spring cleaning.

Well, summer has left me. It came and went quickly. Some days were perfect. Some days I regret. There are words I wish I would have said and words I wish I wouldn't have. There are things I wish I wouldn't have done, and other things I wish I would have...

 Regardless,

it's time to let summer 2012 rest in peace. 

With that, I think it's time to take a bit of a break. 

With some wise wise words from my lovely friend Karlee, I've decided to simplify things in life. Sure, my life wasn't overly complicated before...

 but I am still taking some me time.

Karlee Rae told me to focus on me. 

Focus on making my life what I want it to be and also focus on becoming who I want to become.

 I really love her for telling me that. 

I feel like I've tried doing that before and sometimes I feel like I figure it out. 

Apparently not.

Truth is, I still just don't really know who I am. I change my mind about things every day. 

I'm scared of commitment and decision making.

I'm scared of honesty.

I'm more scared of dishonesty.

I'm scared of the future and unfortunately, I'm still scared of my past.

And mostly, I'm scared to death of getting hurt.

So, I'm just going to take a little break from planning and dwelling and wondering and pondering and just kind of let myself breathe a little bit and have a little faith that things willlll in fact happen the way they are supposed to. My heart hurts a little bit, but it will be okay someday. =)

source.

It's okay to like things that other people don't.

Something that makes me crazy is when people aren't themselves. I have posted about this so many times before. I go through phases I guess, and I should probably stop letting this bother me because it's never going to go away. It just makes me so sad to see people who don't know who they are .. and then they end up just latching onto the personality or life or ideas of someone else.
I can't even imagine how much that would suck. Seriously.

Everyone is different. It's better that way.

Sure, trends happen. Fads happen. Styles come in and out and some things are just popular.

It happens. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But for goodness sakes, that still leaves room to be a little unique.

I just wish everyone would:

say whats on their mind

dress how they want to dress

do what they want to do

love the things they want to love

It's okay to like things that other people don't.

It's okay to not like things that other people do.

Really. Thats what keeps things interesting.

Too many people are concerned with conformity.

Doing whatever it takes to fit in.

To not be noticed.

Or worse,

Seeing what makes others stand out and then using that same thing to make yourself stand out?

That doesn't count.

I know maybe it's hard, but it's not impossible.

Find what makes you different from everyone else. That's what makes you you.

Find that thing and embrace it.

Wear the ugly shoes.

Listen to that strange song.

Realize you don't actually like the new Katy Perry song, and don't be afraid to admit it.

Eat that odd food.

Wear that unknown perfume.

Listen to that old song.

And stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.

Okay thanks. =)

pick a side

The other day I decided to take a trip down memory lane and read some of my old blog posts. Well, I ended up reading like 100 from over a year ago. I realized how my blog posts used to be a million times more interesting, and I realized that's because I used to be better at sharing the thoughts deeper inside my heart. I guess it's safe to say that I've changed a lot the last two years. Just a little realization. I will try to be better at blogging whats really on my mind. Wish me luck.

So, lately I've been thinking a lot about the terms selflessness and selfishness. These paradoxical terms go hand in hand when determining the nature of a person. I realize, it is impossible to be both. It's the same thing as knowing that "No man can serve two masters "(Matt 6:24). These contradictory terms are the foundation for interaction with other people. Lately I have been surrounded by people who, to me, appear either very selfish, or very selfless. I can't help but want to be surrounded by those people who are only selfless. People who get caught up over the tiniest details and spend their life making sure everything is completely fair in all directions, I find to be very selfish.

Newsflash. Life just isn't fair, and it is impossible to make sure that everything is equal 100% of the time. Selfishness doesn't always mean wanting the most or wanting the best, it sometimes just means not being willing to give a little bit extra, or not realizing how being so self-centered can hurt others, or spending so much time worrying about how you can be successful that you forget to notice the things you are doing to reach that success are hurting others. Selflessness, on the other hand, only ever results in blessings. The person who is willing to give the last few dollars to pay for something, or the person who is willing to make a sacrifice to make sure someone else is able to succeed means a lot. The person who is willing to give advice over and over and listen to others over and over without ever being asked if they need anything. Small acts of daily sacrifice and kindness can make a world of difference. Being surrounded by both of these characteristics has made me question myself: which master am I serving?

When put into that context, it appears quite clear which master I want to be serving. Selflessness comes from God, and selfishness comes from the devil. There really isn't any other way to say it. When it's put that way, I choose God. Every.single.time.

