I got sunshine on a cloudy day.

Guess what friends? 

My sister and brother in-law are taking me to the sunshine state. Just try and guess how happy I am about it?

+

You're wrong. 

I'm happier, by at least 150%.

Florida is my favorite place to visit. It is called the sunshine state for a reason you know. 

Here are some facts about Florida and myself:

: We met when I was fourteen

: I have been there every year since, minus when I was fifteen.

: One time my friend and I walked down Atlantic Ave at Daytona beach with a 2lb bag of jolly ranchers.

: I will most definitely run through the Epcot Center like a mad woman if it means being able to make the fireworks at the Magic Kingdom

: Dole Whips = True Love

: Lulu Lemon Outlet <3

: One time I got on a "cruise ship" in Florida. Ha. 

: Our GPS is not a fan of the exits off the freeway in Orlando

: My eyes well up with tears during the fireworks at the Magic Kingdom

: If anyone tries to tell me that a vacation in Hawaii or Mexico is better, I get defensive.. very defensive

: The reason this is the best place to go on vacation is because it has the perfect beach/amusement park/shopping ratio. 

: One time I was in Florida with just my parents

: Yes.. my senior year during spring break I left all of my friends and my boyfriend and went to Florida for a week with just my parents. Talk about serious dedication.

: When I was with my parents, I woke up every day at ten, and sat in the sun until about three or four pm, usually all by myself. Best week ever.

: Not much in the world makes me happier than the feeling of the suffocating humidity when stepping off the plane.
: I know my way around the Orlando airport better than the average person. I could probably repeat the announcement about liquids and gels back to you word for word.

: I have suffered from terrible heat stroke due to my excessive sunbathing.. but for some reason, return right back to my chair the morning after throwing up all night.

: I will admit, Space Mountain and Pirates are both better in Anaheim, but the Orlando castle OWNS the rest of the Disneyland castles around the world.

: Clearwater Beach is beautiful
: The smell of mould in the Orlando airport doesn't even gross me out.

: I have never been to the Siesta Keys, but this is the year. =)

: Harry.Potter.World. nuff said.

: Duelling Dragons from Universal's Islands of Adventure is the best roller coaster ever created, followed closely by the Expedition Everest from the Animal Kingdom.

: Palm trees 

: The Daytona 500 track is so legit. Go see it. Right now.

Enough of this post. I could write an entire book on Florida.

52 days my friends. That is all.

I like it this way.

Today. I watched a high school basketball game: my second one since graduating from high school. I reflected a little bit back on high school... This is all I could come up with.

Life becomes so superficial in high school. I have been out of high school for eight months. A year if you don't count my second semester of high school because I only had school in the mornings.. and only every other day. I can honestly say, I don't miss it...

Somehow, all the things that used to seem so huge.. ended up being so small. 

(just like everyone who has previously graduated said they would)

The car you drive.

The jeans.

The sports teams.

The grades.

The flats.

The wall of fame.

The election week.

The dances.

The headbands.

The decorations.

The grad date.

The football jackets.

The cardigans.

The perfect dress.

The perfect college.

The assemblies.

The attempts to get everyone to participate.

The lack of school spirit.

The lockers.

The latest music.

The.. who heard it first.

The.. who wore it first.

The.. who saw it first.

The.. who dated it first.

The chi curls.

The backcombing.

The lazy days in sweats.

The hoping no one noticed how greasy your hair was.

The having the best spares.

The jocks. 

The cheerleaders.

The suck ups.

The people who hated the suck ups.

The theater people.

The people who sat alone by choice.

The people who sat alone.. not by choice. ( :( )

The saying goodbye as everyone parted that summer post-grad.

The harmless pranks.

The not-so-harmless pranks.

The cliques.

The making sure everyone knew just how fun your weekend was.

The gross lunches.

The amazing pizza.

The fact that there was only {supposed to be} diet pop.

The not studying for tests.

The cruising.

The parties.

The fear of diplomas.

The buying snacks for seminary.

The blocking of facebook in the computer lab.

The.. who did this to my car?

The post-game parties.

The grad party.

The who knows the coolest boys.

The realization that you are never going to need to know how do Logs in life.

The disagreements in social.

The Friday night plans.

The town hopping.

The winning of banners.

The cutest couples.

We heard it a million times, and I have known it forever, but somehow, looking back, it is just different. It is something that everyone just has to figure out for themselves. You can't tell the sixteen year old girl that it really just doesn't matter who she dated or whether or not she was a cheerleader or if she played volleyball or how she did her make up or who her best friends were and what they did the second weekend of March last year... because to a sixteen year old girl, all of that DOES matter. There is no point in trying to tell anyone this until they have experienced life after high school. I think it is just part of the brain development.. You can't tell people just how unnecessary it all is if their brain isn't ready to accept that. 

