Spring and Forgotten Thoughts.

First things first, it would be great if my friends would stop making me cry all the time. First, Karlee wrote the most darling post which I mentioned yesterday, and today I find this little gem. Spring is the best friend. I am going to miss her when we can't just drive to Lethbridge for corn chowder and star bucks on any given night.. because she will be across the ocean. Have you ever had a friend who lives across the ocean? It isn't exactly convenient. But that is okay but she is going on her own life adventure, and I will continue mine here. Naturally, when she gets back, we won't even have to fill each other in on our lives because I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of emails full of sidenotes and photos and absurd facebook statuses that we will send to each other as they are discovered. =) Have fun in England, Spring!

Second things. There aren't so many words for this one. But there has been this song that has been replaying in my life for about a year now and maybe I forgot about it. How could I ever forget Ingrid? But alas, it is back.

"The only way to really know, is to really let it go."

Of course, I found this. This thought, long forgotten.

"It's all going to be perfect, isn't it?"

And you were right.

december 29th is my BIRTHDAY!

and I am 19 now.

Ok but really, Birthdays have never really been a huge deal for me. I think the fact that it is four days after Christmas kind of makes seem like.. well just that. It's not a very big deal. So I was born. Big deal right? I think my mom should be celebrated, after all, she birthed me. I had nothing to do with it. Seriously though, Christmas is so anticipated and commercialized, and so that is where my focus always is.  My birthday has always been just sort of, an after thought. I've always been okay with that. To be honest, I always feel a little bit awkward when people are constantly checking to make sure I have a good day. I do appreciate it though. Anyway. This year, some of my friends went the extra mile to make my day extra special. Dallin woke up extra early to make me a cake and gave me the most darling jacket in the whole world, and his family made me dinner and a bunch of happy birthday posters to use as decorations. Steph even bought me my two favorite movies!  and Karlee wrote me the sweetest blog post. And Cody! He is taking me to a Calgary Flames game on Monday. Best birthday ever, I'm pretty sure. I have the best friends in the world. The day ended with a bunch of friends just hanging out at my house playing cards. I actually just had a really great day. =)

i'll just pretend today didn't happen.

source undisclosed.

&&

is it ever an ugly day today.

ten things.

There are:

unless you read this post.

One thing I know, when I took the dive, it never felt so good, never felt so alive. (China Dolls - Jaylene Johnson)

Two words: What the????

Three little words are often overused. It absolutely drives me crazy. People toss them around because they think they understand them. Maybe they seem like the right thing to say, or the only thing to say. They say them, and within minutes are insisting their opposite. Who does that?

Four girls are my best friends in the whole world. Steph, Kate, Karlee, and Michelle. I love these girls, and no matter what, I know we will always be best friends. We fight all the time, and we all drive each other crazy. But I think that is what makes us so close. =)

Five years from now, I can see myself being married. I hope to be married in five years from now, even though when I think about five years ago, the time seems to have gone awfully fast. I was just about to turn fourteen. Huh. I really thought I was so old. Funny how with each passing year, I feel younger, and younger, and have more fears about growing up.

Six is the smallest size shoe that your average shoe store carries. It's frustrating, really. You see, my feet don't quite fit a size six. I walk into a shoe store, and say, "What is the smallest size shoe you carry?" "Six" is always the answer. I try them on, and of course, they are slightly big, but I just don't have another option. "You can try in-soles. They make the shoe about a half size smaller." You think I don't know that? I probably have six sets of in-soles at home in my closet.

Seven is supposedly a lucky number, right? Why is that? When I played basketball and volleyball, back in the day, I chose number seven. It wasn't lucky. I didn't even like playing.. When I decided that I wanted to dance instead of play sports, it didn't seem like it would be that life-altering. It kind of wasn't, from day to day. Sometimes I have to wonder though... where would I have ended up? Who would my friends be?

Eighteen years old, for me, has not been the age to be worrying about the types of things I have been forced to worry about. I can't think that far into the future yet, and I don't want to. Such big questions and requests that have been thrown at others, and myself, this year have sure caused some problems. Maybe eighteen is an okay age for some people to fall in love and get married, but not for Jane, thanks for asking though.. I think.

Nineteen year old boys will certainly be the death of me. Seriously. If not now, certainly when I have nineteen year old boys of my own.

Tendrils, and lovely, are two beautiful words, are they not? I have a list of favorite words. Dalliance. Eloquence. Sumptuous. I'm going to go ahead and drop the word plunk in here for the sake of Spring. Words are the best, ever.

christmas tree.