I do find myself getting caught up on little things that don't matter often, and I want to stop. I want to be the person who is willing to make that sacrifice for other people.  I'm far from perfect, but learning a little bit about these two words and experiencing the effects of them has really been eye opening. Being selfless doesn't mean you have to donate your life savings to a charity. It doesn't mean to let others walk all over you. It simply means being open minded enough to see that the tiniest details really don't matter. Being willing to help someone out if they need it, and being aware enough to realize it before they have to ask.  It means buying the bracelet from the little kiddos in Mexico even though you already have five. They are only a dollar anyway. It means taking care of yourself and your things so no one else has to do it for you. It means giving spare change to the beggars on the street, because you know what? No one really knows for sure that they are going to be spending that money on drugs an alcohol. It means thinking about yourself less so you can realize how your actions are impacting other people. It means buying the cookies from the girl scout trying to raise money. It means not spending so much time thinking about how you can make your own life better, and maybe thinking about how you can make the life of someone else just a little bit easier. Now, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but theres no harm in making a good effort. I'm starting today.

+

Okay, I'm done now.

Bob Marley solving world issues.

K but really. If he would live by this...

and she would live by this...

 So many more people would be happy.

Come on people. Be honest. 

Life's too short to play games.

christmas gifts.

Today while I was waiting for church to start, I found my mind wandering. It has been doing that a lot. What am I saying. It always does that. Anyway, I started getting all caught up in my self pity and confusion and troubles in life, but then I glanced down to the church bulletin resting on my lap. This little gift was printed right in front of me. It made me smile, and I want to share.

Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
~Oren Arnold

Then I started thinking about new things. My fussing and pity seemed to sink to the back of my mind as I thought about these letters placed together on the page sending such a lovely message.
It's Christmas.

+

So.

To my enemy. Forgiveness.
 I can't exactly think of one particular person. But I do know that there are people that I have struggled to get along with in the past. People who have hurt me or done something that I don't agree with. I'm afraid I have a few grudges that I believe really should just disappear. I am going to do my best to find forgiveness. I know its possible if I stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past.

To my opponent. Tolerance.
To be honest, I don't have any particular opponents right now. Opposition? Yes. There is opposition in all things. So, dear opposition. Come as you may. I will tolerate you, because you exist. I will continue to exhibit a good attitude and do my best not to let the opposition to get the best of me.

To my friend. My heart.
My dear friends. Here is my heart. My heart is honest. My heart is full. It is forgiving. It is healing and growing. Here friend, my heart is yours. Take it. :)

To a customer.  Service.
I am not in any situation where I will be helping customers as I am currently unemployed, but I certainly do not mind giving service. There are opportunities to serve everywhere, inside and outside of the home. I don't mind helping, but I sometimes find myself serving unwillingly. I am going to make a constant effort to serve with a happy heart. It helps. Serving is always rewarding.

And to everyone. Charity.
What is charity? We are often asked this question. Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is loving someone as Christ would. This is a challenge, because I am far from perfect, but keeping the constant remembrance of the Savior and how he would treat others.

To every child. A good example.
Oh my, I have been developing such a deep love for children the past little while. Being in the primary has brought me such joy. They have so much joy and always help me to feel the spirit. I remember when I was little and looking up to the older kids who were in high school or going to college and thinking they were so old. I remember watching them and wishing I was them. I feel so young now, but I believe its the same. The children still watch. Setting a good example for children is more valuable than often realized. I wouldn't be who I am today without the example set by my older siblings and some of my friends older siblings.

To myself. Respect.
I am deserving of respect. I deserve to be treated as a Daughter of God. I don't deserve to be looked down upon or mocked. Unfortunately, life isn't that simple. I will not always be treated with respect. But I can respect myself enough to remember that I am a Daughter of God, and remember not to let the opinions of others affect the self image I have of myself.

dreamer.

Well. I have finished four out of my nine finals for the semester. I have five more in the next three days. I should have spent the weekend studying. Right now I should be stressed out or reviewing notes or maybe even getting ready for bed. I should be cramming. I should be making flash cards or frantically searching for answers...... but for some reason.. 

all I can think about right now is how wonderful life would be if I were... 

a gypsy. 

How truly fabulous. Travelling the world from place to place. Dancing in the streets. Running away from everything. I would for sure run away to Europe. The streets of London are calling my name I believe. And then to Spain. And Ireland. I have always wanted to see Whales. Scotland. Ahhhh so much freedom? Seriously. Imagine that.

or a professional ballerina.

Imagine the calloused feet and aching joints. Or the incredibly toned muscles and the inner and outer strength that would be achieved. Imagine the blood, sweat, and tears. Imagine the complete gratification of being able to be apart of moving art and inspiring amateur dancers such as myself to become great. Ahhh how wonderfully fulfilling.

or a writer. 