Everyone. Just enjoy high school, k?

One day, you'll see.

Here I am, only eight months later. My life changed 150% after high school... and again 150% more as I got sick and had to come home from college... I am still living in this little town.. working so I can leave. It is surprising to see how the same things happen, the same gossip continues, and how people even try to suck me into it. It's crazy. What is most important to me now? Nothing on that list above. All that stuff was the center of my life or the life of those I was surrounded by for so long. 

Now? The center of my life..

Well. All those things that seemed so lame, and so small, ended up being so huge.

It is making appointments and doing taxes. 

It is applying for scholarships and seeing specialists.  

It is trying to figure out how to organize bank statements and trying to save money. 

It is learning to love vegetables and coming home at 10:30 on a Friday night just because I want to.

 It is taking vitamins because I want to, not because my mom wants me to. 

It is deep cleaning, and studying my scriptures.

 It is planning for the future. 

It is making dinner and sewing quilts. 

It is {usually} being responsible. 

It is working. 

It is forgetting I have a cell phone.

It is reading the newspaper.

It is volunteering at the elementary school because I would rather be there than sleeping.

It is paying for a high school transcript.

It is emailing back and forth with the head of the Dental Hygiene department. 

It is keeping accurate records and talking to my sister on the phone. 

It is having five hour conversations with my parents about politics and current events.

It is realizing how much I love children's literature.

 It is scrubbing my bathroom and keeping up on the laundry.

It is being alone, and just thinking.

I like it this way.

ask for source.

For everyone to see.

If you hate when people write blog posts about missing people or sappy crap about feelings, you have been warned and you can close this window now because this post will contain all of the above.

Today. Something about today. Something about the pile of letters waiting in my mailbox yesterday, alongside the picture to pin on my wall, combined with the emails, all added to the family photos loaded on facebook. Today? I miss Cody more than I ever have. I am just one huge ball of emotions. It's pathetic, really.. but I'm not ashamed.

I miss his freckles. 

I miss how grumpy he is after a nap. 

I miss how he is obsessed with his hair gel. 

I miss his warmth. 

I miss his laugh. 

I miss him tickling me so incessantly I wanted to kill him. 

I miss how we would fight too much. 

I miss telling him how to spell chief and receive and believe and all the other ei/ie words every single time he had to write them.

 I miss how one second we would be mad and then two seconds later it would turn into a pillow fight.

 I miss how he folds his towels a certain way. 

I miss how every time he said goodbye he would give me a tug with an extra tight squeeze at the end. 

I miss how he sometimes thought he sounded like a dinosaur. 

I miss laying on the floor with him behind the computer desk while Carson downloaded music. 

I miss him whistling out of tune all the time.

 I miss brushing our teeth together. 

I miss feeding chickens and scrubbing eggs. 

I miss jumping on his bed. 

I miss how he got photogenic and photographic mixed up all the time. 

I miss his hand tapping on mine after I would stop giving him a hand massage letting me know he wasn't ready for me to stop.  

I miss piling in bed with Carson to watch a movie. 

I miss how much he showed off while he was driving even though it made me mad at the time.

 I miss his freakishly nice handwriting and his ability to keep ridiculously organized. 

I miss how hard it is for him to get comfortable. 

I miss his messy hair after a nap.

 I miss texting 24/7 and more.

 I miss him peeking out the windows of his garage to wave when I left his house. 

I miss how he would always try to scare me when I came over to see him. 

I miss how he would just randomly start dancing with me when he gave me a hug.

 I miss having someone to call any time of day or someone to do nothing with.

 I miss his aviators and the black jacket he wore every day. 

I miss his obsession with shoes and how he bought a new pair almost every time he went to the mall.

 I miss how he always had to have a pepsi.

 I miss him stealing my five cent candy.

 I miss his obsession with the courthouse and how he was so excited when I had to pay my ticket because he could tell me everything he knew.

I miss his inability to make decisions. 

I miss his family. 

I miss his house and his car.

 I miss Kip.. and how he said "Kippy" in a freaky weird voice. 

I miss the smell of his laundry detergent.

 I miss watching him change the oil in a car and how he loved that he could impress me that way.

I miss the posters that he had in his room.

 I miss how he tapped on my windows.

 I miss our scale of 1-12, not 10. 

I miss curling up to him on the couch and how he would automatically just put his arm around me. 

I miss his smile when he did something I told him not to do. 

Most of all.. I miss how much he loves me. 

More than anyone else.

There you have it. I wear my heart on my sleeve.. for everyone to see.

ask for source.

