thats alllll.

I have started four different blog posts, finished two of them, and erased all of them. This is all I can come up with.


just some stuff.

I got an ultrasound today. I didn't think I'd have one of those until I was pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.. just to keep that clear.

I'm starting to enjoy my calcium supplements?

My favorite thing to do is post pictures of cats on Michelle's wall.

My bones ache.

I swear people should not complain about aching bones until they are at least twenty five.

Grey's Anatomy makes me cry, every episode.

My favorite thing is when a friend gets their wisdom teeth out. =)

I miss BYU.

Being back in southern Alberta makes me a lot of things.. mostly... asldkfjalsdkf.

I deleted over 200 facebook friends. Sorry if you were one of them..

I don't want to unpack my things, because I am in denial that I am back here. Yes. I am still living out of my suitcases.

I'm hoping I move away soon.

If one more medical person pokes a needle into me I'm going to have a hissy fit.

My hair is that awkward between short and long length, and I hate it.

Maybe I'll try putting blonde in my hair? HA. Funny...

I haven't had my usual nightly chat with Spring for a few nights, and I'm finding myself ranting to other people. I think I'm scaring them away.

Chicken crackers?

Do not ask me how many episodes of Grey's Anatomy I've watched this week. You don't want to know.

When my friends are upset, I am upset too.

I suffer when I'm awake for more than four hours at a time.

My facebook chat is broken. It has been for over a week.

The spinning rainbow needs to die.

I can't apply for a job yet, because we still don't know whats wrong with me.

I miss my room mates.

It is soooooooo windy here.

You know that book off of Harry Potter? The one by Tom Riddle that won't disappear? I have one of those. The book just refuses to be destroyed.

I feel bad when I'm grumpy when I hang out with friends, but sometimes it just happens.

My mom made me soup again.

Every time I cross that bridge on the highway, I get all nostalgic. I'm so lame.

I'm done being lame now.

My facebook chat is fixed! Best day ever.

Life sure has a lot of twists and turns, doesn't it?

Well, I've been awake for three hours now and I'm ready for another nap.


one more.

I know I posted already today, but sometimes things happen, and you need to post again. Posting is not something I do to keep people updated on my life. I don't do it so people can read my thoughts or I can share my words. Honestly, I do it because it keeps me from going crazy. Right now.. I feel like I'm going crazy a little bit, so don't be bothered by the fact that I posted a few hours ago and here I am again. Every time I go for a walk outside, a million billion things can make me smile. No matter how many things can make me smile, there has always been one thing that could creep into a perfect day and ruin it. Now, I'm sure most of the people who read my blog know me well enough to know what that is. That thing that broke me. Today, I realized that I can't just wait to be fixed. I'll have to do it on my own. It is time to never look back. Ever. And that feels great. :)

Now this is kind of off topic, but its important. There is this flower, that pokes through the sidewalk crack, just like that. Every day I see this flower, it makes me remember to smile, just like that. I'm afraid today I accidentally stepped on the flower, and smooshed it. Yes. I smooshed it. I love this flower. My first thought was.... I guess with winter coming and all, it was bound to die soon anyway.. the seasons changing tends to do that. Then I realized that was crazy thinking. I did something silly. It was something I might have done when I was four or five. I picked the smooshed flower, and I brought it inside. I hope it will survive.


one thought.

Enough is enough. 


straight up nothingness.

I've been thinking tonight. I have this problem. I have always had it, and it seems to just get worse as time passes. It is probably stemmed from a combination of stubbornness and pride. Unfortunate traits to have, yes, but they exist in me nonetheless. I won't even try to deny that because if anyone knows me even the slightest, they are aware of both of these things. Anyway, this problem I have. I sort of tend to say things I don't mean. Not necessarily lying, but more I don't say what I actually feel, or what I want to. Probably in fear of being hurt, or almost... out of a test to see the reaction of others? If that makes sense. Okay, this is sounding dreadful. Let me try to give an example.