Hiding deep in the streets of Manhattan. 

Perhaps aching to be published in the copious columns of big time NY magazines. 

Or maybe just striving to become that delicious book discovered in the corner of an antique store, seventy five years from now. Or maybe just living off of that thrill of knowing that someone likes what you have to say.

Perhaps in another lifetime.

photo sources.

just be happy.

I haven't been a very avid blogger lately.

I have been busy living life.

It's been grand.

I like this lovely little thought quite a lot.

source.

Don't mind if I do. 

The wisdom of the upper east side?

Call me ridiculous...

but.

I'm so pleased Gossip Girl has returned into my life.

For those of you who haven't seen it?
I bet you would never guess it could be so insightful.

"Maybe it's not blood bonds that make us family. Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway so we can finally be ourselves."

- Gossip Girl

source.

makes sense.

The other day my roommate was giving our FHE lesson and she was elaborating on a talk that was given in an Ensign from 1999. I'm afraid I don't know the talk and when I asked her she couldn't find it. Excuse me for not giving the wise soul who spoke these words the proper credit. If I ever find it again I'll be sure to come edit this. What's important is the fabulous words that were spoken that have stuck with me all week.

"Real love is charity, and it is only obtained through the love of Christ. When exercising charity, we come to know a person's heart. When we know a person's heart, we are different. We won't judge them. We won't hold grudges. We won't take offense. We will simply love them."

I've got to stop thinking.

source.

but it kind of all makes sense, right?

Music Monday a day early.

Okay. It isn't Monday, but I have been waiting three days to share this song and I can't wait another minute because it is THAT good.

I am in love with every single aspect of this song.

Lost and Found - Katie Herzig

I know you left me standing there 
Out of the calm of the coldest air 
I don't believe the words you said 
But I can't find the words I want 
Oh, I can't find the words I want 

If you were gone in another life 
I don't believe I would just survive 
I could feel you next to me 
An escape from the world I'm in 
Oh, I'm afraid of the world I'm in  
One day I will see Heaven's reach 
I'll find the one who left me sleeping 
Every war was another seed 
That could feed every soul in need 
Oh, I'm worn by the war in me 

Somebody found me here 
Somebody held my breath 
Somebody saved me from the world you left 
If you're gonna cry my tears 
If you're gonna hold my breath 
If you're gonna let me see the sun you set 
Oh, I am lost and found 
Oh, I am lost and found 

Where does your mail go?

Have you ever thought about the journey a letter takes from one part of the world to another? Yeah probably not. But I think about it every week when I open my mailbox in Babb and find another letter waiting for me. Whenever I see Postal Vehicles driving I kinda get excited a little bit when I think about how truly amazing the postal system is! It's crazy okay. You just write a couple random numbers and letters on the front, slap a stamp in the corner and drop it in a box and expect that it will somehow find its way into the hands of who its supposed to.. and it does. Usually.

I have a story that seriously just made my life.

I have a post office box across the border because lots of things ordered in the states won't get shipped to Canada, and it's also cheaper to mail domestic instead of internationally(obviously). When you have a family member that uses the united postal system as often as my family does.. it's worth it. So. Today, my parents were going to get the mail across the border. So sweet of them, really. Anyway, all was well, I even had a parcel waiting. They brought it home for me and my day was made, the usual. Anyway, here we are.. five hours later.. and the best thing in the world just happened.
Someone knocked at the door. My mom yelled at my to answer it (of course =) ) so I ran upstairs and a familiar lady was standing there with her hands behind her back. She asked to talk to my mom and my mom was just at the top of the stairs. The lady started walking up the stairs. I thought it was kinda odd because people don't usually just head up the stairs that fast.. ya know? I figured something serious must be up. Call me a sneak, but I stayed at the bottom of the second set of stairs trying to figure out what was going on, but I could not hear a thing. This lady was whispering. Anyway, the lady walked out the door and I ran upstairs because I figured my mom would tell me whats up. She handed me a letter from Cody. This lady had found my letter in the garbage at the post office in Montana! Apparently, she first thought maybe my parents were throwing away my letters... but then she decided maybe they weren't so she better double check. It had actually been stuck inside a flier and was thrown away on accident. She rescued my letter and brought it back into Canada and drove it over to my house. When my mom told me I was so excited I ran outside and gave this lady a huge hug.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love living where I do? Where else in the world would someone find your letter in the garbage across the border, think maybe you were supposed to get it, and bring it to you? Nowhere. Nowhere else. 

I am happy as a clam. It is officially my favorite day ever.

source.

sidenote. This letter is officially my favorite and I kind of think deserves some sort of award for being so determined to find me... Perhaps a frame instead of the letter binder?