It's hard to live up to something that isn't real, isn't it?

Lately I have had a lot of thoughts on the issue of the self-image girls have of themselves. Then I read a couple blog posts and it inspired me to write something of my own. First of all.. you should read the posts that inspired me to write this post. THIS, and THIS. It is seriously all so true...

 source.

Do you believe that once upon a time I dated a boy who told me he preferred blondes to brunettes...? It's true. This same boy later told me that he had a weight category for his future wife. 107lbs - 114lbs. The worst part is I didn't even realize at the time just how cruel that was for him to say. Does he plan on his wife giving him children??... Seriously. It makes me cringe. It is truly disgusting.. and I am so happy I am no longer involved with that boy even the slightest, and I am sorry for whatever girl thinks that she has to live her entire life falling into his "weight category". Another boy I dated even earlier in life continuously teased me because about my "squishy" stomach. He said he loved that it was squishy, and I honestly think he truly believed he was making me more confident by telling me that he liked my flaws, but a girl hearing that she is "squishy" isn't exactly endearing.....?

I just want to quickly point out that I am not blaming boys for being the cause of eating disorders or poor self-esteem. It has been scientifically proven that girls with eating disorders don't logically understand the concept of food and calories even if it is explained to them a million times. They truly have a distorted image of themselves. It is a disease. It can't be cured with a few positive comments of how beautiful they are; however, boys can certainly influence for the better or the worse. I find that never talking about the size of a girl in general is the best way to avoid that. Even if you are talking about a different girl, or a random person in passing... the girls you are with will hear. She will analyze, and she will compare.. Am I right girls?

Lucky for me, I have been strong thus far in life,  and I haven't given in to the media and magazines and believed what is portrayed as a "perfect" body... but I have certainly been close. How could I not? Everyone girl in the world has seen a picture of Megan Fox and witnessed how the guys literally drool over her. And yes boys, hearing how beautiful the air-brushed movie stars are affects us. That gives us something to compare ourselves to, and do you know how hard it is to compare yourself to a photoshopped/airbrushed photo? Yes, media does this to males as well. Try it sometime... Go into Abercrombie and Fitch and compare your body to the models you see on the walls. It's hard to live up to something that isn't real, isn't it.

Of course this sort of thing affects me. Yes.. I have gone through phases where my scale is my best friend. I have been involved in some severe calorie counting, and certainly had my share of negative thoughts about my body. I have had close friends who have struggled with eating disorders and self-confidence issues when it comes to their weight or body shape. I have had at least three close friends personally confide in me about an eating disorder, and I know there are even more. This isn't just something that is heard on TV or read about in books. These issues are honestly right under your nose.

I guess I just want to tell everyone how I have come to peace with myself. First of all, I have been active my entire life. Exercise is truly so important. Not just to be strong, or to have a perfect body, or because everyone else exercises, but because it keeps your body going. It revitalizes you. It strengthens you. It makes you feel good about yourself. I will admit, I struggle with this whole exercising business. Doesn't curling up on the couch with a box of Lindors and The Notebook sound so much more appealing than running on a treadmill?.... Sure, when I was little I ran around 90% of the day, and through Junior High and High School I was either dancing or playing sports. I have found that now I am not exercising as much, I have seen my body change. I do need to make a conscious effort to exercise more and here it is in writing.. I am going to be better from now on.

I have come awfully close to hating my body. It truly isn't how it used to be. Yes, I am only 19 and I'm sure when I am 45 and have six kids I will read this and laugh, but honestly it has changed. I just can't fit into size zero pants folks. Even if I was just skin and bone, it wouldn't work. I have hips. I have a soft stomach that you can even squeeze. It is just the way I am. That's how girls are made.

What has helped me be at peace with my body, is the fact that it is a gift from God. My body was given to me to maintain. It was given to me so at the appropriate time, I can be the home for a developing child. God has trusted me to be able to bear His children, and I think I owe it to Him to at least love myself. Being strong and healthy is just one way I can make sure I am capable of being able to have children someday. I truly can't imagine being so selfish today and starving my body of essential vitamins and minerals just to be skinny. I am not saying this so insult girls with this issue. Trust me. I am just saying that with myself, that has been the thing that has helped me accept who I am and love myself. Girls, can you please just imagine someday, having to look your husband in the eye, and tell him you aren't able to have children and knowing exactly why? Can you imagine thinking back to the day you sat kneeling in front of the toilet and purging the food that you had consumed? Can you think back to the aching teeth and trembling hands and the self-hating as you convinced yourself you could maintain your body without food? The results are truly this dramatic. The thought of my body being constantly prepared to give birth to a child someday is truly the one thing that helps me love myself. What a privilege it will be to one day be able to have a beautiful child of my own. I know that by eating what I am supposed to, and by exercising and keeping myself strong and healthy, I am showing God that I am grateful for his gift to me.

