good thing Cody left me his blue sweater so now I can sing this song.

Favorite.

So I know it's Christmas Eve and I should probably post about Christmas, but I want to post the most perfect song that I discovered via Facebook just barely. Because it's perfect today... and because I didn't do a song on Monday.. also because I want to show everyone how amazing it is.

I haven't heard your voice in a while, I miss the sound
I wanna see your face but you're in another place, oh, another town
Why did you have to leave on a trip that would take you away from me?
You're a thousand miles away but I know you hear this melody

I'll play the sweet sound of your voice inside my head
Like a record
And I'll smell the wonderful scent, oh, you captured within
Your blue sweater
I wish everytime you came into my mind I could
Write you a letter
Words can't contain what I feel so for now, I'll just wait 'til
We're together
I'll hold on to your blue sweater, yeah

In my mind, I bring you back here
For as long as I allow
Oh, hurry, I'm starting to worry
I'll forget you now, but I don't know how
So I'll count down the days 'til I see you again
Who knew that it would feel like 200 years 'til then?

So I'll play the sweet sound of your voice inside my head
Like a record
And I'll smell the wonderful scent, oh, you captured within
Your blue sweater
I wish everytime you came into my mind I could
Write you a letter
Words can't contain what I feel so for now, I'll just wait 'til
We're together
I'll hold on to your blue sweater

It's the one that I've forgiven
If you have been to be listening
Take this chance with me 'cause we're living, yeah

I'll play the sweet sound of your voice inside my head
Like a record
And I'll smell the wonderful scent, oh, you captured within
Your blue sweater
I wish everytime you came into my mind I could
Write you a letter
Words can't contain what I feel so for now, I'll just wait 'til
We're together
I'll hold on to your blue sweater

I'll play the sweet sound of your voice inside my head
Like a record, like a record.

Like a record. Like a record.

It's just so perfect isn't it.. =)

let it snow.

I sure feel happy that I am lucky enough to live in a place where I can enjoy a white Christmas.

I am just so happy..

Because Canada is so beautiful in the winter.

Because snow crunches beneath my boots again.

Because I actually have to wear boots.

Because I have to brush my car off in the morning.

Because I can see my breath.

Because I have to wear my ear muffs.

Because my cheeks get pink when I walk outside.

Because snow makes the night silent.

Because my fireplace is so cozy.

Because snowflakes catch on my eyelashes and it looks pretty in pictures.

Because I have to wear long sleeved shirts to bed.

Because I have to wear slippers around my house.

Because it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

source.

overdue...

Holy crap. 

I miss Cody.

A lot.

Here are some reasons why I miss my bestie.

Because he came with me to Vegas.

Because he is so much fun.

 Because he loves me even when I'm ugly.

 Because of his aviators. =)

Because he takes pictures with me on photobooth.

Lots of pictures. 

 Because he took me to a flames game when I smelled like Subway.

 Because he also loves the happiest place on earth.

 Because of the early morning visits. Because of how much he loved to lift me up. Because of how he made Carson take a video of this before he left.

 Because he likes to act cool when in reality he was trying really hard not to smile.

 Because he came to visit me at BYU after a week because he missed me already.

Because we visited temple square together and the whole time he tried to hold my hand but I wouldn't let him for some silly reason.

 Because my family loves him and because he loves my family.

Because this is hiding in the Waterton Apt. Oopsie. =)

 

 Because he has been gone for so long but he still loves me a whole lot.

 Because he looks real good as a missionary.

fam jam

I can't believe I've been home for practically ten whole days. Where does the time go? Oh wait. It goes extremely fast when you sleep 18/24 hours in a day. Just kidding, not quite that much. Good news. The swelling increased.. then decreased.

 Now that I can open my mouth approximately wide enough for one and a half fingers by day four, I think I am done with photos. Plus I think the swelling is going down. 

Yay me. Anyway. Now thats over..

Just a small thought.

I went to the high school basketball game tonight. It was the final, and they won. Yay. Go Cougars.

However, more than the game, I found myself watching the crowd. The students. The cheerleaders. As Karlee and I wandered into the gathering area I loved seeing the posters on the walls, the event calendar, the everything. I couldn't help but feel a tiny pang of nostalgia hiding deep in my heart.

I kinda miss high school, ya know?

I wouldn't go back, but I do miss the simplicity of life at that time.