I believe this is necessary.

I got this idea from this blog post. I think it is truly necessary, and I am so happy I am able to take this pledge.

=) 

Feel free to take the pledge as well..

Click the image to join in!

 AS A KIND-HEARTED BLOGGER I PLEDGE TO:

• create, inspire, and admire rather than compete with fellow bloggers
• be understanding of each other-- in the blogging community, as well as in the world
• stay away from internet/blogging bullying
• speak my opinion freely, while still being mindful of other's feelings-- be tactful.
• make an effort--no matter how big or small the gesture, to spread kindness or joy to others
• acknowledge that I will make mistakes, (I am only human) but remember to learn from them
• know that at times I will post about the negative stuff in life, and maybe even some complaining (I am only human) but I will always follow up with something happy/positive too.
• believe that this world is a good place, filled with good people.

Baby, it's fact.

Unoriginality. Makes me cringe.
I know there are so many ideas in the world, but I just know that it isn't just a coincidence.. EVERY time.....
Is it to difficult to admit that you weren't the one who came up with the idea?
"Oh hey! So and so did this, and I think I'm going to do that as well! It seems like something I would really like..".. instead of..
"I have the best idea ever!... I'm going to this. Aren't I so brilliant for coming up with that?"
Seriously.
I know I should just get over it, but it is just too common to just not care. If it happened oh maybe once or twice a week instead of once or twice a day, maybe I'd handle things better.
I suppose getting easily frustrated is one of my weaknesses.
I'm working on it, honest.
BUT SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. Quit taking credit for things that aren't your idea.
It all comes down to being someone you aren't.
Don't make decisions in life based on what other people choose.
Especially the big decisions!
I'm not saying you have to make sure no one has ever done anything before you did it.
That's impossible. Everyone is the person they are based on the influences of everyone else they have interacted with in their lives.

But for the love. Don't look at someone and think to yourself, "Hm. I like their life. I'm going to copy it."

Seriously. Because if you do, you are going to be very unhappy someday.

I'm not saying be different than everyone else.

Just do what YOU want. Be friends with the people YOU choose to be friends with. Go to school where YOU want to go to school. Be what YOU want to be. Love whomever YOU love. Successful people are only successful because they follow their OWN heart and their OWN dreams, not YOURS.

ask for source.

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy." - John Mason

return of the english diploma Part I

Okay. Warning. This could potentially be considered a very very very boring post so don't get excited to read it. This is strictly in response to a request for some people who have been asking to read my diploma essays. I couldn't decide if I wanted to post them.. because writing is kind of.. hard to share with people. Yes, I write a blog every day but this is different. I wasn't writing this essay with the intent of my peers and the blog world reading it, ya know? Just some crazy dedicated English teacher who volunteers to mark essays for the first week of their summer holidays... Anyway. Yes, I received 100% on both of my English 30-1 essays and requested to receive copies back because I just wanted to read them again. (Did you know you can get them back? Cool huh. Ask me how if you like to keep stuff like essays =) ) Yes, they are in my hand, and yes, I am going to type them on my blog. Today, just my Personal Response. I'm not exactly looking for critique.. because it has already been graded and I won't be using it for anything else in my life. If you have something nice to say,go for it.. annnnnd I guess if you are dying to say something negative, I can take it. I think. haha..

For people who didn't go to grade twelve in Alberta, we have to write a final at the end of the year that comes from the Government of Alberta and it is worth 50% of our final grade. It's kind of a big deal, and the tests are always really hard. Anyway, English is my favorite, so I spent most of my year preparing. Probably should have spent a little more time on math.. buuuuut oh well. :) For this exam in particular, we have exactly three hours to write a personal response to a text given, along with a critical/analytical essay in response to a text studied in the year. We don't get to take anything into the test with us except our brains. I will not be offended if you don't like it.., because whoever marked them in Edmonton.. well.... their opinion is more important to me than yours for this particular piece of writing... Sorry. =)

For my Personal Response essay I decided to write in a creative form instead of an essay form, and ended up writing a short story. I actually used somewhat of an outline from a practice essay I wrote earlier in the year that I received a good score on just written in class. Practice makes perfect or something, right? :) No, it's definitely not perfect. Anyway, It actually has the same title; however, it is an entirely different essay. The title was just based on the metaphor of the essay, which was similar to the previous essay I wrote. Make sense?.. probably not. A lot of people have actually read that practice essay, because it is now published in the WriTeen 2010 anthology from the Writers Guild of Alberta. ( I think that's what it's called?) and I gave copies of it to my family for Christmas along with my English teacher. Anyway. Here is my Personal Response essay from June 2010. I forget the topic, so if anyone who also wrote in June 2010 remembers, please remind me? Something about responsibility ..