I.

Love.

Christmas.

More. Every.Year.

Favorite Gifts This Year:

Having most of my family home.

Sincere messages from caring friends.

A hug that I missed more than I realized.

Nine words that let me know you still remember.

Love

Love

Love

source undisclosed.

OH. just a little sidenote.

You just go ahead and keep doing what you are doing. If you are waiting for a reaction, you aren't going to get one from me. =)

to wherever.

This is me, hoping your Christmas is cozy and sweet.

This is me, praying you feel love from family and friends.

This is me, sending my heart, to wherever it needs to be.

I guess it's all I can do.

=)

source.

&& I hope you can feel it.

ohhh please.

I ask myself. 

Why, why, why, do people insist on ruining a perfectly good day?

I certainly refuse to let anyone do this to me. Ever again. =)

Conclusion: Today was perfect.

source.

Also. If it isn't too late to ask, I want those tights for Christmas.

everywhere girls.

*This post is not meant to offend or stereotype females or anyone, along with any of my blogposts. It is just something I feel inspired to write about today, so read if you choose, just don't judge me for saying what I want to say and having the opinions and frustrations that I have.

Ok. Maybe you don't know the type, or maybe you do. I'll just explain.

Have you ever met one of those girls who is at every party, knows everyone's business, and pretends she's friends with everyone? The girl who doesn't actually ever come out and say something rude about you, but the way she says, "oh.. you changed your hair. do you like it.... .. ya me too!" makes you want to die. Her subtle, conniving ways are so.. evil.. that you'd prefer she just trash talk you instead of being nice in such a fake way? I have met a handful. They pretend to be your friend, but before you know it, they are hanging out with all your friends, and you are sitting at home, writing a blogpost about everywhere girls. (Completely coincidental. I promise.) I call these girls everywhere girls, because you literally hear about them from everyone, and see them everywhere.

Chances are, you are facebook friends with her, and she's written on your wall once or twice a year since you've got facebook, and she has liked approximately 2/3rds of your statuses.

She is easy to spot, especially on facebook. She likes your statuses, along with everyone else's. She probably has a million and a half pictures of herself, and another half a million facebook albums letting you know just how many parties she's been to, and exactly what she does every weekend. She is the girl who makes her life look so fabulous, because she wants everyone to think her life is fabulous. She wants the boys to think she is the greatest girl walking the planet, and she wants the make the girls mad, and I guess she succeeds. Good for her? She literally knows everyone. Chances are she is texting, or sexting, five plus boys at one time, and those five boys are probably the best of friends. I mean, props to her for having SUCH the best social life.. but seriously.. cut it out.

These girls get under my skin. They literally make my blood boil.  For example.. again with facebook. Yes, we all wish people happy birthday that we don't normally talk to, ever. Not a big deal? Perhaps a nice gesture. Now maybe it's just me, but there are some serious lines that these "everywhere" girls just insist on crossing.

Acceptable Birthday Wall-posts for the Typical Female to Male without being in a relationship:

sidenote: The name John is used without association to anyone. Just for the record.

"Hey! Happy birthday!"
"Hope you have a great birthday!"
"Happy birthday John! "

Notice the way it is acceptable to even use an exclamation point to create enthusiasm. That's fine. Use their name too. A slight simple personal touch never hurt anyone.

Unacceptable Birthday Wall-posts for the Typical Female to Male:

"hey johnny boy ;) its been waaaay too long since we've hung out. Want to catch up?  I just love you! xoxoxoxo <3"
"JOHNN!!!!! ;) ;) i hope you get.. everything.. you asked for this year!"
"miss you baby! :) remember last time we hung out? ;) we'll have to do that again soon, won't we ;) happy birthday again.. i'll be seeing you soon..?"
"johnny baby! what you just too busy to fit me into your life these days! i'm sooo insulted. like. call me like. RIGHT NOW!! ;) happy birthday.. love ya forever :)"

Notice how these messages are filled with smiley faces, winks, discreet sexual innuendos, and even pet names. They nearly always bring up a past event, or a time they perhaps spent together. Well, just so everyone knows, "last time" the two of you hung out, was probably because she was dating your best friend and you ended up sitting next to each other in the backseat of a car with six other people. AHH.. SO FUN! Also, notice how she says she loves you. What the heck does that mean anyway? Have you ever had a conversation, EVER, beyond, "Hey! Let's hang out!". And like. Seriously like. She could have called you like. Forever ago. And like. Not announced it to the world. Like. Because she probably only remembered you exist like. Because facebook birthday events reminded her. Like. Really. 