I always had a boyfriend to kiss me goodnight.

I always had a bestie by my side.

I always had somewhere to be or a party to go to.

Serious. That was the life.

But then I remember how much has changed for me since high school.

 If I was still in high school, I'd be missing out.
You see, back then..

I didn't get along with my parents as well

(I had a curfew. Bleh.)

I didn't know where my life was headed.

I didn't have as strong of testimony of the gospel.

I didn't know how to study for a test. (haha seriously though)

I didn't know what love felt like.

I suppose graduating and moving on with life has been most definitely beneficial. 

 I've found I just love being home. Not necessarily doing anything but just being here. I've had some lovely times with some wonderful friends. Karlee has been a saint, as I have mentioned before.. running around for me and even sitting in my bed while I sleep. Love her. Also, I even spent an evening with my roomie Bailey . We must actually like each other and not just live together. It was nice to catch up for sure. Going from spending 24 hours a day with someone to zero is quite a jump.

 But my favorite times have been spent with my familyies. =) 

They have been the happiest to see me you know. 

And I am the happiest to see them.

I am happy they are all doing well. 

I love them. All of them.

And I am happy to be able to see them all again for another three ish weeks.

And then again after that, forever.

post wisdom.

Well. I'm officially 4x less wise. It wasn't as terrible as I expected. I have heard so many horror stories about puffing up like a chipmunk or passing out or being all out of it after, ya know? Nope. I mean. The whole thing is kind of creepy more than anything. Listening to them cauterize your flesh... remove some bone... slice your tooth.. hear the Sharpeys Fibres breaking.. and knowing that your deformed third molar is sliding right out of the alveolar bone?

Creepy. 

I know I was out of it because of the laughing gas, but the entire time I just wanted to watch. Lucky work experience kid who got to watch the whole event. I came home and watched some videos on youtube. I suppose it will have to suffice.

I guess hygiene school will do that to ya. Getting all curious. Feeling all smart.

Anyway.

Yeah. It's creepier than anything. I thought the worst part was getting a second set of X-rays that set off my gag reflexes.. severely.. I won't go into details. Now that I am home and the delight of nitrous oxide has worn off, I do feel slightly crappy.  Not swollen though.. okay maybe a bit haha but not too bad.

I was also lucky enough to have my bestie Karlee take care of me. She picked me up and took me to get my drugs and got me ice packs and layed in bed alllll day and watched movies and made sure I took my T3s at the right time. What a saint.

Truth is, I'm kind of bored. It's hard not to be able to talk as much as I want. My brain feels fine and I'm not tired or anything. Mostly I just wanna go play... until I sneeze. Then I want to chop my head off.

Overall, it was a good day.

I like life ya know? I am feeling good. Positive. 

Which is good because for a while there things were a little clouded.

I guess they say a feeling of doubt and insecurity means something isn't right.

Well. Things are right again I think. Because I feel calm for the first time in quite a few days.

Sometimes I forget how simple life is if you let it be.

Excuse my ramblings.

Here's a little visual of post wisdom teeth extraction.

I couldn't smile any more.

Bob Marley solving world issues.

K but really. If he would live by this...

and she would live by this...

 So many more people would be happy.

Come on people. Be honest. 

Life's too short to play games.

moody music monday

Okay. I just woke up in a horribly grumpy mood today. I contemplated not getting out of bed. It happens okay? My bed was just cozy and my room was so dark. Anyway. I decided not to be depressed. I realized it was Monday and I love music monday. So, I decided to search through my itunes to find songs I forgot about. I found one. :) I actually found a lot. I may even post them for Tuesday Tunes or Whiny Wednesday or Thinking Thursday or Feel good Friday or Singing Saturday. We'll see. It's crazy how music can make me feel better. 

christmas gifts.

Today while I was waiting for church to start, I found my mind wandering. It has been doing that a lot. What am I saying. It always does that. Anyway, I started getting all caught up in my self pity and confusion and troubles in life, but then I glanced down to the church bulletin resting on my lap. This little gift was printed right in front of me. It made me smile, and I want to share.

Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
~Oren Arnold

Then I started thinking about new things. My fussing and pity seemed to sink to the back of my mind as I thought about these letters placed together on the page sending such a lovely message.
It's Christmas.

+

So.