OH. And even though this is a "personal response".. it's completely fictional. This didn't happen to me. hahaha. And yes, I know it is written very dramatically. I did that on purpose.

My Feature Presentation

Wrath. The bitterness that comes with the deep despair of defeat flares through the center of my soul. I feel as if I have been placed inside a movie: a drama-filled soap opera. Throughout the past three years, this tumult inside of me has only expanded. Enough discussion. Enough therapy. Enough fighting. My words echo endlessly throughout the hallway of what seems to be a set. Stage right. Stage left. Whether I enter from the front door or the back door, the results are the same. Lights. Spotlights. Directed on me. Camera. Everything is remembered and recorded. Everything is analyzed and inspected. Action. The disarray begins. I have no control. I'm eighteen. I'm old enough. Stop thinking of me as a little girl. You have to understand—I've grown up. No one understands. This is my best friend. This is the boy who has carried me through relentless misery. This is the boy who has shown me who I am. This is the boy I love. My parents have become only one thing to me: a cast of antagonists. Our conversations have turned into one thing to me: a script of sardonic words.

My mother married young; furthermore, she was incapable of holding onto that marriage. Her dogmatic beliefs suffocate me. For some reason, she believes I am incapable of experiencing love at my age. For some reason, she believes I am to follow in her footsteps and attend boarding school. Comical. I subconsciously turn up the background music. Louder. So loud I can no longer hear the shrill shrieking of my mother's insistence that I don't know what love is. I can no longer hear the haunting howls of my father forbidding me to see him. Don't know what love is? How can they think that? The relationship between my dear boy and myself far surpasses any sort of love I have ever been able to witness between my parents. They don't touch. They don't laugh or play. They don't know anything about love. Boarding school? Where has she come up with this idea? I am positive I have viewed a similar plot-line in every single movie that rests in our cabinet, yet she believes this is the answer. Amidst my wandering thoughts, I am taken back. The foggy flashback somewhat comforts me. I'll wait for you, you know? I love you, and that doesn't just go away. I'll come with you. I'll do whatever it takes. The words I was aching to hear poured out of his mouth like a pitcher of ice-cold lemonade on a summer's day, quenching a thirst that none other could. A soft melody surrounds me. Surreal. I listen closer—it's a love song. The camera drifts away to another blissful oblivion. It starts from a long shot, then slowly focuses in on the center of the meadow. I watch myself being lifted and spun in a circle. My knight is rescuing his damsel in distress from a fiery dragon. I smile as I remember my fear of frogs and how he so gallantly scared them away. My fairy-tale romantic childhood was idyllic, and it had transformed from an unforgettable friendship into an everlasting love.

Listen! Interruption. My memories are halted. Although replenished, I am not unable to cling to the bulletproof memories any longer, nor can I tune out the egregious echoes of power reverberating from the microphone, and then blasting from the speakers. The climax is imminent. The music changes into an ominous rumble. The antagonists threaten to conquer. Inhale or exhale? Which is it that I need to do? I am suffocating. The painfully pernicious commands from my parents enhance my plight. As I nearly accept defeat, I hear a narrator in the distance. I feel her beckoning me. Her consoling words allow for relief. You are an adult. You are capable of loving. Don't let them make decisions for you. Take responsibility for your life. The words so simply stated allow me to clear my thoughts. My skin is on fire. I feel certain that their opinions can't last forever. I can feel it in my bones. Inhale. That is what I need to do. The breath fills my lungs to their maximum capacity. I hold the air inside of me to the point of pain. As I exhale, I feel the oxygen return into my veins. I smile. I have won, for I am my own person. With the return of a soothing song, credits roll.

Well. If you stuck around this long as to read an essay... there you have it. And remember, completely fictional... My critical/analytical will make it's way up here one of these days when I feel like typing up another essay... so if you care, keep your eyes open. Oh, and grade twelves. Your welcome. haha I wish I could have read a graded essay before I wrote my diploma.

OHHH what lives some people choose to live.

Please, excuse me while I rant.

Life would be so much easier without those people who like to stir things up. 

You know the type.. 

the homewrecker..

the conniver.. 

the sneaky one.. 

Ya. That face that just popped into your mind after reading those descriptions.

I'll stop there.. because I prefer to not use vulgar language.

You know? It frustrates me. More and more every day. People getting involved in my business, or even just watching as a person gets involved in the business of someone else, with their only intentions being that they come out on top. Suuuree.. tell everyone that you are trying to make things better, or trying to "get information" just so you can help your friend out. How old are you again? Last time I checked.. we stopped using messengers in our relationships in elementary school.