Of course, these wall posts aren't applicable to real life couples.  If you are dating, whatever, go ahead. No one really cares anyway so write away! It's when girls write things like this on the wall of a boy when their only real time together has been spent through a friend of a friend and that facebook chat once a year or the random text when you are both seriously bored. Call me crazy, but that isn't a relationship that is asking for the L word!! Why are you telling boys that you love them and winking at them and smiling at them so much? Seriously. Until facebook, I didn't realize how much colon's and parenthesis could flirt. I personally think that facebook PDA's are hideous, especially when its just a random sort of PDA. Seriously people. Stop it.

The thing is with these unacceptable wall posts, is that sometimes guys don't get just how fake they are. No, she doesn't actually want to hang out. This is just a way for her to let the world see just how close she is with just, so many guys.

SO.

To you, Everywhere girl, who is squirming in your seat because you know that you are guilty of this. Stop it. You don't have to be best friends with everyone. It's impossible, so stop pretending you are. You are fabulous by yourself, so please, please stop messing with these boys heads. There are girls who genuinely love these boys. Stay close to those you genuinely love, and quit tossing around the L word left and right because its making it less meaningful for everyone else.

To you, Completely Oblivious Boys. Watch out for these girls, they lurk at every party, every sporting event, and every everything. They flirt, and they make you think that the two of you are tight. Ask yourself this, when is the last time just the two of you hung out? Ever? Now, how many times has she suggested you hang out without following through with plans? Check your friends phones. I bet there will be a text from her that is nearly identical to the one she sent you just last night.

To you, Girls Who Love A Boy Under The Spell of an Everywhere Girl. Hang in there. It is only a matter of time that your dear sweet friend will see. This girl's evil colors will become discovered, and life will pan out for her in it's own way. Karma has a way of taking care of that. Your boy will see who truly cares about him.

source.

we are.

I'm me 

but you are you.

I can't be anyone else

but either can you.

 I have flaws, and they aren't going to go away

but everyone does.

I make mistakes, often. I say the wrong thing, all the time

but so do you.

I am sensitive, and I am hurt, and sometimes I even feel broken

but so is she.

I think I have broken others

but so has he.

Maybe I love too deeply, or not enough.

Maybe I forgive too often, or not enough.

but maybe it's both.

I guess I'm me

but you're you.

And that's never going to change.

I am the way I am

but you are the way you are.

But together

we are the way we are.

source.

the season is a gift.

Me, I'll be just fine and dandy.

It's like a hard candy Christmas.

I'm barely getting through tomorrow,

but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down.

Hard Candy Christmas - Leigh Nash

♥

.eight.days.

that.

Today 

is such a good day.

I faced that fear.

I visited that old friend.

I mailed that letter.

I applied for that school.

I deposited that money into my savings.

I forgave that person.

I swallowed that pride.

I woke up today just knowing that it was going to be a good day. I.Feel.Great.

I'm buying it.

I'm afraid my life has been taken over by this crazy thing called Monopoly. Not even kidding. The obsession is getting ridiculous.

Today, I played it FOUR times. Once with Dallin and Cody, twice with Dallin, Cody, and Steph, and then once just against Cody when he showed up unexpectedly for a re-match.

Maybe I was a little bit too competitive, but I'm not the only one... ahem. 

No big deal, but I won every time.

and I was seriously THIS happy about it.

You can congratulate me whenever.

=)

Hhaha okay. I won't deny being super happy about my incredible luck today, but I seriously have such mixed feelings. I hate when people don't like me, and I'm pretty sure this game is starting to create some hard feelings. I feel bad! 

I know exactly how it feels when you have to turn over wads of cash to a person who is just smirking because they can see that the game is going to end in their favour. 

It sucks. hahah

Okay wow. I need to stop. It's kind of unbelievable actually, and definitely slightly embarrassing.

Monopoly? hahaha who plays monopoly anymore?

Oh wait. I do.

Seriously. GO PLAY IT. I'm sure it's hiding somewhere in your house or your neighbour's.

i love her.

There is this darling girl in my life that has come and gone for the past three plus years. I mean, not gone in a sense that we fought, or weren't friends. More in the sense that we spent summers together. My three beautiful summers would not have been even CLOSE to what they were without this girl. Then the summers ended, but we just decided to stay close friends even when it wasn't summer, and I'm so happy, because she sure gets me through some hard times. =)

I love her with all of my heart.

photo taken at our apartment in Waterton in the summer of 2008

Remember when we cleaned the loft in search of the mysterious.... scent?