To my enemy. Forgiveness.
 I can't exactly think of one particular person. But I do know that there are people that I have struggled to get along with in the past. People who have hurt me or done something that I don't agree with. I'm afraid I have a few grudges that I believe really should just disappear. I am going to do my best to find forgiveness. I know its possible if I stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past.

To my opponent. Tolerance.
To be honest, I don't have any particular opponents right now. Opposition? Yes. There is opposition in all things. So, dear opposition. Come as you may. I will tolerate you, because you exist. I will continue to exhibit a good attitude and do my best not to let the opposition to get the best of me.

To my friend. My heart.
My dear friends. Here is my heart. My heart is honest. My heart is full. It is forgiving. It is healing and growing. Here friend, my heart is yours. Take it. :)

To a customer.  Service.
I am not in any situation where I will be helping customers as I am currently unemployed, but I certainly do not mind giving service. There are opportunities to serve everywhere, inside and outside of the home. I don't mind helping, but I sometimes find myself serving unwillingly. I am going to make a constant effort to serve with a happy heart. It helps. Serving is always rewarding.

And to everyone. Charity.
What is charity? We are often asked this question. Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is loving someone as Christ would. This is a challenge, because I am far from perfect, but keeping the constant remembrance of the Savior and how he would treat others.

To every child. A good example.
Oh my, I have been developing such a deep love for children the past little while. Being in the primary has brought me such joy. They have so much joy and always help me to feel the spirit. I remember when I was little and looking up to the older kids who were in high school or going to college and thinking they were so old. I remember watching them and wishing I was them. I feel so young now, but I believe its the same. The children still watch. Setting a good example for children is more valuable than often realized. I wouldn't be who I am today without the example set by my older siblings and some of my friends older siblings.

To myself. Respect.
I am deserving of respect. I deserve to be treated as a Daughter of God. I don't deserve to be looked down upon or mocked. Unfortunately, life isn't that simple. I will not always be treated with respect. But I can respect myself enough to remember that I am a Daughter of God, and remember not to let the opinions of others affect the self image I have of myself.

new leaf.

I've written three different posts and just saved them into my drafts in the past few days. All I can come up with to share is that I'm still a little girl and I have no idea what I want in life. I can hardly pick out my clothes anymore. I used to be a great decision maker .. I think.. but now I am a decision avoider. Probably due to the fact that I keep making bad decisions. I'm a different person than I was a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, and even a day ago. Every day small events take place that are constantly shaping who I am and who I am becoming. Every day I change a little bit more and more. I think it's a good thing. For starters, I don't like people knowing things about my personal life. I used to broadcast so much it's embarrassing. I ask myself why I did that. Sometimes I forget people even read this thing.  Forgive me.. and I'm starting fresh. I'd start a new blog but thats lame and embarrassing. So, instead, I'm asking you to let me start over and don't judge me due to things I've said in the past.

Let me introduce myself.

I'm Jane. I'm turning twenty this month and that scares me. I am currently taking a fast track Dental Hygiene program in South Texas. Do I want to spend my life being a Dental Hygienist? No, not really. But maybe? I have no clue. Of course, I'll finish my program. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. I'll work, make some money, but I think after that, maybe I will move to Ecuador and save lives. Or maybe I will be a gypsy. Maybe I will take piano lessons again, or singing lessons. Maybe I will serve a mission. Maybe I will go back to University and become a teacher too. Maybe I will get married and have six kids. Maybe I won't though. Maybe I will become a journalist. Truth is, I have no idea where my life is headed. All I know is that I am Jane, and I give my whole heart to the things I love. I get sad when others are sad, and happy when others are happy. I enjoy honesty and all that it has to offer. Best policy for sure. Also, all I want is to be happy forever.

source.

sidenote. Remember this song? I love it. It's been a while.

blog overload.

Prepare yourself for an overload of thoughts and pictures that have been hiding deep in the corner of my computer. It's been a while. Almost four months since I have sat on this very spot in my bed contemplating life and all it has to offer. But here I am. I am back.

Something about being home makes me want to blog about so many things. I feel like the blog was on the back burner while I was in Texas. Life is different there. I feel different there. I am a different person there. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.. including the blog. I didn't know what to write. I just kind of made up a buncha stuff to fill space and appease people. Now that I am home.. I find myself itching to write about everything and everyone. I am definitely the most myself at home.

