under my skin.

I really try hard to love everyone, but sometimes there are people who just have the ability to get under my skin in a way I simply can't describe. I tell myself that these people are lovely, and that I'm sure they are great, because you know what? They probably are. They are loved, they have their talents, they are special, and they are who they are, and I can't judge that. But sometimes you just have to trust your instincts about people. Sometimes if you don't trust someone, theres a good possibility that there is a reason why you don't trust them. 

I wish it wasn't so, but there are many people like this that seem to be entering my life in the sneakiest of ways. There is one, in particular, who... well, I am doing my best to love. This person has been in and out of my life in the past little while. This person appeared ever so slowly, and somehow found a way to get under my skin in the worst possible of ways.  I'm sure it was unintentional. I'm sure this person has NO idea what they have done in my life. I have accepted it, moved past it, and tried again to love this character. Now, again, I am in the same situation. I am trying so unbelievably hard to be accepting, but I cannot deny that I am upset. Here this person is again, under my skin, even more than before. I'm sure it is unintentional, but this person seems to have a goal to take everything that is important to me, and I can't do anything about it. I know it is important to love everyone, and I believe in that principle of life. I know I shouldn't judge without getting to know a person, but I can't make myself like someone. I feel awful that I have such bitter feelings towards this person, but don't judge me. I am honestly doing my best.  I am going to use a lovely quote from one of my dear friends, Spring. This is something she said in a blog post in October of 2009: 

"You see sometimes people are not who we think they are. At times people come into our lives in unexpected ways. Sometimes the unexpected ones are the ones that end up taking us by storm and changing our lives. For the better at times, other times for the worse. People become fixtures in our life, and we learn to rely on them. We learn to be there for them. Friendship, genuine caring. People become a part of who we are. There have been times in my life when my friends have known me better than I have known myself. People are so amazing. We become protective of the ones we hold most dear. I have done it, and so has everyone else. This is where the other people come in. The people that hurt the ones that are "ours"."

I like to believe that my bitter feelings come from deep feelings sprouted from the desire to protect those people and friends that I care about so deeply.. these people that I have come so close to and come to love.. these people that I have been through so much with, and these people that I have given so much of myself to, these people I would sacrifice anything for... these people that I know better than I know myself. I know I can't blame anyone but myself, but I do feel as though because of one particular person, my life changed 100%. I just don't think I could handle that happening again, but I'm afraid it is going to. I use to be one to trust others so easily, but for some reason I now have the hardest time trusting others. When people that I don't trust get close to these people that I like to claim as my best friends, I'm afraid it brings out the worst in me. I hope every day that I can trust my friends, and love these people who get under my skin, but today? Here is the worst of me.. and I am not okay.

please, please, please.. someone make this all go away.

Little Letters

Okay, so Little Miss Michelle did a post just like this a ways back, and since SO much has been going on, this is really all I can come up with.. so thank you Michelle for being inspired by.. Taza?

dear silk pillow case:
thank you for being so shiny, but i would appreciate it if you would stop sliding off my bed while i sleep.

dear cap'n crunch:
thank you for being so happy to live right underneath my bed, and thank you for staying crunchy, even in milk.


dear 8:30 church:
maybe consider not coming so fast? but thank you for giving me the entire day to relax.

dear new cell phone:
why are you so complicated?

dear room mate Tessa:
thank you for being okay when i leave my sunday shoes in the middle of the floor, and thanks for leaving yours there too. i feel so much more at home with you :)

dear fhe group:
hahahahahahah. thank you for sharing this special day with me, and thank you for being so discreet and for all being able to read each other's minds..

dear BYU campus:
you are huge.. in case you didn't know? please please help me find my way to my classes tomorrow.

dear roland:
im really starting to love you. please don't die from consumption of too many watermelon seeds?

dear subway girls:
you're almost finished! just a few more weekends. don't give up! and have a lovely day at school tomorrow! i miss you most dearly!.. OH. and Elder C. Heninger told me to say hello from him to all of you, and sends his love. :)

dear just one perfect summer day:
i guess you didn't happen. i hoped you would, just once.. but thats okay. maybe another time.