For those girls, and boys, out there who are struggling.. you really can get help. Ask someone you trust or someone who loves you. I promise there is someone who will support you.
Your body is a gift. Please remember that. =)

ask for source.

no longer strangers

Is it strange to feel that I feel somewhat connected to people who are complete strangers?

I love me a good blog friend. 

 I have never actually met any of these girls, but they have all occasionally commented on my blog and changed my life from day to day. They don't really know me personally, but through their blogs and my own, they have encouraged me and comforted me often. Their words are always inspiring.

 Josabet has been an avid follower for quite some time. She leaves me the most thoughtful comments and always seems to understand just what I am trying to say. I feel the same way when I read her blog. I genuinely feel upset when I find out she is having a bad day. Call me crazy, but it happens. She wrote the greatest post yesterday called A Better Me. It was truly inspiring. This is a little part of it..


"Sometimes the solutions to what seem to be the biggest problems, are lying there in our hands.. It's just a matter of if you choose to do something with them."


I was actually very inspired by this. She is so right. Solutions are right there, always. Thought I'd share what she had to say. Thanks, Josabet.


 Becky grew up close to the same town as me, but we never met. She posted this a while back. It honestly touched me that particular day, and I was so grateful she posted it. This sort of thing is so often a bigger deal than so many people realize, and I am so happy she posted this. I hope every girl, (and boy?) takes a look at it, and feels beautiful like I did.

I have just recently come in contact with Lindsey, but I have already felt uplifted as I have briefly scanned through her posts and. Without ever speaking to her or knowing her, I was intrigued by what she had to say. I wonder about the challenges she has possibly faced, and how she has over come them with such a positive outlook. I really don't know anything about her, other then the fact that she has faith, Faith in a better tomorrow, faith in love, and faith in people, and I like that.

There have been many other people that I have come into contact via blogging, but these three have stood out lately. Sometimes something you have to say is just exactly the thing that someone else needs to hear.
I think I'll keep this up.

eleven.

As previously mentioned, I have become this incredibly lame, lame girl. At first I wasn't proud of it, but now I have no shame. 

I had a not-so-good day. Straight up. No.. nothing went horribly wrong.. it was just a hard day. 

Why?

Perhaps because I have reached the day eleven mark, and yes, eleven days is the longest I have gone without seeing Cody for over a year. I guess that number is just going to keep increasing from now on. It's kind of a big deal to me okay?

Worthy of a blog post for sure.

So I decided to do something to make myself feel better. I discovered I have a talent...

ask for source.

I officially make a pretty mean care package. Just saying. You should probably all be jealous of the moment Cody gets the mail next week. 

I feel better.

just a few things.

First.. 

Can I just take one second here to mention that I miss Cody.

That's all though. I will write why in a few days maybe.

Also, a little shoutout to www.dearelder.com

Best thing in the world. Try it if you haven't yet.

Second.

Michelle? Karlee? 

You fail. You want to know why? Kate decided she missed me, so she packed her bags, and found a ride home to see me this weekend. Not even just the weekend. She got here Wednesday night. I think that tells a lot about her dedication to our friendship, compared to the two of you. I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but the two of you maybe need to take a good look at our friendship and decide just how important it is to you.. okay?

Jus kidding. =)

But I would like to thank Peter Remington and Steph French for getting married, not only because they are a darling couple, but also, because it brought home one of my best friends for a few days.

I love you Kate!

Love.

"Liiiightbulb?!"

Okay Steph, what movie? =)

Okay but really. I have had an eye opening day.

Valentine's Day isn't all about couples. No but really! It doesn't have to be about whether or not you are single or in a relationship. It doesn't matter if you are married or engaged or heartbroken or chasing someone or in a rut or waiting for someone or simply have no interest in anyone at all. It doesn't have to be chocolate and flowers and kisses. Sure, that's all great, but I learned something this Valentine's Day. It is simply about celebrating love. That's all. 

That is exactly what my day was about. Celebrating love. Love for family and friends, family of friends, and friends of family.

Who doesn't have any sort of love in their life?

I certainly hope everyone has a little bit of love coming from somewhere.

Apparently I have love coming from everywhere.

I am honestly speechless. I know I wrote a whole post on how great people are, but it has just hit me again. I am so grateful to have such amazing people be apart of my life. I have never felt so geniunely loved and cared for as I did this Valentine's Day. Thank you, everyone, who took time out of their day to share kind words with me. I love you all. 

Guest-ish post?