Being back here is making me face all my problems. I kind of like being able to hide from things and not deal with them. Life is easier that way.

I tried dealing with some problems. The problems I left hiding in my closet when I moved away. It's overwhelming. I forgot how many things I just shoved in my closet last minute. I really should try to clean it out, but I can't. Not yet. I'm not quite ready to grow up 100%.

Speaking of life being easy. Life is easy when you do what people expect you to. You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to justify anything. You don't have to come up with excuses. You can kind of just, slide through life unnoticed. Which is horribly wonderful.

People keep telling me to be selfish for once in my life and go for what I want. Thing is, I already am selfish and I already have. Thing is, I need to be selfless instead. Whenever I am selfish, selflessness gets shoved back in my face. It's fine really, just sometimes I wish selfishness could win without catching up with me.

Today I ran into Mr. Heninger.. my English 30 teacher. I confessed about my 70% paper. He made me feel better. He inspired hope in me again. The situation made me realize that the paper I wrote for hygiene school was a joke and the instructor isn't even a certified teacher yet. She is a lovely person, of course, but she teaches Prevention. Prevention is a class about floss and toothpaste. It reminded me that people who know what they are talking about when it comes to writing seem to think I have a talent. I think I will still try to write a book someday. What a soul-saver.

I ran into so many people that I know. I love being home. I love knowing people and I love having people know me. I love walking down the street and recognizing people. It makes me feel real.

I haven't kissed a boy for ten months. I know this is just a small thing to be thinking about but ten months is a long time okay. And I like kissing. There. I said it. I'm human.

Do you sometimes wonder about the things people don't say to you? The things people are thinking or the things they want to say but can't? I do. What if you are thinking the exact same things. What if that long lost friend is just as sad as you are that your friendship ended at age twelve. What if you really think her shirt looks terrible on her but just can't tell her. What if what if what if. What if two people are just, living the same thoughts, but won't share them? It's a tragedy, really.

Lady Antebellum's album "We Own the Night" is incredible. Every single song. And not just because I saw them live. They are an amazing band. My favorite songs of theirs right now are definitely Somewhere Love Remains, and Dancin' Away With My Heart. They are both just truly adorable songs. The kind of song that I overly anticipate the chorus. The kind of song that hits my soul deeply because its such a real song. Wow I'm such an emotional person it's almost embarrassing. Oh well.

I miss Sarah Jo already. She is a keeper.

I always have these expectations of how things are going to be. Graduating. Birthdays. College. Getting off a flight.  All of these things just continue to be so anticlimactic. Sure, grad was super fun. I had a pretty dress and my hair worked out well. My date drove a nice truck and he thought looked better than he did at his own grad. And he did. But then grad just came and went and then it was over. Maybe some peoples birthdays are great, but mine are lame. Maybe it's because its right after Christmas or something, but my birthday always ends up being lame. College. Sure. College is a blast. But lets be real, it's not how it looks in the movies. Its full of homework and homesickness and eating ichiban and saving pennies. It's hard. And it's exhausting. At least for me it is. Walking off a flight. Man it'd be so fun to walk off a flight to a loved one with a bouquet of flowers. It would be wonderful to jump into their arms and hug them and have tears join together in the joy of a happy reunion. Nope. That doesn't happen. I'm not being negative or anything but I can't help it. Life is dull sometimes. I hope I am not the only one. I'm tired of it. I want a grand gesture. I want something that changes my life. I want something fabulously magical to happen.

Okay that was slightly negative and almost came across suicidal? I love life, really. Sometimes I relish in the greyness of life. It sure makes you appreciate the color when it finally happens.

Last Sunday in primary, I was playing some hymns quietly before it began and Jennifer, 5, came and sat on the piano bench next to me like she does every week. She began to sing along softly, melting my heart. She looked at my hands and said to me, "I always wanted to play the piano.." She then proceeded to watch my hands and move hers up and down the piano as I did. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a teacher. Crap. I guess I will be having ten kids instead.

ron and leslie.

Out of the thousands and thousands of times I have walked through the front door of my house, I have never been as happy as I was today as my dad was rushing down the stairs to greet me into a ginormous hug. I cried. And then I saw my mom waiting at the top of the stairs so I ran and hugged her and we both cried again. Freak. I just love them. There is nothing like the open arms of parents. I love my family so much. I've been so blessed.  I am lucky enough to have my parents be two of my very best friends.

note to self. start taking more photos with the rents so I don't have to pull out the old grad photos. 

seven zero.