Remember turkey subs x four thousand probably?

Remember not doing anything on the closing list until nine?

Remember going for a bike ride and how I was so jealous of your cutest bike ever?

Remember the weepies?

Remember the video you posted on my facebook wall?.. "he's a boy Jane! His name is Sam, Jane!"

Remember Mr. Noodles eighteen times a day?

Remember popsicles and freezies?

Remember watching movies every single day?

Remember how everyone would go hang out and we could sit on my bed and listen to music?

Remember when we worked like a million shifts in a row together?

Remember distracting the customers so we could add water to their coffee?

Remember when you spelled things in sandwiches?

Remember our incredible pizza bun creation?

Remember cheese and bacon?

Remember when we went to the Stampede and it was the best worst day ever?

Remember our matching boooty shorts with Bailey?

Remember writing notes on the whiteboard to each other when we fought?

Remember filling the fridge together?

Remember when we didn't go hang out with that Alberta Vball team at Heninger's but instead bought popsicles and hung out on the highway by Leavitt?

Remember when you covered your face when you ate because you had braces and it made me giggle?

Remember how I taught you that subs were best with no veggies? hahaha

Remember the fort with the delivery boxes?

Remember Large Gloves?

Remember how we shared bunk beds for two summers?

Remember when I straightened your hair with tweezers?

Remember when cruised for four hours on Halloween?

Remember when we were in Welling and no one believed us?

Remember garden salsa chips?

Remember Vitamin Water. Figi Apple Pear being our favorite?

Remember when we'd have sleepovers on the living room?

Remember when we almost killed Sparky in the middle of the night because she needed to go out?

Wemembo Pwaying chicken wif dat powice man?

Remember how I think you are the funniest?

Remember how we bought matching sweats socks underwear and slippers because our clothes got all wet in Calgary?

Remember way back in the day when we drove to Magrath and discussed that we didn't like it there so much, but then when we drove home we decided it was a good place?

Remember the Haunted Hutterite House right after watching that scary movie at Tyson's?

Remember when you had that horrible adventure and you told me all about it in the back of the laundromat?

Remember our rootbeer guzzling competition?

Remember mac and cheese at midnight?

Remember pizza in the middle of the night with Kate?

Remember when we fell in love with Lenka and Ingrid and Meiko and every other person on my "Chill" playlist?

Remember how we've had matching phones twice?

Remember sitting in bed and talking all hours of the night?

Remember waking up at any hour of the night if there was something bugging us?

Remember watching Pretty Little Liars?

Remember the freaking avatars in My Sister's Keeper?

Remember watching Juno like a million times?

Remember when Gary came?...

Remember how we were scared of each other before we knew each other?

Remember when you busted the sidebar off of the bunkbed for Bianca and I was so impressed?

Remember how much I loved the ringtone on your phone the first summer because it reminded me of Disneyland?

Remember how you were one of like, four people who knew about my first blog?

Remember how you bossed me around, and I just let you because .. well I don't know why.

Remember when I squirted your bum with the water bottle while you were on till?

Remember how you just sometimes wouldn't go to sleep at night when you had to work at seven?

Remember how when we worked mornings together we often didn't make it?

Remember doing entire prep lists at four in the morning?

Remember taking shifts on shift.. and napping upstairs?

Remember between summers how we would just give each other that look in the hallways, but never actually talk?

Remember how you call me Janice?

Remember watching youtube videos on that one computer and then freaking out because we thought we broke it?

Remember when you saw that cougar? With four legs and a bushy tail?

Remember how you randomly text me with excellent questions or information that I love you for telling me?

Remember the song about the American cheese? Well, just about not living in America.

Remember you holding the pans and me making the bread?

Remember when we'd sit on the counter and our legs would swing each others? hahaha

Remember how I stepped on your mirror?

Remember how I broke everything of yours?

Remember how you are in denial with me?

Remember facing some of the same battles at our own time, but still silently together?

Remember how we both just sometimes like sitting there and being sad together, because we both just get it?

Okay. Remember how I feel like I could keep writing this list for another hundred years!

Remember how I fweaking wuv you!

today.

This morning when I woke up, I had a feeling that today wasn't going to be a good day. I contemplated not even getting out of bed all day to avoid whatever monsters were lurking outside the safety of my bedroom. I know that everyone says you choose your own attitude, and that its up to yourself to be happy, but ya, okay really? Sometimes you just have a bad day, and it isn't even your own fault. Things just go wrong.

