Adios Amigos. Actually.

I want to go homeeeee. I haven't been home since Christmas. I know I shouldn't complain because lots of people go much longer than seven months without being home, but oh well. I'm complaining anyway.

I miss Waterton. I miss my cute little uniform that I got to wear all last summer. Oh and by cute I mean ugly. But wonderful nonetheless. I miss the mountains. I miss the smell of crisp air in the morning. I miss the deer. I miss the freezing cold lake. I miss Big Scoop. I miss Scrubway. I miss Pat and Ralph, and Anders. I miss the campground Kiosks. I miss being greeted at the gate by Bart, or Ethan. I miss the cute little movie theater. I miss the golf cart, and the club car. I miss Crandell and seeing 9283749238 bears on the drive there. I miss spraying down the bathrooms and squeegie-ing the camp kitchens. How the heck to you spell squeegie? I miss angry campers. Okay mostly I miss telling everyone about the crazy campers. I miss everything. I had the best job last summer. Ever. Confession: I have a dream about once a week that I am all geared up in my green pants and polo, cruising the campground on the golf cart like a champ. Seriously miss it.

I miss Cardston, all lit up at night. I miss driving and seeing the temple glowing. I miss my giant bed and how it feels like a cloud. I miss the unpredictable weather. I miss being able to be outside and not have to worry about all my makeup dripping off my face from humidity. I miss rootbeer slurpees from Reddi Mart. I miss BBQing with my dad in the backyard. I miss tanning with my mom on the deck. I miss my besties. I miss having sleepovers and watching movies all day. I miss not having to study for tests. I miss not having to wake up early. I miss the colorful Canadian currency. I miss saying garbage instead of trash, and bayg and flayg instead of bAAG and flAAAg without being laughed at.

I miss Canada. I want to go home. Texas is lovely and I am loving my time here, but it simply is just not home. Okay now that I have that all out, I should go pack because I am going home in two days! =)

x

Because I miss Cody. Accept it.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Memory lane.

Well its 2 am and my heart hurts because I am missing Cody tonight. I have been doing that a lot lately. I think maybe it's because he is actually coming home soon(ish) and I am starting to get excited/nervous. 

Did you know he will be home in 204 days?

Okay so I guess I don't know for sure when he will be home yet.. but 204 more or less.

To most, I'm sure, that seems ridiculous.. 

but when you compare it to 731, it's really not very many days.

 In fact, that number seems quite small. =)

Maybe that is what has been picking at my mind. 

A return date would be nice. I like knowing things.

Anyway.  What I'm here for..

Story time.

So a little over two years ago, I was really sad. Looking back, I realize it was silly to be so sad but, my eighteen year old heart was quite broken it seemed.

Cody and I weren't dating at the time, but he was still very important to me and always remained a good friend through the ups and downs, even when I didn't deserve it.

We were in Waterton, and he knew I was sad so he was just keeping me company because he's a good friend like that. We decided to go for a walk. I was kind of cold so I took the big down-filled comforter off of my bed and wrapped myself up inside. We walked to the docks overlooking the lake and then decided to just lay down and talk.

He didn't have to ask why I was sad because he already knew, and even though it hurt him that I was sad, he just let me be sad and he let me talk about it. He offered advice, but he also just listened. I remember him scratching my back and then I remember him holding my hand. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in a "I'm your friend and I'm not leaving you because I know you need someone" sort of way. Sometimes thats all you need.

I shared my blanket with him and we just stayed there side by side.

I think I cried for a while. It's definitely possible.

Cody listened to every single reason why I was sad, even though it broke his heart to hear. We just stayed there on the docks, looking at the stars, and talking for hours and hours. 

That was the night I knew that Cody was for real. 

He wasn't going anywhere.

He showed me what unconditional love was.

Even though I didn't deserve a friend like him

even though I had hurt him

even though he loved me and I wasn't quiiite ready to love him back

even though I was silly and lost

even though I was immature and confused and blind

he was there for me.

Every single day.