Okay. Because of the fact that tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am quite certain nothing fabulous will happen, I am going to post what I posted last year about Valentine's day. I had a blog last year that was not available for all public to see. I still have all my old posts, and I just went to read what I wrote. It brought a smile to my face...

Tuesday February 16, 2010

V-Day

Valentines Day. These two words have often brought so much dread to the deepest part of my stomach. Let's just say my entire life, this has been a much awaited holiday with a complete let down each year. (Actually that is a big of an exaggeration. Last year wasn't entirely terrible, but it was spent with a boy that, well, we just never clicked.) I have learned to be fine with this sort of Valentine's Day. Really I've become accustomed to kinda forgetting it exists. I have kind of come to the point where I see February 14th on a calendar and perhaps just cover it in white-out. It has always been bad luck. This year, I planned on driving the entire day home from a lovely little trip with some friends, and then perhaps clean my room and go to sleep. Needless to say,  everything lately in the life of Jane has been going significantly differently. Life, which is usually plain has turned into.. special. My life, which had become so unfortunately predictable.., is.. well.. unpredictable. Everything fell into place on Valentine's Day!!.. Things that shouldn't have fallen into place.. and set me up for such a perfect night! First off, I received the most darling perfect gift ever... big smile! Anyone who has read my recent posts will know that I has fallen in love with the color yellow! .. and perhaps the boy who has introduced me to it? Much to my surprise.. for even having a valentine in the first place,.. and receiving a gift on Valentines day.. it was the perfect gift accompanied by the perfect night! (haha :) ) I received the most beautiful yellow rose ever. Yellow. It was perfect! And of course nothing beats a box of Lindor chocolates.. mmmmm... how completely satisfying. What a perfect boy that has come into my life an brought such a smile to my face. He is much too good to me... I hope someday  I can actually be that good to him. I am trying though.  The timing was incredible and terrible. ANYWAY...  I hope everyone gets to have a perfect Valentine's Day some day! I know my friends call Valentine's Day.. "Single Awareness Day". I've often agreed. No.. it really isn't. I suppose it could be, but its a choice. Valentine's Day is just..... yes, a very commercialized holiday.. but invented to remind everyone to .. remember to be happy... because its just that important!

 Well. I like to think my writing has improved since then.. but that is besides the point. I think I had a good point. Even if now I want to kick myself for saying everyone needs to just remember to be happy on Valentine's Day.. I guess it was sort of good to hear. Plus I am still lucky enough to be apart of that particular boy's life.. and that alone is enough to keep a smile on my face. I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day, with or without a Valentine. 

I'm so lame but I don't even care.

Okay. Just remember. No one made you read this. I am just in that sort of mood when I am going to type just exactly what is on my mind... k?

source.

So it was my first weekend without Cody. This might not seem like a big deal, and I'm sure people honestly don't care.. but this is MY blog, and it was a big deal to ME. Yes, there has been weekends where Cody and I haven't hung out. Maybe about five weekends in the past year. I'm not kidding either. A few people asked me what I was going to do, and to be honest, I was really trying not to think about it. The night ended up being pretty fun, nothing too out of the ordinary. Anyway, then I remembered, the night before Cody left, he text me and let me know that he had some stuff he left behind for me, and I was supposed to ask Carson about it. So I go over to their house for my things. At this point, I really have no idea what it could be. I spent every single day at Cody's house the past two weeks before he left and certainly made claim on a lot of the things he didn't want and proceeded to take them all home last Sunday. I have a hoodie, a couple shirts, and a bunch of other stuff that meant anything to us. Guess what Cody left for me? Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen!

Alright.. so we can all ignore the awful picture. Nope, I'm not a photographer and I don't intend on becoming one.

This is Cody's book shelf. 

It is the book shelf that I have coveted for the past year. 

It is the book shelf that I have used as a comparison for every book shelf I have looked at in the past year.

It is the book shelf that followed Cody when he went to college last year, and when he moved back home.

It is the book shelf that Cody made with his own two hands.

This book shelf, is now mine.

Many people might not appreciate a book shelf, but for me, this is honestly the sweetest most darlingest most thoughtfulest bestest gift I have ever received in my whole entire life, without question. 

Why? 

Because I love books. Because I love reading. Because I love owning books. Because I will write a book that will someday sit on that book shelf. Because I own so many books that are all hiding in my closet. Because I've wanted a book shelf for years to display my books and I ask every year for Christmas and my birthday and it never comes. Because I have never thought about just buying one for myself? Because I appreciate the fact that Cody built this book shelf. Because I am lame and nostalgic and girlish like that.