Today, my monsters were certainly unpleasant.

source: undisclosed

...until I beat Dallin, Jared, and Tyson at Monopoly! The best part of it was that it wasn't the type of monopoly game that you know from the start whose going to win. I had the worst property and no money, not to mention the worst of luck. By the end of the game, I ended up coming back from about four dollars and Marvin Gardens to owning 95% of the board. For three hours, I forgot all that was wrong in my life and all I focused on was that little silver thimble and those beautiful red buildings slowly appearing that may as well have been giant money bags with my name written all over them. I felt so much better. hahahha. But, like all good things, the game was put away and I crawled back into my bed and everything and everyone came flooding back. =(

source undisclosed.

amennn.

next page please.

This chapter sucks. 

It's sure throwing me for a loop.

Why does everyone have to end up being an antagonist?

Who wrote this anyway?

just a little story.

I'm going to over-dramatically tell a little story about a certain simple, but maybe more major event that occurred in my Grade 12 year. Perhaps this sort of thing has happened to others and they simply don't care, but for me, this was epic, and I've been meaning to document it. Sorry if it gets a little bit up close and personal. =)

So a very large portion of my year last year was dedicated to a certain.... "thing" in my life.  Many might believe that it was a waste of my time, or that I should have been more concerned about other things. Maybe they were right, maybe they weren't. All I know is that in September of 2009 my heart was set on only this. I knew I was going to have to work hard. I knew there was the possibility that this wouldn't work out.  I knew I could be facing heartache, humiliation, and disappointment, but that was just a risk I was willing to take.

 Now, hold on a minute. Don't assume to quickly that you know what this "thing" is. Your first instinct is probably wrong.

Things started out rough. I was in unfamiliar territory, and I was let down immediately in September.  I just wasn't doing things right. Instead of letting the disappointment get to me, I just thought long and hard about what I could do to fix my mistakes, and prepare to face further hardships in the future, and of course, to defeat them.

Over the course of the next few months, I focused more and more on this "thing". I lost sleep. I stayed up late into the night battling and stressing. Some mornings, I didn't even get out of bed. I hate to admit it, but I nearly gave up entirely. It was just, too hard.

ask for source.

Slowly, I started figuring out a way to make things work. I started asking for help. Success began to unfold right before my eyes. I suddenly realized I had to achieve this, and I knew I could. I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted in my whole eighteen and a half years of life.

And I've wanted a lot of things.

During the summer of 2010, the thought of achieving this goal never strayed from my mind. Seasons and schedules changed, but the anticipation of finding out whether or not I had in fact made it to my destination literally drove me crazy. Day after day I waited and wondered. One ordinary summer day, the news came in a simple little facebook message. This "thing" I had my heart set on, this "thing" that had taken over my thoughts both day and night for the previous ten plus months, this "thing" was finished. In just one sentence, I knew the results.  "It will be my pleasure to post your picture on the wall." 

photo:

 via Mr. Heninger's Wall of Amazing-All-stars

 via a cell phone

I guess I'll just go to sleep then?

because others will continue to disappoint you: day after day after day.

Okay, so this might be partly my own fault, but I keep ending up in the same place on these stupid Saturday nights and I am a little bit tired of it. I was actually tired of it like six Saturdays ago.

nothing is everything.

source: ask me.

Just a thought here that has sort of been haunting me lately. I've just kind of witnessed this sort of thing silently, and often, and I can't quite seem to get it off my mind. I have certainly been guilty of this in the past as well so I am not making accusations or pointing any fingers. I just think I wish I would have thought about it sooner. 

I think too many people are taking relationships and flings and couples or even just being "a thing" in general too casually. I know these things are supposed to be somewhat casual at certain ages in life, and sometimes just a small fling is the perfect distraction at a point in your life(I agree with this; flings are great sometimes. Just. Be careful when selecting your fling-ee) but I think too many people are just taking advantage of having "anyone".  I'm sure it seems like a good idea and of course, what's the harm? Quick and casual. Perfect? I know I have been in this situation, and I have thought to myself, "Why not?" But, I really know why now. That person. That casual relationship to get your mind off of someone else, that fling to have a super fun couple weeks, or maybe that "thing" to make someone else jealous? Whatever the case, that other person involved doesn't mean anything to you, in the way they mean to someone else. Sure, you care about them. Sure, you enjoy their company. And yes, that person is extremely attractive. But that person is someone else's everything. And how would you feel if your everything was someone else's nothing?

Not so fun when the roles are reversed, is it?