He always said someday I would see 

Well, he was right..

and sure didn't take long. 

=)

And that is why, nearly eighteen months of being apart, I haven't been able to come close to replacing him.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets home, but I am sure excited to find out.

And I think that no matter what happens,

 he will always be that friend that is always there.

He's a keeper I think.

+

say what you will

I kinda feel like
there is just so much I could say to you
more and more as time passes..
but as time keeps passing more and more
something is stopping me
and I wish it wasn't.

source.

fam jam

I can't believe I've been home for practically ten whole days. Where does the time go? Oh wait. It goes extremely fast when you sleep 18/24 hours in a day. Just kidding, not quite that much. Good news. The swelling increased.. then decreased.

 Now that I can open my mouth approximately wide enough for one and a half fingers by day four, I think I am done with photos. Plus I think the swelling is going down. 

Yay me. Anyway. Now thats over..

Just a small thought.

I went to the high school basketball game tonight. It was the final, and they won. Yay. Go Cougars.

However, more than the game, I found myself watching the crowd. The students. The cheerleaders. As Karlee and I wandered into the gathering area I loved seeing the posters on the walls, the event calendar, the everything. I couldn't help but feel a tiny pang of nostalgia hiding deep in my heart.

I kinda miss high school, ya know?

I wouldn't go back, but I do miss the simplicity of life at that time.

I always had a boyfriend to kiss me goodnight.

I always had a bestie by my side.

I always had somewhere to be or a party to go to.

Serious. That was the life.

But then I remember how much has changed for me since high school.

 If I was still in high school, I'd be missing out.
You see, back then..

I didn't get along with my parents as well

(I had a curfew. Bleh.)

I didn't know where my life was headed.

I didn't have as strong of testimony of the gospel.

I didn't know how to study for a test. (haha seriously though)

I didn't know what love felt like.

I suppose graduating and moving on with life has been most definitely beneficial. 

 I've found I just love being home. Not necessarily doing anything but just being here. I've had some lovely times with some wonderful friends. Karlee has been a saint, as I have mentioned before.. running around for me and even sitting in my bed while I sleep. Love her. Also, I even spent an evening with my roomie Bailey . We must actually like each other and not just live together. It was nice to catch up for sure. Going from spending 24 hours a day with someone to zero is quite a jump.

 But my favorite times have been spent with my familyies. =) 

They have been the happiest to see me you know. 

And I am the happiest to see them.

I am happy they are all doing well. 

I love them. All of them.

And I am happy to be able to see them all again for another three ish weeks.

And then again after that, forever.

blog overload.

Prepare yourself for an overload of thoughts and pictures that have been hiding deep in the corner of my computer. It's been a while. Almost four months since I have sat on this very spot in my bed contemplating life and all it has to offer. But here I am. I am back.

Something about being home makes me want to blog about so many things. I feel like the blog was on the back burner while I was in Texas. Life is different there. I feel different there. I am a different person there. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.. including the blog. I didn't know what to write. I just kind of made up a buncha stuff to fill space and appease people. Now that I am home.. I find myself itching to write about everything and everyone. I am definitely the most myself at home.

Being back here is making me face all my problems. I kind of like being able to hide from things and not deal with them. Life is easier that way.

I tried dealing with some problems. The problems I left hiding in my closet when I moved away. It's overwhelming. I forgot how many things I just shoved in my closet last minute. I really should try to clean it out, but I can't. Not yet. I'm not quite ready to grow up 100%.

Speaking of life being easy. Life is easy when you do what people expect you to. You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to justify anything. You don't have to come up with excuses. You can kind of just, slide through life unnoticed. Which is horribly wonderful.

People keep telling me to be selfish for once in my life and go for what I want. Thing is, I already am selfish and I already have. Thing is, I need to be selfless instead. Whenever I am selfish, selflessness gets shoved back in my face. It's fine really, just sometimes I wish selfishness could win without catching up with me.