I remember when I was really little I was at a friend's house. On their tabletop sat a fresh skor cake. I'm certain this cake was still warm. It looked brilliant, and I was offered a piece. For some crazy reason, I turned it down, even though I was dying to eat the entire thing. I think this was an attempt at being polite, but immediately after I turned it down I thought to myself, "I shouldn't have just done that..?" Its stupid really. I guess that wasn't really a prime example either.. oh well. Anyway, this thing I do, I'm afraid has only increased as I have grown older. What happened to growing older and wiser? This thing I do has caused me nothing but grief. I have denied myself so many things because I do this. Everything from skor cake to friendships to free meals to hanging out to dates. I say things inbetween the lines and its silly. If I was more.. straight up.. with my feelings and my thoughts, I think I would have saved myself a lot of problems. I have realized this a few times in my life, but it has become this crazy cycle where I have become tangled in this web of saying things between the lines and analyzing words and telling people I want to go home when I don't and asking people to leave me alone when really I just want a hug? I am tired of this game, and after writing this, I believe it is almost dishonest to a degree? I think I'll try to be clear from now on.

Sorry you had to suffer through this rant of nothingness. To be honest, I don't even know what I am trying to say. I guess its just one of those days?

I didn't really mean that.



Sometimes, committing a random act of kindness that takes zero effort, zero thought, and zero time can bring a person to tears of joy on a hard day.
Sometimes, nothing beats the feeling when you find out that you made someone's day, without even realizing it.
Sometimes, you need to give that stranger a smile, or write that person a letter, or hold that door open.
Sometimes, you just need to trust your instincts with these sorts of things.
Sometimes, myself included, being nice seems like such a task. What will people think, why does it matter, theres no way I could make a difference.
Since when was being nice such a crime? 


for the love of energy.

I hate chemistry. I couldn't pay attention in the class.. when I actually went, and I am convinced if it wasn't for Katy and Malarie, I would have failed painfully. I took the class early because I wanted to get over it, and never wanted to deal with it again, and to be honest, I didn't think about it again until about a week ago. So discreetly, I was re-introduced to a phrase that rang a bell. Now, this is not the phrase exactly.. but the end of it was.. "..can be neither created nor destroyed.." So I think to myself. I learned this somewhere. Where did I learn this? Of course. Chemistry class! I was still frustrated to be unable to complete this sentence, so I googled it. Excuse my science lesson. I'm not usually like this, but I found this rather fascinating. This is what I learned..

Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only change forms.

[ Isn't that a beauty? Energy is just.. there. No one makes it, fakes it, or takes it. You can try, but theres just no way. ]

In any process in an isolated system, the total energy remains the same.

[ Too wicked. So if you leave it alone, with nothing else in the way, without letting the surroundings interfere, nothing to steal the energy, or borrow the energy, or move the energy or delay the energy,  just let it be, the energy will remain the same. I think i'll keep that in mind? ] 

Energy cannot be created nor destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained.

[ That's sort of reassuring. Actually, really reassuring. No matter what, you won't ever lose more energy than you gained. Guess theres never anything really to lose when it comes to energy, is there? ]

I may or may not have found this overly-fascinating. Maybe if I would have paid better attention in Chem, life wouldn't be so complicated? Everyone in the world probably already knew all this information, but I'm afraid it went in one ear of mine and right out the other. And I'm bored and actually miss learning? 

I promise I'll never talk about science again.


the light. :)

When I opened the page to begin a new post, a million thoughts went through my head on what I could write about. So many things went wrong today. I could write about all of those things, or just one.

1. I could write about the person who hurt my feelings
2. I could write how frustrated I am that my room is a mess. 
3. I could complain about the person who went back on their word, costing me almost $400.00. 
4. I could express my frustrations over how ridiculous some people are.. or about how unoriginal they are. Trust me, I could go on forever about that one. Why can't people be happy being themselves? Why can't they be who they are, because they won't last any other way? 
5. I could write about why I'm jealous today. 
6. I could write about my broken heart—about the boy who changed my life and then disappeared.
7. I could write about my over-protective mother who sometimes drives me crazy, 
8. I could write about all the dead ends I've discovered for myself today.
9. I could go on forever about the last ten reasons I've cried. 
10. I could write about the ten newest reasons why I want to cry.

