pick a side

The other day I decided to take a trip down memory lane and read some of my old blog posts. Well, I ended up reading like 100 from over a year ago. I realized how my blog posts used to be a million times more interesting, and I realized that's because I used to be better at sharing the thoughts deeper inside my heart. I guess it's safe to say that I've changed a lot the last two years. Just a little realization. I will try to be better at blogging whats really on my mind. Wish me luck.

So, lately I've been thinking a lot about the terms selflessness and selfishness. These paradoxical terms go hand in hand when determining the nature of a person. I realize, it is impossible to be both. It's the same thing as knowing that "No man can serve two masters "(Matt 6:24). These contradictory terms are the foundation for interaction with other people. Lately I have been surrounded by people who, to me, appear either very selfish, or very selfless. I can't help but want to be surrounded by those people who are only selfless. People who get caught up over the tiniest details and spend their life making sure everything is completely fair in all directions, I find to be very selfish.

Newsflash. Life just isn't fair, and it is impossible to make sure that everything is equal 100% of the time. Selfishness doesn't always mean wanting the most or wanting the best, it sometimes just means not being willing to give a little bit extra, or not realizing how being so self-centered can hurt others, or spending so much time worrying about how you can be successful that you forget to notice the things you are doing to reach that success are hurting others. Selflessness, on the other hand, only ever results in blessings. The person who is willing to give the last few dollars to pay for something, or the person who is willing to make a sacrifice to make sure someone else is able to succeed means a lot. The person who is willing to give advice over and over and listen to others over and over without ever being asked if they need anything. Small acts of daily sacrifice and kindness can make a world of difference. Being surrounded by both of these characteristics has made me question myself: which master am I serving?

When put into that context, it appears quite clear which master I want to be serving. Selflessness comes from God, and selfishness comes from the devil. There really isn't any other way to say it. When it's put that way, I choose God. Every.single.time.

I do find myself getting caught up on little things that don't matter often, and I want to stop. I want to be the person who is willing to make that sacrifice for other people.  I'm far from perfect, but learning a little bit about these two words and experiencing the effects of them has really been eye opening. Being selfless doesn't mean you have to donate your life savings to a charity. It doesn't mean to let others walk all over you. It simply means being open minded enough to see that the tiniest details really don't matter. Being willing to help someone out if they need it, and being aware enough to realize it before they have to ask.  It means buying the bracelet from the little kiddos in Mexico even though you already have five. They are only a dollar anyway. It means taking care of yourself and your things so no one else has to do it for you. It means giving spare change to the beggars on the street, because you know what? No one really knows for sure that they are going to be spending that money on drugs an alcohol. It means thinking about yourself less so you can realize how your actions are impacting other people. It means buying the cookies from the girl scout trying to raise money. It means not spending so much time thinking about how you can make your own life better, and maybe thinking about how you can make the life of someone else just a little bit easier. Now, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but theres no harm in making a good effort. I'm starting today.


Okay, I'm done now.


I choose happily ever after, please and thank you.

Sometimes I see everyone's lives as a novel. I'm not sure thats a good thing, but it's just something I do. Sometimes I look at the lives of others and think their lives are perfect full of adventure and self discovery and happy endings. I see people who travel the world living the nomadic life of a gypsy and are tasting the deliciousness of culture for years on end. How incredible. I also see the lives of some living the quietly quaint life of a perfect housewife, baking beautiful cakes and creating beautiful children. Everyones lives are so incredibly different. Each their own kind of plot line. Each their own kind of wonderful. Inevitably, everyone has low points in lives. Turmoil and tumult. I see once ideal lives fall apart from wrong choices or just a round of terrible luck. Sometimes this gets me down, whether it be because I feel lost in my own life or because those I care about seem lost in their own. The other day I was thinking a lot about this, and then I read this quote.

"At any given moment you have the power to say, this is not how the story is going to end."

**Problem is, I don't know who said it. I've seen it a bunch of different places. So to whomever first said these beautiful words, nice work. The credit is all yours.

How lucky are we that at any given moment we can stop and decide that this isn't the right ending for us. Sometimes I've felt like the direction my life is headed has already been decided due to expectations and assumptions. I know {generally} where I want to go and the true long-term goals I have for myself, but just because people assume things are going to happen in a certain way, doesn't mean they have to happen that way. It's really not up to anyone else. I love knowing that even though so many people have certain expectations of me, I can choose how MY story ends. No matter what that ending is, I know it's going to be the happily ever after kind. Those are the best kinds.

I only wish those dear to me would all have this same realization. Just because they have been dealt a lousy hand as of late, doesn't mean there is always time for another round.

Okay I'm stepping off of my soapbox now.


Does anyone have a GPS for life?

I feel like you're always told that you go to college to find yourself, whatever that means.
Well, I'm going to be honest. 
I've changed, yes, but deep down, I still feel like that same seventeen year old girl who has no idea what she wants in life and no idea where she wants to live or what she wants to do. College is ending [somewhat] soon and I still feel like I'm STILL at a crossroads. 
That same crossroads I was at this time last year, 
and the year before, 
and the year before.
I don't want to choose paths. 
I don't want to decide whats next.
 I don't want to make any life changing decisions. 
I want to learn more.
I want my heart to heal.
I want to travel more.
I want to meet people.
I want to spend too much money.
I want to fall in love all over again.
I want to be spontaneous. 
I don't want to be an adult yet.
 I'm not ready for bills or houses or responsibility.
I'm not ready to be a wife or a mother. 
I'm not ready to find a real job.
 I'm not ready to graduate. 
I don't want to live up to anyone's expectations.
I'm not ready for decisions and life.
I just want to keep being me.
 I want to stay right in this place that I am.
I know it's unrealistic and just apart of growing up.
Girls my age are all getting married and even having kids.
I'm so happy for them. But my mind is blown.
I'll get there someday.
but for now, there's no harm in admitting that maybe, I'm just scared.
Yep. That's it.

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