank Chelan for gathering a team of mini-light checkers, and Kaylee for letting me text her with my happy news and reminding me that there is such a great reason to smile, and Avery for helping me decide how I want my hair done, and Mr. Sloan and Mr. Leavitt for agreeing to help with the sound system for our musical number, and Mr. Heninger for extending our deadline until next week, and Stacey for giving me the week off, and Karlee for coming to Details with me today because I was slightly nervous about that one.. and Jordan. For enduring my ridiculous stress, and taking me to grad even though I'm a brat. 

I am sure I've forgotten someone because there are so many wonderful people! Thank you, and I love you all!