dear best friend:
don't kiss that one person. you'll regret it..
oh. and i miss you.

dear sweet kind blonde girl whom i finally met:
you are lovely, and i hope we can be just the greatest of friends now and i hope hope hope you know that i think very highly of you, no matter what everyone else says.

dear sizzle d:
i miss you more than you know. and maybe eat one of everything today, just for me.

dear mail:
please travel fast..

dear BYU:
stop blocking michelle's blog. it is a good thing, i promise. there is no need to hide it from everyone.

dear tifuls:
watching chick flicks and eating space pops isn't the same without you here by my side.

dear all roomates:
thank you for not being crazy? :)

goodbye vs.. none.

Goodness. I know I am not leaving forever but it sure feels that way. When I come back, this place will have changed, the people I remember here will be gone, and I will be a different person. Change scares me more than I'd like to admit. Just as I finally seemed to have adjusted to the last big change in life, an even bigger one decides to sneak up on me. I have spent the last few days saying goodbye to everything. Old clothes, old books, my bed, my friends, my room mates, and my family. I've never actually had to say goodbye before. Sure, all of my siblings have moved away from home and I have said goodbye to them, but it seems different. With family, you are guaranteed Christmas' together every year, unless, I suppose, one of your siblings marries someone from far away.. even then, there is still every other Christmas! My point is, goodbyes suck. It is the oddest thing. Surreal for sure. We all know somewhat how they go. They'll be nostalgic, maybe some thank you's. Everything negative is forgotten of course. Perhaps there will be a hug and some tears... but at what point does this end? You know its coming, you sense it.. but during the moment.. when do you actually allow the goodbye to take place? Before you realize it, it's over..

I experienced another sort of goodbye today. A goodbye I've anticipated over and over again for the past, well, for as long as I can remember. You know what the strange part is? It never even happened. Fault? It's no one's fault. Mistakes here, mistakes there. I suppose I suspected it would turn out this way. Hmm... now that I think about it, I realize that it went that way for a lot of very important people in my life. The other day, I ran into a family member of one of my best friends. I asked, "how is so and so?" reply: "oh she flew out this morning." Oops. Missed that goodbye. Another dear friend sent me a message apologizing for not saying goodbye. Missed that one too. What is this? Is life so busy that we can't find time to bid farewell to those who have mattered so much in our lives? I love both of those girls to death, but they have began their new lives, as I will begin to do so very soon as well. I feel awful about missing so many goodbyes, but then I realize.. how many more goodbyes have I missed? Would it have been possible to say goodbye to everyone? I suppose all I can do is hope that these people know I love them, and that with or without a personal goodbye, they really have made a difference in my life.

simply a hoarder??

DON'T JUDGE ME.

Okay.. so I'm sure everyone has heard of this show.  If not.. here is a little description..

Each 60-minute episode of Hoarders is a fascinating look inside the lives of two different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis.


I've watched it and every single time I think to myself, these people are crazy. Today, as I continued the epic journey of packing up my room, I realized maybe I'm crazy too. This is super embarrassing.. but here is a list of some of the ridiculous things I found that I simply haven't been able to part with.. some are quite obvious as to why I kept them, but some not so much. Maybe you'll read some and know exactly why I kept them..

a letter from "Great Fetcher"

a mini metal horse shoe

picture from the day at lions park with the plastic baseball and bat..

a "Janeen Appreciation Day" poster

a card from a gift I received at grad

pictures from... the canal

1001 ways to be romantic

To Kill a Mockingbird

a heart necklace. x3

a yellow box with mini jewelry box inside

a note that I found under a rock under the stairs under the balcony

dance medals

track ribbons

a red tootsie roll sucker wrapper.. x2304923 (just kidding)

a silver bracelet with waves on it

lindor chocolate label

a red phone

a toy phone

a krzr

my pink quilt.. (which is actually my second baby blanket because my mom finally threw away my first one because it had to be carrying some sort of strange disease..)