.. but why would I do that?
I guess instead, I'll do this.

1. I'll accept that the person who hurt my feelings probably has no idea why I'm offended, or maybe that I'm offended even at all. I'll just forget about that one. No point in holding grudges.
2. Yes, my room is a mess and I can't exactly start organizing it until I get the rest of my things from Utah. Good thing my friends parents are so amazing, and are going to be bringing me my things as soon as they can. I sure love how much others are willing to serve. 
3. Sure, I lost almost $400.00 in this process, but it just could have been so much worse. I'm so happy I was able to return all my text books past the normal date, and that most of my tuition is in the mail on its way back to me.
4. People will always be unoriginal, but I suppose I should be flattered that others admire what I do, and what my friends do, and want to do that for themselves. Knowing that people look up to me sure makes me want to be a better example.
5. Jealous? Jane? That's unheard of :) I'm happy that those I am close to can still be out having fun. They deserve it.
6. I guess everyone has experienced a broken heart. The thing about those, is they always heal with time, so I've heard. Maybe I haven't got there yet, but I have faith that someday I will. I will always be grateful for the experiences I have had, and for how much stronger I have become because of this. 
7. My mom wakes me up all the time to make sure I'm still alive. I'm so happy she made me some real soup, and she cares enough to make sure I don't need to go back to the hospital. It'd be sad if she didn't care, wouldn't it?
8. Dead ends? Sure, in some aspects my life has sort of, stopped. I am back in Cardston, yes, and I am not sure where I will be next, but I will accept this time I have been given as a gift to decide what it is exactly I need to be doing at this point in my life. I will develop some good habits, and hopefully learn whatever it is I need to learn these next few months.
9. - 10. Crying is great. I've always been a firm believer that crying is God's little gift to everyone. Somehow, by shedding this liquid from these ducts naturally existing in the corners of our eyes, we are able to experience a sense of relief. What a miracle!


don't forget.


what i miss most.

Well. I already miss Provo.
I miss the beautiful weather. I miss the fact that I could still wear shorts and flip flops, because it is still summer.
I miss hearing "Come, Come Ye Saints".. slightly off key.. every hour, reminding me that I was at the best university ever.
I miss the little bird that chirps at the crosswalk, and I miss our squeaky fridge.
I miss Tessa, and they way she takes so long to put on her mascara. I miss watching the OC with her until way too late, and spending all afternoon watching it, not caring if we were being anti-social.
I miss my other room mates. Kristalyn, Liz, Corinne and Korinne. We had such a good group of room mates. I loved how everyone just did their own dishes. I miss hearing Kristalyn playing the guitar, and Corinne's cute high pitched laugh, and her cooking. I miss Liz always cooking up something fabulous in the kitchen too. I miss how Korinne was such a sweet heart. Honestly, she has a heart of gold. :)
I miss the long walk to the JSB, but how all my classes were in there on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
I even sort of miss Professor Patterson's ugly bow ties.
I miss how it was so hard to get the temperature of the shower just right.
I miss how squeaky our front door was.
I miss how squeaky all of our doors were.
I take it back, I don't miss anything about Professor Patterson. :)
I miss how exciting it was to get mail.
I miss Tuesday morning devotional in the Marriott, and how the bell tower would try and play church hymns when we went but failed miserably.
I miss walking through the Wilk and hearing some fabulously talented person playing on that little piano the corner.
I miss walking home from creative writing and watching the fencing class on the lawn in front of the Wilk.
I miss Human Development, and how much Professor Nelson loved that class.
I miss my iClicker. I felt so important when I used that, even though I always chose the wrong answer.
I miss how new everything was. No one knew me, and no one really cared to. :)
I miss leaving the book store and having people try to sell me Starving Student Cards.
I miss the smell of the Cougareat on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I wish I would have figured out what smelled so good all the time.
I miss Jamba Juice. OOH how I miss Jamba Juice!!
I miss the school spirit. Everyone just loves BYU.