I couldn't wait twenty minutes until I was home, so I stopped at the end of their road and put my car in park. There was a lot of other stuff that Cody put together in a box. A compilation of things that people probably don't want to hear about. Many of these things I didn't even know he had, but they brought tears to my eyes. No words necessary, I just know exactly why he gave me all of the things that he did. Anyway. I cried the whole way home. Heavy, wet, mascara-ie, tears of pure happiness. Judge me all you want. I'm okay with being lame.

It's like the song we used to sing every day.

Even when you're gone, somehow you come along just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack, and just like that, you steal away the rain, and just like that.. you make me smile.

I have the best best friend, in the universe, ever. 

Thank you, Cody. =)

Don't disappoint me.

I miss: 

my best friends. All of them.

Kate. Karlee. Michelle.

I know you are all having a blast at BYU.. but it's time to come home, okay? I'll be expecting you shortly. Don't disappoint me, please and thank you.

Cody. 

It is strange to not hang out with you every day? .. but.... it's not really time to come home.. so I'm not expecting you shortly.. so you can't really disappoint me. I guess you are off the hook.

But as for the rest of you girls..? Not so much..

photo by Trisha

People are so great.

Today was an interesting day. I know girls are always labelled as moody and unable to figure out how they feel and such, and I won't deny that I have been that way in my life, often....... but something is different this time. Seriously. I feel so strange. I have never been more sad/empty in my life, but at the same time, I have honestly never felt happier. Basically I am just sort of frozen between emotions.

I'm not sure about everyone else, but right before I cry, my nose tingles and burns. Is that weird? I have heard that some people get a lump in their throat, or some people get a slight chest pain, but my whole life, my nose gets a tingling/burning sensation as my eyes fill with tears. Maybe everyone does? I really don't know. Anyway..... Let me just tell you. That little tingling/burning sensation hiding inside my nose? It seriously sneaks up on me about every fifteen minutes. It is the strangest thing. I am literally on the verge of tears at all times. Happy tears or sad tears? Heck if I know.

Anyway. On to what I really wanted to post about today.

People are so fabulous. Honestly, today is one of those days that I literally am in awe over how genuinely kind people can be. I received a facebook message from Chelan today telling me a few things that lifted my spirits immensely. I don't know why she randomly thought to send it to me, but it was honestly exactly what I needed at that exact moment. I am certain she was inspired. Naturally, it brought me to tears. I'm not sure if they were happy, or sad.. I'm thinking a mixture of both... but I appreciated the couple minutes she took out of her day to send me such a sweet message. Thanks Chelan. =)

There is that burning nose feeling again. Goodness I am such a girl.

There has been a number of other people who have been absolutely incredible to me today. I don't think they even realize it, but these small gestures have meant the world to me. A smile in a hallway, a hug in passing, and then a return for another hug when it was realized that I wasn't quite okay, advice on my future, help on my school application, an email reminding me that I am loved from miles away, a few words of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, an offer to hangout if I'm lonely, and even something as simple as a look of kindness. People are so great.

Enough said.

source.

what do ya know.

Okay. It's time to come clean. This is my blog. I can write what I want, and this is what I want to write. No judgements, yeah?

My whole life, I've stood on one side of an argument that has been brought up many times. I don't know if it was just my positive attitude, or possibly negative attitude, or if I was simply naive. I never wavered, and lived my life around the notion that this part of me wouldn't change. I never frowned upon people who had opinions different than my own, because it was just that, an opinion. I truly don't believe there is a right or wrong answer when it comes to an issue such as this because every situation truly is different, but I always stood firmly in my position. Here I am, nineteen years, one month and eleven days old.. and I feel like the hugest hypocrite. Something I never thought would happen to me, a situation I lived my life to avoid, a place I never thought I would be and feelings I never thought I would have.. well. Hi. It's nice to meet all of you?
Okay, so that was a little bit dramatic, and no it isn't that extreme. You see, I have stayed firm in my beliefs regarding the circumstances, and that probably won't ever change.. but yes, I was that girl that said goodbye to a missionary. Her missionary.

I have never been opposed to girls "waiting" for missionaries, or dating before a guy left. I understand why people do, and why people don't. For me individually, I always just figured I wouldn't be in that situation. I never wanted to be that girl that sent off a missionary. I have known girls to wait, and to have everything work out, happily ever after. I have seen girls stick through the two years only to find out that when her missionary comes home, it just isn't right. I have seen girls promise things to guys and then turn around a few months later and forget anything they had ever said. I never wanted to put a guy in that situation either, where he would have to wonder whether or not I would be around when he got home. I am a believer in the fact that, what's meant to be will work itself out, if you work for it of course and if you do what's right. All I knew, is that I didn't want to be placed in this situation. I never imagined myself to be the girl who shed tears at a farewell, or the girl who woke up during the night from six different dreams all similar in the sense that they were goodbye dreams, or that girl who checked the mailbox over and over again. I didn't want to be that girl. I'm no good at goodbyes, and I never wanted to have to say goodbye without knowing whether or not goodbye was forever, or just for a couple years. But somehow, here I am.