So I like to write. Surprised?

And I feel like I'm actually okay at it. It's just been my thing, ya know? I like doing it. I don't care if people like what I have to say, it is just something I like doing. It's therapeutic. Plus people tell me I'm good at it and that I should write a book and stuff. We'll see. But yeah. Everyone has their thing. There are the athletes and the musicians and the actors and actresses and the computer genius's and the artists and the chefs and the everything. I'm the writer. I like to write. I always liked to write. Then people started telling me that I was good at it. I started seeing good grades on my papers and essays. Then better grades. Then I started working really hard and getting perfect grades. People started asking me to edit stuff for them. Once I edited a magazine article. A real published magazine. People started asking my opinion on their own writing. People asked for more of what I had to say. Yeah, there have always been people who maybe don't like how I write. That's fine.. but usually I can just get past it. I even got 100% on my English 30-1 diploma essays.  Confidence booster, I tell ya. Perhaps I was overly-boosted?

Well. I've been humbled. 

I officially failed my first paper. 

I got it back without thinking much about it and the I noticed the big fat 

70% 

on the top. (anything lower than a 78% in my program is a fail). And to top it off... the paper was basically about brushing your teeth. Really? I can write a perfect paper on some weird topic like compromising your own happiness for the benefit of others and relating it to a twisted depressing novel.. but I can't whip something up about brushing teeth?

I'll take a C on a test. I'd be upset, yes, but I would be okay. I would move fast it. Laugh it off perhaps and strive to do better next time?

Not this.

My pride has been destroyed.

Annihilated.

I wanna go home.

I wanna go back to English-30 where I am appreciated.

Apparently I'm not cut out for this program.

source.

dreamer.

Well. I have finished four out of my nine finals for the semester. I have five more in the next three days. I should have spent the weekend studying. Right now I should be stressed out or reviewing notes or maybe even getting ready for bed. I should be cramming. I should be making flash cards or frantically searching for answers...... but for some reason.. 

all I can think about right now is how wonderful life would be if I were... 

a gypsy. 

How truly fabulous. Travelling the world from place to place. Dancing in the streets. Running away from everything. I would for sure run away to Europe. The streets of London are calling my name I believe. And then to Spain. And Ireland. I have always wanted to see Whales. Scotland. Ahhhh so much freedom? Seriously. Imagine that.

or a professional ballerina.

Imagine the calloused feet and aching joints. Or the incredibly toned muscles and the inner and outer strength that would be achieved. Imagine the blood, sweat, and tears. Imagine the complete gratification of being able to be apart of moving art and inspiring amateur dancers such as myself to become great. Ahhh how wonderfully fulfilling.

or a writer. 

Hiding deep in the streets of Manhattan. 

Perhaps aching to be published in the copious columns of big time NY magazines. 

Or maybe just striving to become that delicious book discovered in the corner of an antique store, seventy five years from now. Or maybe just living off of that thrill of knowing that someone likes what you have to say.

Perhaps in another lifetime.

photo sources.

rant rant rant

I've kinda been called a pushover my whole life. I didn't ever believe it until I realized I was.. ya know? But the thing is, I'm not so much a pushover in the sense that I don't stand up for myself. When it comes down to it, I will stick up for myself. I have no problem voicing my opinion when it matters. And to be honest, I sometimes think there is a possibility that I'm a confident person these days. (My teenage years must be coming to an end or something?) Anyway. I am pretty sure the reason people think I'm a pushover is because I hate conflict. If someone asks me to do something for them (within reason), I'd rather just do it than create unnecessary tension by not doing it.. So I guess I kinda let people boss me around sometimes. (Which is interesting considering how bossy I can be..?) Maybe it's not necessarily a good thing.. but it's just who I am. I would rather others have it their way than for them to be mad because it is my way. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess I just hate when people don't like me. That's probably not necessarily always a good thing either.  And there is a little part of me that wishes sometimes I would care a little bit more and have a stronger opinion about the trivial things, but then there is this bigger overpowering part of me that insists I do whatever it takes to make sure everyone else is happy to prevent any sort of tension from thickening in the room. Whatever. I have just been doing some thinking is all.  No summary. No solution.

source.

Oh PS. I get to go home in a week. AH.