More than anything? I miss my writing class. I miss how it was the perfect class for me. I miss Professor Woods, and Katie, the nice girl who sat by me. I miss Erikka, the girl who actually wasn't in our class but came anyway. I miss how we would take ten minute breaks because that class was so long, but I absolutely loved all two and a half hours of it. I miss how the entire class period consisted of reading each other's work, and reading other short stories. I miss how class was held in the Dean of Humanities office around a conference desk in conference chairs. I miss how that class would make me write, all the time.

Southern Alberta? Please, please be good to me.. :(


things plus esophagus.

I have a million things to do, and a million thoughts, and a million ideas going through my head. I can't focus them to make one post so I will just write them down. This post is inspired by Springs recent posts.

Southern Alberta. Really?

I don't know how to pack.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to drink raspberry lemonade to compensate for the ginormous jug I have to leave behind. :(

Do you think the plane will let me carry on my oversized poster of Audrey Hepburn?

Why did I buy that jug of raspberry lemonade? It hardly even fits in our fridge.

Pain killers = heaven.

Medical Notes can do absolutely anything you want them to.

In twenty four hours I will be in the sky.

Southern Alberta.. REALLY??

Why is it that raspberry lemonade keeps insisting on entering my dreams?

I hate my American phone. I am almost done with it.

Goodbye writing class. :( And girl named Katie who likes how I write. You were nice. We could have been friends.

I'm leaving everything here. I hope it comes home to me soon.

Who would have thought leaving would require more work than staying?

I'm a terrible packer.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to eat the entire day.

Raspberry lemonade sounds so good right now.

Goodbye people I never met, and people I did meet.

Jamba Juice? I was so excited about our developing relationship. You shall be missed.

Kristalyn, Liz, Corinne and Korinne, I'm glad we had these two weeks together. Please don't just remember me as that one room mate who got sick.

Tessa. You can survive I know it. But stay away from that one guy?..

I love friendly messages from people who care.

Raspberry Lemonade isn't even good. I don't even know why I keep trying to drink it.

When I can swallow again, I think I will never stop swallowing, ever again.

What do I take home?

Goodbye thirty degree weather.

I'm keeping one of my text books.. shh....

Southern Alberta...

I secretly have been craving a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger combo from Wendys, with a diet coke and an extra frosty... all supersized for a week now. Oh well.

There are a lot of different kinds of Chicken Noodle Soup you know.

What do you do if you can't swallow without pain medication, but the pain medication makes you throw up what you swallow?

Southern Alberta. I don't even want to know what that means.

People are so kind sometimes.

What about my meal card that has so much money on it? I can't even use it. Such a disgrace.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to Quizno's. They have raspberry lemonade.

Goodbye super small miniature dorm sized bed. Hello king sized cloud. I have missed you so. :)

I heard its going to snow at home. Kill me now.

What does one do with returned tuition money that they have been saving? Save again? or maybe shop?

Two more weeks until I feel better. I think I can survive.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to consume ridiculous amounts of penny candy.

Southern Alberta... oh dear...

If you have a weak stomach, maybe don't look. This is my esophagus. That white stuff? Its not supposed to be there. Its all just supposed to be pink apparently.

I better go return my text books now.



So. I guess I'm going home?

Ask me how I feel about that?

: Well, I am tired of being sick here, and I am tired of not being able to see my own doctor and having to worry about getting to and from appointments, so I guess home is a good option.
: Well, I do miss home a little bit.
: Well.. no. I just can't?
: I do miss my bed?
: Please wake me from this nightmare. I am just starting to love it here?
: I'd rather not think about what that means. Cardston? .. again? hmm..
: Well, no thank you? I'll just stay right here please..
: No comment.

I guess I don't have a choice..


just a few thoughts.