"So and so said this about you.. and I heard that she actually thinks this"

Okkaayy??? Thanks, tips.

 Gahhh. It never ends.

And never, in my life, have I seen so many people trash talking their so called "best friends"

Seriously. Don't tell me someone is your best friend if you are going to turn around and try and screw things up for her the next day and say awful things about her right after.

 If she was actually your best friend, you would want her to be happy.

Don't you feel guilty putting your own happiness and desires so far above everyone else that you are wiling to ruin something potentially great for your best friend? 

And then completely lie to her face about it?

I don't understand.

Seriously.

And for the love of everything in my life, please, do NOT try to suck me into anything that doesn't concern me in the least. I don't want to be involved in anything more than necessary.

Thanks.

The end.

source undisclosed.

I Love.

I love surprises.

I love the sunshine.

I love painting with ten year olds.

I love teaching three year olds how to point their toes.

I love handwritten letters.

I love the fact that it is March eighth.

I love that I get to start school in less then six months.

I love that I get to go to Florida in forty-three days.

I love that I just got a check in the mail for $75.00 for doing a survey that took me about twenty minutes.

I love how much I have changed in the past six months.

I love knowing that I am going to keep changing.

I love that my weaknesses can be forgiven.

I love that Steph let me add to her birthday package for Karlee.

I love cheesy pick-up lines.

I love the handful of new friends I have. 

I love that I am slowly checking things off my giant list of things to do.

I love Justin Bieber, and how incredibly talented he is.

I love sitting in my bed with Sydnee for six hours and doing absolutely nothing except reading and talking and laughing.

I love that winter will be over soon.

I love that this summer will be my last "summer job".. and the next time I need to work.. I will have a career!

I love the little girl who just brought the "Lost Family Cat" sign into the dance studio, and I love her mom for driving her around to put up posters.

I love my friends.

source undisclosed.

Oh. Sidenote. In reference to this post.. you should watch both of these videos.

 Here and Here.

Love them

I like it this way.

Today. I watched a high school basketball game: my second one since graduating from high school. I reflected a little bit back on high school... This is all I could come up with.

Life becomes so superficial in high school. I have been out of high school for eight months. A year if you don't count my second semester of high school because I only had school in the mornings.. and only every other day. I can honestly say, I don't miss it...

Somehow, all the things that used to seem so huge.. ended up being so small. 

(just like everyone who has previously graduated said they would)

The car you drive.

The jeans.

The sports teams.

The grades.

The flats.

The wall of fame.

The election week.

The dances.

The headbands.

The decorations.

The grad date.

The football jackets.

The cardigans.

The perfect dress.

The perfect college.

The assemblies.

The attempts to get everyone to participate.

The lack of school spirit.

The lockers.

The latest music.

The.. who heard it first.

The.. who wore it first.

The.. who saw it first.

The.. who dated it first.

The chi curls.

The backcombing.

The lazy days in sweats.

The hoping no one noticed how greasy your hair was.

The having the best spares.

The jocks. 

The cheerleaders.

The suck ups.

The people who hated the suck ups.

The theater people.

The people who sat alone by choice.

The people who sat alone.. not by choice. ( :( )

The saying goodbye as everyone parted that summer post-grad.

The harmless pranks.

The not-so-harmless pranks.

The cliques.

The making sure everyone knew just how fun your weekend was.

The gross lunches.

The amazing pizza.

The fact that there was only {supposed to be} diet pop.

The not studying for tests.

The cruising.

The parties.

The fear of diplomas.

The buying snacks for seminary.

The blocking of facebook in the computer lab.

The.. who did this to my car?

The post-game parties.

The grad party.

The who knows the coolest boys.

The realization that you are never going to need to know how do Logs in life.

The disagreements in social.

The Friday night plans.

The town hopping.

The winning of banners.

The cutest couples.

We heard it a million times, and I have known it forever, but somehow, looking back, it is just different. It is something that everyone just has to figure out for themselves. You can't tell the sixteen year old girl that it really just doesn't matter who she dated or whether or not she was a cheerleader or if she played volleyball or how she did her make up or who her best friends were and what they did the second weekend of March last year... because to a sixteen year old girl, all of that DOES matter. There is no point in trying to tell anyone this until they have experienced life after high school. I think it is just part of the brain development.. You can't tell people just how unnecessary it all is if their brain isn't ready to accept that. 

Everyone. Just enjoy high school, k?

One day, you'll see.