Today I ran into Mr. Heninger.. my English 30 teacher. I confessed about my 70% paper. He made me feel better. He inspired hope in me again. The situation made me realize that the paper I wrote for hygiene school was a joke and the instructor isn't even a certified teacher yet. She is a lovely person, of course, but she teaches Prevention. Prevention is a class about floss and toothpaste. It reminded me that people who know what they are talking about when it comes to writing seem to think I have a talent. I think I will still try to write a book someday. What a soul-saver.

I ran into so many people that I know. I love being home. I love knowing people and I love having people know me. I love walking down the street and recognizing people. It makes me feel real.

I haven't kissed a boy for ten months. I know this is just a small thing to be thinking about but ten months is a long time okay. And I like kissing. There. I said it. I'm human.

Do you sometimes wonder about the things people don't say to you? The things people are thinking or the things they want to say but can't? I do. What if you are thinking the exact same things. What if that long lost friend is just as sad as you are that your friendship ended at age twelve. What if you really think her shirt looks terrible on her but just can't tell her. What if what if what if. What if two people are just, living the same thoughts, but won't share them? It's a tragedy, really.

Lady Antebellum's album "We Own the Night" is incredible. Every single song. And not just because I saw them live. They are an amazing band. My favorite songs of theirs right now are definitely Somewhere Love Remains, and Dancin' Away With My Heart. They are both just truly adorable songs. The kind of song that I overly anticipate the chorus. The kind of song that hits my soul deeply because its such a real song. Wow I'm such an emotional person it's almost embarrassing. Oh well.

I miss Sarah Jo already. She is a keeper.

I always have these expectations of how things are going to be. Graduating. Birthdays. College. Getting off a flight.  All of these things just continue to be so anticlimactic. Sure, grad was super fun. I had a pretty dress and my hair worked out well. My date drove a nice truck and he thought looked better than he did at his own grad. And he did. But then grad just came and went and then it was over. Maybe some peoples birthdays are great, but mine are lame. Maybe it's because its right after Christmas or something, but my birthday always ends up being lame. College. Sure. College is a blast. But lets be real, it's not how it looks in the movies. Its full of homework and homesickness and eating ichiban and saving pennies. It's hard. And it's exhausting. At least for me it is. Walking off a flight. Man it'd be so fun to walk off a flight to a loved one with a bouquet of flowers. It would be wonderful to jump into their arms and hug them and have tears join together in the joy of a happy reunion. Nope. That doesn't happen. I'm not being negative or anything but I can't help it. Life is dull sometimes. I hope I am not the only one. I'm tired of it. I want a grand gesture. I want something that changes my life. I want something fabulously magical to happen.

Okay that was slightly negative and almost came across suicidal? I love life, really. Sometimes I relish in the greyness of life. It sure makes you appreciate the color when it finally happens.

Last Sunday in primary, I was playing some hymns quietly before it began and Jennifer, 5, came and sat on the piano bench next to me like she does every week. She began to sing along softly, melting my heart. She looked at my hands and said to me, "I always wanted to play the piano.." She then proceeded to watch my hands and move hers up and down the piano as I did. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a teacher. Crap. I guess I will be having ten kids instead.

yes this happens.

Sometimes I just stop and think of you.

And sometimes I wonder if in that moment, you are thinking of me too.

source.

cannnootgetenoughcountrymusic.

Soo all I can seem to listen to these days is country music?..

It's like.

Country music makes you miss something or someone. 

Not even anyone in particular.

But just a feeling of missing something.

Call me crazy.

OKAY. So. 

An announcement...

I will officially be attending a concert on November 3rd...

LADY ANTEBELLUM

I'm so freaking excited.

I can't even think of a concert I'd rather attend right now.

And for a moment
We made the world stand still

where did summer go?

So I'm packing up my room.

again... and it's taking forever

because

 I keep finding odds and ends that distract me. 

I have become an excessive daydreamer..

in addition to my excessive dreams at night.

source

but then I remember how excited I am for the next chapter of my life.

Three more nights here is all..

Ahhh life is crazy.