ten thoughts.

1. I'm feeling rather disconnected from myself. It is probably a result of really not knowing what I want to do with my life, and just how drastically life has changed over the course of the past year. It's not a big deal really, just sort of one of those pondering sort of days. Because I'm sort of in an "all over the place" state of mind, I don't think I will really be able to post about one thing. I guess I'll just give everyone a glimpse into the mind of Jane just after noon on the eighth of November, two thousand ten. 


2.There was a heat wave when I was in California, and this morning back here at home, it snowed. Yes, big fluffy cold flakes of winter decided to fall from the sky. I asked myself, why do I live here? Then I remember it is so I can go on trips to places with heat waves, and because I love Canada and couldn't live anywhere else.


3. Being back in Utah, even though it was for such a short amount of time, really made me miss it. Seeing my room mates was harder than I expected. Just knowing that there are five incredible girls that I only got to know for such a short amount of time makes me sad. It also makes me realize that there are so many people in the world. I wonder who the next fabulous person is going to be that comes into my life. Being on campus made me miss learning. Even though I might just spend the next year working, I miss writing. I miss the heavy text books and the feeling of finishing a paper. I have to wonder how different I would be if I had spent the last few months at BYU instead of in and out of the doctors office and hospitals and well, sleeping. I guess everything happens for a reason, and even though being back in Southern Alberta at this particular time in life has been extremely difficult for numerous reasons, I guess someday I will know just why I had to be here this fall.  Now that I think of it, perhaps I knew the reason all along.


4. It is another week of goodbyes. I feel like I have been saying goodbye much more than I have been saying hello these days. Again, this makes me want to meet some new people. Perhaps some people that I won't have to say goodbye to. A goodbye took place that I truly thought wasn't going to happen. I was overcome with mixed feelings. Longing, nostalgia, loss, happiness, and accomplishment. It was an odd sensation, but I suppose I am happy it happened. It truly is time to start a new book in life and finish this epilogue that has been dragging on for the past five hundred days that couldn't seem to quite conclude itself. I guess all it took was goodbye. 


5. I am at a point in life where I have to make some major decisions. There is a part of me—probably the majority—that simply wants to pack a small suitcase, grab a few pencils and a notebook, empty my savings and move away. It would be fabulous to not even know where I am going to end up. I know it wouldn't be responsible, but the thought of having no one know exactly where I am is thrilling. Perhaps I'd end up in New York. I would love to start a new life. I could finally just meet new people, people that don't have any preconceived ideas of who I am or who has been involved in my life or who I'm trying to become. I could create a new name for myself, and one day the people from my past would simply come across a magazine with a published article written by me. Then they would remember who I was, and remember how I disappeared. Perhaps it would even be a book; the pages would be filled with explanations of where I went, the people I've met, and the experiences I've had that led me to simply disappear. Maybe some day, but I think for now I will just stay here until I know how to cook better. I will stick to the plan that I have, and see where I end up.


6. I miss Kate, Karlee, and Michelle. I miss them so much. I always wonder what they are up to, and how their classes are. I can't wait to see them. 


7. My oldest sister Sher has been so great to me lately. I don't know if I've ever explained just how much I appreciate her. Even in such the simplest of ways, she has been a better friend to me than anyone. I absolutely love her.


8. I spend a lot of time at the Elementary School here. I simply show up in my mom's grade four classroom whenever I feel like it. Those little kids are quickly becoming my own and I absolutely love every single one of them. Even the ones who smell a little bit and wear the same clothes every day. They are all simply darling and I have an entire new respect for teachers. I have always appreciated my teachers and respected them, my own two parents being teachers, but I guess just looking back on grade school really makes me miss the relationships that existed and the friendships developed. The teachers truly can become friends. I don't think I'll ever drive past the high school without wanting to peek inside and maybe see if Mr. Janisko is wearing his white..... bio hat... and has a yellow can of beans on his desk, or if Mr. Heninger is giving a thoughtful speech that no one can even pretend to not be inspired by. I bet Mrs. Schow is still sitting in her chair in the office and ignoring every student that comes in until they feel so awkward that they either just leave or finally say "umm.. hi?" As much as I am relieved to be out of high school, of course I miss it. There isn't anything quite like it. And to be honest, I miss the teachers more than the majority of the students.


9. I love missionaries. I so respect them for sacrificing two years of their lives to our father in heaven. Leaving behind family, friends, and education would be so hard I can't even imagine, not to mention the struggles that some of these boys go through to get to a place where they are willing to dedicate their lives to missionary work. I am so grateful to have friends that are continuously setting such a great example to me by working so hard to become missionaries. They certainly will be blessed.


10.Well, my hands are cold from typing so I suppose it is time to call it quits. I certainly hope everyone has a fabulous day, and to those who are reading my blog for maybe the last time ever, thank you for being apart of my life and best of luck to you in the future. Perhaps some day we will cross paths again, and if we do, I certainly hope it is a happy time and we can both just smile over the ridiculous messes and arguments we couldn't ever seem to get ourselves out of. It is done now, and life is going to be simply lovely.

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