Well, this isn't going to be a different sort of post. Perhaps more informative because I don't know how to beat around the bush with this one? I will do my best, because that is my favorite thing to do. It has been an interesting and challenging few days for me. There are numerous reasons why, beginning with the ridiculous amount of reading I have to do by tomorrow morning... but I am incapable of reading my text books because they are much to heavy for me.. because I have beyond zero energy.. because  have not been able to eat or drink anything in 4 days now? Minor detail, really. Okay so I guess I could probably do my reading, but this headache I have is really making it hard for me to even blink. Also.. I'm getting rather thirsty?

Ok. To put it out straight, I'm sick. I'm not sure whats wrong, but I'm tired of it. Basically, like I said before, I can't eat or drink. Not because I can't keep it down, but because I can't get it down to start with. Everyone keeps telling me to suck it up and drink something even if it hurts. I don't think anyone really understands. This isn't the strep throat sort of pain in your throat. It is much deeper than that, and there is something so much more wrong than a simple sore throat. Today, as my dear sister is trying to get me to drink something, I finally come up with the only analogy I can think of. "Its not that simple. If someone told you that you had to cut off your arm, even though it hurt, could you do it? Sometimes you just can't inflict that sort of pain upon yourself." Yes, I have been to the doctor and yes I have called home and been taking ridiculous amounts of medication but nothing seems to be doing the trick. Alright. Enough about my odd health issues that I am learning the best way to deal with is just sleeping the entire day away.. I have had an eye opening weekend.

I have learned just how much I appreciate family. I have been living at my sister's and her husband's quaint little apartment, specifically designed for two. Sometimes it is nice just to be around family, you know? I'm sure it is a hassle to have my here, but she keeps on insisting that I stay here. My mom and dad have also called me a thousand million times today to check up on me, and I appreciate them so much for that.

I also appreciate good family friends. Our family doctor took time out of his already overly busy Sunday afternoon, to call me because he heard that I wasn't doing well and was worried. It was a typical doctors visit, only over the phone. He then called my parents and told them what he thought of everything, and is still very concerned. I so love Cardston, and I miss it a little bit more every day.

I have learned just how much I appreciate Canada's health care system. I know some people may disagree, but it is the best. You'd think the fact that I waited in the emergency room for seven and a half hours on Saturday would be the worst part. It wasn't. Not even being hooked up to all the strange machines that I had only seen on Grey's Anatomy and having strange concoctions of medications shoved down my throat would maybe be the worst. Wrong again. The thought of the huge medical bill that my parents were going to possibly be surprised with very soon made me feel awful. They said not to worry, but how could I not?

I have learned that I truly have the best friend ever. Not ever in my lifetime have I ever had a friend be so genuinely concerned about my health and well being as this one in particular. The thing is, there is probably about 2039482039 things going on in his life, well actually, I know for a fact there is, but he still took the time to put everything aside, and figure out if there was anything he could do, make me feel better, and has spent the whole day doing so. It is truly touching to know that someone cares about me that much. I am so lucky. :)

I am not sure we can ever be completely ready for the challenges that life presents, but I do know that there are always people there that will help you and people who are so genuinely concerned about you that they cry right along with you. There are people who will wait in a hospital with you for seven hours and listen to you complain about how thirsty you are. There are people that will take you to the pharmacy in the middle of their afternoon and sit in the aisle on the ground as you burst into tears as you try to guzzle down some fruit smoothie. There are always people who will remember to fast and pray, and there are always people who are willing to give you a blessing. People are amazing, and I am so grateful for those people who have been a positive influence in my life thus far, and for those people who have tried so incredibly hard to help me carry my burdens when I feel I cannot do it anymore. Hopefully things start getting better soon, but if not, I guess that is just life?


i like it here.

