what do ya know.

Okay. It's time to come clean. This is my blog. I can write what I want, and this is what I want to write. No judgements, yeah?

My whole life, I've stood on one side of an argument that has been brought up many times. I don't know if it was just my positive attitude, or possibly negative attitude, or if I was simply naive. I never wavered, and lived my life around the notion that this part of me wouldn't change. I never frowned upon people who had opinions different than my own, because it was just that, an opinion. I truly don't believe there is a right or wrong answer when it comes to an issue such as this because every situation truly is different, but I always stood firmly in my position. Here I am, nineteen years, one month and eleven days old.. and I feel like the hugest hypocrite. Something I never thought would happen to me, a situation I lived my life to avoid, a place I never thought I would be and feelings I never thought I would have.. well. Hi. It's nice to meet all of you?
Okay, so that was a little bit dramatic, and no it isn't that extreme. You see, I have stayed firm in my beliefs regarding the circumstances, and that probably won't ever change.. but yes, I was that girl that said goodbye to a missionary. Her missionary.

I have never been opposed to girls "waiting" for missionaries, or dating before a guy left. I understand why people do, and why people don't. For me individually, I always just figured I wouldn't be in that situation. I never wanted to be that girl that sent off a missionary. I have known girls to wait, and to have everything work out, happily ever after. I have seen girls stick through the two years only to find out that when her missionary comes home, it just isn't right. I have seen girls promise things to guys and then turn around a few months later and forget anything they had ever said. I never wanted to put a guy in that situation either, where he would have to wonder whether or not I would be around when he got home. I am a believer in the fact that, what's meant to be will work itself out, if you work for it of course and if you do what's right. All I knew, is that I didn't want to be placed in this situation. I never imagined myself to be the girl who shed tears at a farewell, or the girl who woke up during the night from six different dreams all similar in the sense that they were goodbye dreams, or that girl who checked the mailbox over and over again. I didn't want to be that girl. I'm no good at goodbyes, and I never wanted to have to say goodbye without knowing whether or not goodbye was forever, or just for a couple years. But somehow, here I am.

I dated Cody about a year ago. We dated for a few months, and both decided it wasn't right at the time for a number of reasons I won't get into, but one main reason being, he needed to focus on serving a mission.. also I didn't want to be that girl. (To anyone who reads my blog and isn't a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, look here to find out more about my religion and missionaries.) We broke up in April, and honestly, remained friends. It was tough at first. No matter what, break-ups are hard. I certainly made my share of mistakes, and he did the same, but we still stayed in contact. A few months later, we were best friends. And that was great. I had the perfect summer. Things were always a little bit complicated for the two of us. I did previously date his best friend, and sure, judge all you want, but things just happened that way, alright? We had some rough times but we certainly had our share of fabulous memories together. Time passed and we became very close. No, we weren't "dating".. but we were about as close as you can get in every other way. Honest and truly the best of friends. To make a long story short, Cody got his mission call, and due to the difficulty of getting Visas to the States, he didn't end up leaving in August like originally planned. He spent his fall preparing in many ways to sacrifice two years of his life in the service of our Father in heaven. The longer he was here, the more ready he was to leave, and also, the closer we got. I truly began to rely on him daily. We knew eventually a goodbye would come, so we did our best to distance ourselves and try to not get overly attached. The closer it got to the end though, the harder it was to not be around each other.


Confession: the longest we have even gone without seeing each other since we dated last January is eleven days. Yep. I went to Vancouver this summer on a trip with my choir, and that was the longest. Eleven days isn't very long. haha... so wish me luck.

Anyway. So his Visa finally came, and the day arrived to say goodbye. I have received the question thousands of times, "Are you going to wait for him?" And seriously, I don't mind people asking. Naturally, people are curious. The answer to that question, just so everyone knows, I don't know. We are both aware that people can change drastically in a few years. And yes, I do love him. How could I not? I had a conversation with his cousin Serena (she is in grade six) last night that went something like this:


Serena: So do you still like Cody?
Janeen: haha, of course. Cody is my best friend.
Serena: So are you going to still like him even though he's gone? Are you going to wait for him?
Serena: Sorry about the incomfortable questions.
Janeen: Haha, it's fine. You can ask me anything you'd like. I didn't promise Cody I 'd wait for him, because he needs to focus more on being a good missionary rather than whether or not I am dating someone.. but if I'm still around when he gets home, I'm sure we'll go on a date.
Serena: Yeah.. that's so cool! You're my hero!

When she asked me, my first thought was, how the heck do I explain something like this to someone who is what.. twelve? Then I realized, there is only one way to explain, because there is only one answer. So I said goodbye last night before he got set apart. I cried as I drove home. I kept one of his shirts. I wrote him a goodbye letter, and gave him a goodbye hug. I cry when people ask me how I am, and I cry when people don't. I don't like being this girl, but I am. I guess that is just life though. It is never what you expect.

I do know that Cody is going to be such a great missionary. His decision to serve a mission has impacted so many people in such a great way, and I am so proud of his choices and the sacrifices he has made to get to this point. I love him, and I love his immediate and extended family. His little brother Carson feels like my little brother these days, and I feel somewhat protective of him.. so really.. He deserves more than shallow flirting so any of you girls who have bad intentions with him... cut it out. jjus kidding. Anyway. I am somewhat embarrassed to be this girl, and more than anything, I am so so excited for Cody and the things he is going to get to experience the next couple years. So for everyone who is wondering, there you have it. Yes, I love Cody Clay and I'm not afraid to admit that. Yes, he is my best friend. No, I didn't promise I would wait for him.. but I am going to live my life in such a way that I will end up with the person I am supposed to end up with, regardless of who that is.. and I certainly, am not going to settle for less than the best.. and so far, Cody is the best.

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