straight up nothingness.

I've been thinking tonight. I have this problem. I have always had it, and it seems to just get worse as time passes. It is probably stemmed from a combination of stubbornness and pride. Unfortunate traits to have, yes, but they exist in me nonetheless. I won't even try to deny that because if anyone knows me even the slightest, they are aware of both of these things. Anyway, this problem I have. I sort of tend to say things I don't mean. Not necessarily lying, but more I don't say what I actually feel, or what I want to. Probably in fear of being hurt, or almost... out of a test to see the reaction of others? If that makes sense. Okay, this is sounding dreadful. Let me try to give an example.

I remember when I was really little I was at a friend's house. On their tabletop sat a fresh skor cake. I'm certain this cake was still warm. It looked brilliant, and I was offered a piece. For some crazy reason, I turned it down, even though I was dying to eat the entire thing. I think this was an attempt at being polite, but immediately after I turned it down I thought to myself, "I shouldn't have just done that..?" Its stupid really. I guess that wasn't really a prime example either.. oh well. Anyway, this thing I do, I'm afraid has only increased as I have grown older. What happened to growing older and wiser? This thing I do has caused me nothing but grief. I have denied myself so many things because I do this. Everything from skor cake to friendships to free meals to hanging out to dates. I say things inbetween the lines and its silly. If I was more.. straight up.. with my feelings and my thoughts, I think I would have saved myself a lot of problems. I have realized this a few times in my life, but it has become this crazy cycle where I have become tangled in this web of saying things between the lines and analyzing words and telling people I want to go home when I don't and asking people to leave me alone when really I just want a hug? I am tired of this game, and after writing this, I believe it is almost dishonest to a degree? I think I'll try to be clear from now on.

Sorry you had to suffer through this rant of nothingness. To be honest, I don't even know what I am trying to say. I guess its just one of those days?

I didn't really mean that.