Here I am, only eight months later. My life changed 150% after high school... and again 150% more as I got sick and had to come home from college... I am still living in this little town.. working so I can leave. It is surprising to see how the same things happen, the same gossip continues, and how people even try to suck me into it. It's crazy. What is most important to me now? Nothing on that list above. All that stuff was the center of my life or the life of those I was surrounded by for so long. 

Now? The center of my life..

Well. All those things that seemed so lame, and so small, ended up being so huge.

It is making appointments and doing taxes. 

It is applying for scholarships and seeing specialists.  

It is trying to figure out how to organize bank statements and trying to save money. 

It is learning to love vegetables and coming home at 10:30 on a Friday night just because I want to.

 It is taking vitamins because I want to, not because my mom wants me to. 

It is deep cleaning, and studying my scriptures.

 It is planning for the future. 

It is making dinner and sewing quilts. 

It is {usually} being responsible. 

It is working. 

It is forgetting I have a cell phone.

It is reading the newspaper.

It is volunteering at the elementary school because I would rather be there than sleeping.

It is paying for a high school transcript.

It is emailing back and forth with the head of the Dental Hygiene department. 

It is keeping accurate records and talking to my sister on the phone. 

It is having five hour conversations with my parents about politics and current events.

It is realizing how much I love children's literature.

 It is scrubbing my bathroom and keeping up on the laundry.

It is being alone, and just thinking.

I like it this way.

ask for source.

It's hard to live up to something that isn't real, isn't it?

Lately I have had a lot of thoughts on the issue of the self-image girls have of themselves. Then I read a couple blog posts and it inspired me to write something of my own. First of all.. you should read the posts that inspired me to write this post. THIS, and THIS. It is seriously all so true...

 source.

Do you believe that once upon a time I dated a boy who told me he preferred blondes to brunettes...? It's true. This same boy later told me that he had a weight category for his future wife. 107lbs - 114lbs. The worst part is I didn't even realize at the time just how cruel that was for him to say. Does he plan on his wife giving him children??... Seriously. It makes me cringe. It is truly disgusting.. and I am so happy I am no longer involved with that boy even the slightest, and I am sorry for whatever girl thinks that she has to live her entire life falling into his "weight category". Another boy I dated even earlier in life continuously teased me because about my "squishy" stomach. He said he loved that it was squishy, and I honestly think he truly believed he was making me more confident by telling me that he liked my flaws, but a girl hearing that she is "squishy" isn't exactly endearing.....?

I just want to quickly point out that I am not blaming boys for being the cause of eating disorders or poor self-esteem. It has been scientifically proven that girls with eating disorders don't logically understand the concept of food and calories even if it is explained to them a million times. They truly have a distorted image of themselves. It is a disease. It can't be cured with a few positive comments of how beautiful they are; however, boys can certainly influence for the better or the worse. I find that never talking about the size of a girl in general is the best way to avoid that. Even if you are talking about a different girl, or a random person in passing... the girls you are with will hear. She will analyze, and she will compare.. Am I right girls?

Lucky for me, I have been strong thus far in life,  and I haven't given in to the media and magazines and believed what is portrayed as a "perfect" body... but I have certainly been close. How could I not? Everyone girl in the world has seen a picture of Megan Fox and witnessed how the guys literally drool over her. And yes boys, hearing how beautiful the air-brushed movie stars are affects us. That gives us something to compare ourselves to, and do you know how hard it is to compare yourself to a photoshopped/airbrushed photo? Yes, media does this to males as well. Try it sometime... Go into Abercrombie and Fitch and compare your body to the models you see on the walls. It's hard to live up to something that isn't real, isn't it.

Of course this sort of thing affects me. Yes.. I have gone through phases where my scale is my best friend. I have been involved in some severe calorie counting, and certainly had my share of negative thoughts about my body. I have had close friends who have struggled with eating disorders and self-confidence issues when it comes to their weight or body shape. I have had at least three close friends personally confide in me about an eating disorder, and I know there are even more. This isn't just something that is heard on TV or read about in books. These issues are honestly right under your nose.

I guess I just want to tell everyone how I have come to peace with myself. First of all, I have been active my entire life. Exercise is truly so important. Not just to be strong, or to have a perfect body, or because everyone else exercises, but because it keeps your body going. It revitalizes you. It strengthens you. It makes you feel good about yourself. I will admit, I struggle with this whole exercising business. Doesn't curling up on the couch with a box of Lindors and The Notebook sound so much more appealing than running on a treadmill?.... Sure, when I was little I ran around 90% of the day, and through Junior High and High School I was either dancing or playing sports. I have found that now I am not exercising as much, I have seen my body change. I do need to make a conscious effort to exercise more and here it is in writing.. I am going to be better from now on.