trident tropical twist

a few pieces of mint mojito gum

a dried yellow rose

aviators

my poetry book from grade eight

a giant teddy bear

another giant blue teddy bear

another teddy bear named Lucy

words of the day

my English glossary

Jane's perfect evening, by Spring

one tequila.. two tequila... etc...

underwater kissing pictures

a little note stating that I have sexy toenails..

my grad corsage

Okay. I have to stop. You get the picture? Yes. I save everything!! Okay, so maybe I'm not on the verge of a personal crisis, but this packing business has been a way bigger deal then I anticipated. My wonderful mother has been helping me pack.. and helping me throw away useless junk for hours the past couple days. She just sits there and laughs. I haven't realized how ridiculously sentimental I am. I think I always had a bit of an idea.. but this has been very eye opening. Please don't report me to Hoarders, as the situation is now completely under control.

Instead of freaking out about why the heck I save this kind of stuff, I realized I truly am just nostalgic. Sentimental. I honestly enjoy the tiny little things that were able to bring a smile to my face. You know what? They still make me smile. As long as I can occasionally dejunk like I have been, I think I can stray from a personal crisis. :)

it's strange to think.

This is a different sort of post. Normally, I don't like when posts are just a bunch of pictures with no explanation, but this is all I can come up with today. It probably won't make sense to you, unless you are brilliant at putting things together.

I'm leaving in three days. That's all I guess.

jus sayin.

Oh dear. I just started realizing just how soon I am actually leaving this place.. I am going to miss everything and everyone, and I am sure I will be posting more about this whole moving away situation; however, this is about why I am going to miss one particular friend.

I don't think I could ever list all of the reasons why I am going to miss you. I'll just touch on a few of the little reasons...

because we made a bucket list

because you are scared of heights

because your shoes have to match your shirt

because I have your orange hollister shirt, your blue hollister shirt, and your black superhero shirt and have no intentions of returning them, and you are okay with that

because you taught me how to smile again

because of your parks uniform

because you gave me a perfect summer

because you helped me learn how to forgive

because even though I hurt you, you were always there for me

because I now honk at people who ride their bikes on the highway

because of the innumerable occasions where I was so overwhelmed and upset that I could no longer hold back tears, and you just let me cry

because you steal away the rain, just like that

because you would drive an hour any time of day just to hang out for such a short amount of time

because as cliche as it is.. you walked in when the rest of my world walked out.. honestly

because you know all of my secrets

because you have been the best friend I ever could have asked for

because of your integrity

because you can read my mind

because of your testimony

because you are going to make the best missionary ever

because you do crazy things like bungee jump off bridges and hit the bottom and sprain your wrist..

because you almost drown me in a lake full of seaweed and fish

because you made a teleport device 

because you are so selfless

because you make the right decisions when it really counts

because I think you secretly like Charlie

because you can swallow your pride when you need to

because I've heard your real laugh

because you forgive me when I do something wrong, which is a daily occurrence

because you don't care what people think, even though I tell you that you care too much. You have certainly proved me wrong on that one

because you let me pick the movie, every time

because you have put up with everything..

I'm sorry I couldn't have been better for you, and I'm sorry I'm not perfect. Thank you for being such a good example to me in all things. Thank you for reminding me to read my scriptures and say my prayers. Thank you for reminding me that I deserve the best. I hope you know I'll never forget you.

I'll miss you more than you even know, but I'm glad I was lucky enough to be called your best friend for as long as I was. I wouldn't trade our friendship for the world. :)

However hard it is to say goodbye, it was worth it.

frereshakkaa...

Somedays, I just need Little Miss Michelle.

freeereshakkaaa :(

the mail.