I dated Cody about a year ago. We dated for a few months, and both decided it wasn't right at the time for a number of reasons I won't get into, but one main reason being, he needed to focus on serving a mission.. also I didn't want to be that girl. (To anyone who reads my blog and isn't a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, look here to find out more about my religion and missionaries.) We broke up in April, and honestly, remained friends. It was tough at first. No matter what, break-ups are hard. I certainly made my share of mistakes, and he did the same, but we still stayed in contact. A few months later, we were best friends. And that was great. I had the perfect summer. Things were always a little bit complicated for the two of us. I did previously date his best friend, and sure, judge all you want, but things just happened that way, alright? We had some rough times but we certainly had our share of fabulous memories together. Time passed and we became very close. No, we weren't "dating".. but we were about as close as you can get in every other way. Honest and truly the best of friends. To make a long story short, Cody got his mission call, and due to the difficulty of getting Visas to the States, he didn't end up leaving in August like originally planned. He spent his fall preparing in many ways to sacrifice two years of his life in the service of our Father in heaven. The longer he was here, the more ready he was to leave, and also, the closer we got. I truly began to rely on him daily. We knew eventually a goodbye would come, so we did our best to distance ourselves and try to not get overly attached. The closer it got to the end though, the harder it was to not be around each other.


Confession: the longest we have even gone without seeing each other since we dated last January is eleven days. Yep. I went to Vancouver this summer on a trip with my choir, and that was the longest. Eleven days isn't very long. haha... so wish me luck.

Anyway. So his Visa finally came, and the day arrived to say goodbye. I have received the question thousands of times, "Are you going to wait for him?" And seriously, I don't mind people asking. Naturally, people are curious. The answer to that question, just so everyone knows, I don't know. We are both aware that people can change drastically in a few years. And yes, I do love him. How could I not? I had a conversation with his cousin Serena (she is in grade six) last night that went something like this:


Serena: So do you still like Cody?
Janeen: haha, of course. Cody is my best friend.
Serena: So are you going to still like him even though he's gone? Are you going to wait for him?
Serena: Sorry about the incomfortable questions.
Janeen: Haha, it's fine. You can ask me anything you'd like. I didn't promise Cody I 'd wait for him, because he needs to focus more on being a good missionary rather than whether or not I am dating someone.. but if I'm still around when he gets home, I'm sure we'll go on a date.
Serena: Yeah.. that's so cool! You're my hero!

When she asked me, my first thought was, how the heck do I explain something like this to someone who is what.. twelve? Then I realized, there is only one way to explain, because there is only one answer. So I said goodbye last night before he got set apart. I cried as I drove home. I kept one of his shirts. I wrote him a goodbye letter, and gave him a goodbye hug. I cry when people ask me how I am, and I cry when people don't. I don't like being this girl, but I am. I guess that is just life though. It is never what you expect.

I do know that Cody is going to be such a great missionary. His decision to serve a mission has impacted so many people in such a great way, and I am so proud of his choices and the sacrifices he has made to get to this point. I love him, and I love his immediate and extended family. His little brother Carson feels like my little brother these days, and I feel somewhat protective of him.. so really.. He deserves more than shallow flirting so any of you girls who have bad intentions with him... cut it out. jjus kidding. Anyway. I am somewhat embarrassed to be this girl, and more than anything, I am so so excited for Cody and the things he is going to get to experience the next couple years. So for everyone who is wondering, there you have it. Yes, I love Cody Clay and I'm not afraid to admit that. Yes, he is my best friend. No, I didn't promise I would wait for him.. but I am going to live my life in such a way that I will end up with the person I am supposed to end up with, regardless of who that is.. and I certainly, am not going to settle for less than the best.. and so far, Cody is the best.

ask for source.

today is a happy day.

Goodbye best friend, and good luck.

Thank you for being the best.

I won't forget you, I promise.

My best friend is leaving me for two years. I'm not mad or anything.

It's true. Cody is leaving on Tuesday! Do you want to know how much I am going to miss him? Yeah. I'm not going to tell you that. Do you know how excited I am for him to start this part of his life? Yeah. I'm not going to tell you that either. (For the record, I'm really going to miss him, and I'm really excited for him.) Enough. Instead, I am going to explain WHY I am going to miss him, and WHY I am so excited. So be prepared to be reading a whole lot about this boy I call my best friend.