I have come awfully close to hating my body. It truly isn't how it used to be. Yes, I am only 19 and I'm sure when I am 45 and have six kids I will read this and laugh, but honestly it has changed. I just can't fit into size zero pants folks. Even if I was just skin and bone, it wouldn't work. I have hips. I have a soft stomach that you can even squeeze. It is just the way I am. That's how girls are made.

What has helped me be at peace with my body, is the fact that it is a gift from God. My body was given to me to maintain. It was given to me so at the appropriate time, I can be the home for a developing child. God has trusted me to be able to bear His children, and I think I owe it to Him to at least love myself. Being strong and healthy is just one way I can make sure I am capable of being able to have children someday. I truly can't imagine being so selfish today and starving my body of essential vitamins and minerals just to be skinny. I am not saying this so insult girls with this issue. Trust me. I am just saying that with myself, that has been the thing that has helped me accept who I am and love myself. Girls, can you please just imagine someday, having to look your husband in the eye, and tell him you aren't able to have children and knowing exactly why? Can you imagine thinking back to the day you sat kneeling in front of the toilet and purging the food that you had consumed? Can you think back to the aching teeth and trembling hands and the self-hating as you convinced yourself you could maintain your body without food? The results are truly this dramatic. The thought of my body being constantly prepared to give birth to a child someday is truly the one thing that helps me love myself. What a privilege it will be to one day be able to have a beautiful child of my own. I know that by eating what I am supposed to, and by exercising and keeping myself strong and healthy, I am showing God that I am grateful for his gift to me.

For those girls, and boys, out there who are struggling.. you really can get help. Ask someone you trust or someone who loves you. I promise there is someone who will support you.
Your body is a gift. Please remember that. =)

ask for source.

no longer strangers

Is it strange to feel that I feel somewhat connected to people who are complete strangers?

I love me a good blog friend. 

 I have never actually met any of these girls, but they have all occasionally commented on my blog and changed my life from day to day. They don't really know me personally, but through their blogs and my own, they have encouraged me and comforted me often. Their words are always inspiring.

 Josabet has been an avid follower for quite some time. She leaves me the most thoughtful comments and always seems to understand just what I am trying to say. I feel the same way when I read her blog. I genuinely feel upset when I find out she is having a bad day. Call me crazy, but it happens. She wrote the greatest post yesterday called A Better Me. It was truly inspiring. This is a little part of it..


"Sometimes the solutions to what seem to be the biggest problems, are lying there in our hands.. It's just a matter of if you choose to do something with them."


I was actually very inspired by this. She is so right. Solutions are right there, always. Thought I'd share what she had to say. Thanks, Josabet.


 Becky grew up close to the same town as me, but we never met. She posted this a while back. It honestly touched me that particular day, and I was so grateful she posted it. This sort of thing is so often a bigger deal than so many people realize, and I am so happy she posted this. I hope every girl, (and boy?) takes a look at it, and feels beautiful like I did.

I have just recently come in contact with Lindsey, but I have already felt uplifted as I have briefly scanned through her posts and. Without ever speaking to her or knowing her, I was intrigued by what she had to say. I wonder about the challenges she has possibly faced, and how she has over come them with such a positive outlook. I really don't know anything about her, other then the fact that she has faith, Faith in a better tomorrow, faith in love, and faith in people, and I like that.

There have been many other people that I have come into contact via blogging, but these three have stood out lately. Sometimes something you have to say is just exactly the thing that someone else needs to hear.
I think I'll keep this up.

Love.

"Liiiightbulb?!"

Okay Steph, what movie? =)

Okay but really. I have had an eye opening day.

Valentine's Day isn't all about couples. No but really! It doesn't have to be about whether or not you are single or in a relationship. It doesn't matter if you are married or engaged or heartbroken or chasing someone or in a rut or waiting for someone or simply have no interest in anyone at all. It doesn't have to be chocolate and flowers and kisses. Sure, that's all great, but I learned something this Valentine's Day. It is simply about celebrating love. That's all. 

That is exactly what my day was about. Celebrating love. Love for family and friends, family of friends, and friends of family.

Who doesn't have any sort of love in their life?

I certainly hope everyone has a little bit of love coming from somewhere.

Apparently I have love coming from everywhere.

I am honestly speechless. I know I wrote a whole post on how great people are, but it has just hit me again. I am so grateful to have such amazing people be apart of my life. I have never felt so geniunely loved and cared for as I did this Valentine's Day. Thank you, everyone, who took time out of their day to share kind words with me. I love you all.