One of the greatest joys of my life is receiving mail. No, not bills or bank statements. But mail. Real mail complete with smudged pen, loose leaf paper, and scribbled handwriting.. addressed right to Janeen Dittmann. Since how I didn't have a car of my own through high school, the deal with my parents was simple: if I picked up the mail regularly, I had access to the car. If I forgot to get the mail, I didn't get to drive the car. Sure, there were other rules, but this is the one I am focusing on right now. I would like to say it became habit, but it didn't. I always forgot. Randomly, a few days ago, I was about to head out of town with a friend for the evening and I asked if we could stop and get the mail first.. odd. We stopped at the post office. There were five items in our box, and much to my surprise, three of them were addressed directly to moi! Not only was I just crazy excited to actually get mail, but each of the letters seemed to almost.. represent something in my life.

Exhibit A. TD Canada Trust. So this wasn't my regular monthly bank statement, or even a new bank card. This was a letter that told me that my very first Visa was ready to be picked up at the bank. What the heck! When did I turn the age where I needed to establish my credit rating? I believe it was just a week or two ago that I was in Mr. Wolsey's CALM class filling out hundreds of worksheets on banking and credit and all of that stuff. I guess by now its almost been three years.. It seemed so far off, but here I am, with a credit card in my wallet. When did I get here? Thanks TD Canada Trust, for freaking me right out!

Exhibit B. Westwind School Division. Well. This summer has just been full of surprises. Not only was I notified that my picture will in fact be appearing on the wall of my English classroom for the rest of its existence.. which has been my goal from the first day of class... and not only was I told that one of my essays was going to be published in an anthology of youth writers.. but to top it off, Westwind School Division invited me to a luncheon.... because I received the highest mark on the English diploma in the whole division! Yeah, I will admit I'm a competitive person. But honestly.. this has nothing to do with anyone else. I am just so completely happy with the small successes I've had lately. :) Thank you Westwind School Division for boosting my confidence even MORE! Just kidding. 

You don't know.

I saw this picture and sentence quite a while ago, and immediately decided I would probably need it someday. Sometimes I browse through my pictures and stop when I come to this one. I have debated using it many times, but I can't ever quite settle with this one. Today, it is perfect.

"Things are not always as they seem" - Phaedrus

"Never judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes." - English proverb

You know how it goes; we hear these quotes all the time. Do we understand them? Do we live by them? Truth is.. we honestly can't judge anyone. We can't judge a situation. Sure, maybe we think we understand. Even if we see someone do something crazy, and even if we think we know why they did it.. we don't. We can't think we do, because hiding deep inside of each name is a story. Maybe it is something that happened a week ago. Maybe a month ago, or even a year ago. Maybe it is a thousand things that have happened over the course of a year.  Maybe we've heard what happened. So and so said this, or so and so saw this. Maybe we even saw something obvious, but misunderstood.

You know what? No one has lived my life, except for me. No one has experienced the little things, the little pains and the little heartbreaks that I have suffered. No one completely understands the little things that make me happy, or the little things that make me cry. No one understands how many times I have cried myself to sleep because of pure devastation, or cried tears of joy because of the witnessing of a complete miracle. No one knows the cutting comments that have torn open my heart, and no one knows the simple promises of forever that I have received. No one knows how hard I have tried to stay strong, and to be tough. Maybe I haven't even tried either. No one knows except me. No one knows the tiny incidents. No one has read my saved texts, or listened to my saved voicemails. No one knows if I even have saved texts or voicemails for that matter. No one knows the promises I've made, or the promises I have broken. No one has experienced love just like I have, and no one has experienced heartbreak just like I have. Everyone lives life differently, has their own perspective, and everyone experiences things differently. Sure, we are all people and we all experience similar emotions, but every individual is different, and everyone has secrets, and everyone has trials. Perhaps you think I do things for certain reasons. Perhaps you think I am dramatic because of jealousy, or crying because of immaturity. Perhaps you think that the sweet little girl whom I know nothing about has got under my skin. You know what? She hasn't. She is lovely, and I hope she knows that. Perhaps you think I do things to get a response, or so people will talk. You have this all wrong, so please don't assume anymore. The reason I do things go far beyond anyone's understanding. Unless you are me, you don't know. I am not perfect, but I am simply Jane and you don't know my story.. 

and I am okay with that.