Dear Cody. I am going to miss you because:

You have the best laugh. and no, not that sarcastic one..(I will miss that too, by the way..) but that real laugh that only comes out every once in a while.

You are the best/worst driver in the world and even though you have scared me half to death with your maniac driving skills more often then not, it was fun and you didn't ever kill either of us.

You are so pouty. So many people would probably think this is annoying, but it just makes me laugh to be honest. Yep, you have the worst temper in the whole universe I'm pretty sure, but I know you well enough to know juusst how to make you smile. And I'm going to miss that bad attitude of yours, because honestly, it humours me more than anything. =)

You always bought me the best gifts. 

You are spontaneous. Maybe I am more spontaneous than you are somedays, but you definitely gave your share of spontaneous ideas throughout the past year. Like. The trip to Walmart, then Toyota Dealership? Or the time you came with me to the happiest place in the world? Wendy's runs in the middle of the night?

You are the only person who has ever successfully invented a teleporting device. No one else knows how to use it either! What a shame.

Who am I going to chauffeur around now? Ever since the Saturn died, I have just become your taxi driver, and I have just been okay with that. I have no problem driving you to Moore's to buy some new dress pants, or to your Elder's Quorum president's house to look at a gun for twenty minutes, or to check the mail, or to get your skates sharpened, or to your hockey game.. etc. I actually enjoy it.. especially because you usually end up driving anyway. What the heck am I going to do to pass the time now?

Speaking of the saturn... I'm going to just miss that car. I know it's been dead for a while now, but seriously. May that car rest in peace. :(

You make the best perogies, ever. Even better then my dad, and that's saying something.

You can't sit still through an entire movie... and to be honest, I can't either. Who else is going to be wiling to quit halfway through an action-packed movie to run to Winks or the Blue Goose for treats? 

I'm probably going to even miss the unmentionables.. which I will leave as unmentionables to save you from embarrassment.. 

I'll miss you because sometimes you would come and tap on my window in the middle of the night just to chat. I liked that.

I'll probably really miss being able to just be myself completely around someone. I know it is so cliché to say that I can be around you in my sweats with no makeup on and feel beautiful, but seriously. It's like that. Of course.. I'd rather have clean hair and a nice looking face, but I like the fact that it isn't the main concern. You genuinely just like being around me as a person, and I am going to miss feeling like I don't need to impress someone. Sure, I have other friends and I don't have to "impress" them, but there is just something different. 

Who is going to bench press me?

please [don't] note my greasy hair and pajamas

photo: Carson Foggin

I need to stop here, because this is getting too long and I still have to write all the reasons I am excited for you.

Dear Cody. I am so excited for you because:

You get to spend two years of your life, teaching people in Puerto Rico.

You get to be in the sunshine.. away from the snow and wind of SoAb.

You have worked so hard for this time in your life, and you deserve for the time to have come.

There really isn't anywhere else in the world you need to be right now, so please just enjoy the next two years for all they are worth. I know you will.. I'm just excited for you.

You get to learn so much about other people, and about yourself.

Seriously, can we just stop and think about how blessed you are going to be because of this? 

You want this, so I want this.

You really need to just go and get there because if you pack your suitcase one more time I might have a breakdown for you... ;)

It's time to stop biting your nails.. and I think you leaving is the only way to fix it.

You are going to receive possibly the best care packages ever, from your "best" friend (being me) and your "girlfriend". (no names please). Lucky you. I mean, I know lots of boys leave a girlfriend behind, or a best friend behind.. but look at you. You went and got yourself one of each. ha.. ha.(this may or may not be somewhat of a joke..emphasis on the may not)

You are going to have the best experiences, and you are going to remember them forever, even though your memory got lost when you got your wisdom teeth out. I have a feeling these ones will stay in your mind.

You are going to experience the most joy you have experienced thus far in life.. I am certain. Of course I am excited for you!

You officially have the comfiest blanket ever.. I'd be excited to get to use it too.

I really can't explain a few reasons I am excited for you. I simply don't know how. I just can't wait. Something great is coming your way, and I can't wait for you to find out what it is.

You know what else? I am excited for you to miss me, and I am even excited to miss you.

Manamana.

This post is dedicated to Little Miss Michelle. I miss you =)

remind me?

Even though I have always believed in this statement, I appreciate the odd reminder.

ask for source.

look what I made.

I never in a million years pictured myself to be a little home maker, but alas, perhaps I am. I never would have thought that one of the highlights of my week last week would be sewing a quilt for Cody?

My mom only helped the very last day. I'm not bragging or anything, I'm impressed with myself to say the least. Okay so maybe I am bragging.

If you want one, I'll make one for you, for like $239482039482.00