I know coming here was the right decision. I've wondered for a while. A lot of people think I am wasting my time because there is a very big possibility my stay here is temporary. Anyway, I don't think I am wasting my time. For so many reasons, this is where I need to be.

because I need to learn how to be okay, far away from those people I have relied on so much for so long.
because I need to understand just what our high school teachers meant when they said they were spoon feeding us. They seriously weren't kidding
because I need to make some new friends, and maintain old friendships
because I need to learn how to become a better person, and someday a good wife, and eventually a mother
because my testimony needs strengthening, and being surrounded by such amazing people is seriously helping so much
because I am so naive, and this is eye opening
because I am so much more appreciating those people who have made such a difference in my every day life
because I am learning about having a calling, and I am going to learn to love that
because someday I am going to have to say goodbye to such close friends for good, and so I suppose this is a good trial run..
because I am a terrible cook, and it is about time I learn how to cook
because I am not very social sometimes, and BYU is helping me figure out how to crawl out of my shell
because I want to write, and my writing professor is going to make sure that happens

I think this place has potential. Maybe not the sort of potential that I expected, but I am happy here. :)


thanks audrey.

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” - Audrey Hepburn

Inspiring or what?

People make mistakes. People are who they are. You know what? It doesn't change anything. What would happen if we "threw" people out if they messed up? Honestly, if my friends did this to me, I would have been disposed of long ago. Thank you everyone, for not giving up on me as I make mistakes. You know what else? My friends can make mistakes. I still love all of them.
no matter what. 


september long.

Well, another long weekend has come and gone. I always seem to learn so many things on long weekends. This weekend was especially great. My lovely friends Steph, Chelan, Parker, Cody, and Ryan came to visit. What a great weekend we had? Combine those five, with myself, Tessa, and Jared.. I'd say you have a great combination of people. What did I learn this weekend? I learned many things..

I learned that Jared makes a great imitation of the chirping noise at the crosswalk..
I learned that Arby's truly is disgusting, and makes me sick
I learned that Chelan and Steph make the most ridiculous noise when they are laughing...
I learned that Denny's has the potential to be awful
I learned that when swimming with Cody around is potentially fatal
I learned that cops truly are nice if they want to be, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out on the corner of the Wilk at 3am
I learned that driving on a windy road forever at 1am is worth it when you see the amazing view :)
I learned that two people can sleep in what seems to be a miniature single bed and have a great sleep
I learned that (I can't believe I am going to admit this) I can throw up after eating Arby's in front of Cody and all he says is.. "awesome!".. what a character.
I learned that Jared has an eye for photography
I learned that Ryan knows everything about the Salt Lake Temple, well pretty much everything
I learned that one bubble at a time is best?
I learned that eight people can cruise around any time of day and still find something to do
I learned that Cody is worse at making shopping decisions than I am
I learned that Tessa can indeed make the loveliest of faces at any given moment
I learned that sitting on Cody's shoulders can be successful
I learned that Utah is still crazy hot when southern alberta decides to start snowing and such.
I learned that Gabriel the Grape is disgusting
I learned that Japeleno Bites from Arbys should never be consumed, ever
I learned that BYU football games are truly inspiring
I learned that some people at games are absolutely arrogant, and that some people absolutely hate the LDS church
I learned that I get extremely defensive when people start mocking my religion
I learned that I already have a ridiculous amount of BYU Cougar Pride :)
I learned that Temple Square is the perfect place to spend a Sunday afternoon
I learned that Chelan needs to be a Cougarette
I learned that Steph is still my best friend
I learned that Parker isn't as shy as I thought he was
I learned that Ryan .. well.. he's not who I thought he was either? hhaha.. 
I learned that Jared gives great back rubs
I learned that Tessa can truly get ready for the day in under an hour if she puts her mind to it
I learned that Cody is absolutely hilarious, and can survive without sleeping for an entire night
I learned that I truly have the best friends ever!


words of impact

Today, I went to my first creative writing class at BYU. It's two and a half hours long. I'm sure many people would cringe at the thought of that, but to be honest, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face the entire time. Our first assignment in class was to write a story that was only six words. I think Professor Woods was trying to get us to grasp the concept of being able to impact people with few words. I sat, and thought, and I honestly couldn't come up with one. Truthfully, I still can't.
Anyway, he finally quoted Ernest Hemingway: "For sale: Baby shoes, never worn." 
This sad little six word story certainly did impact me. Instead of coming up with my own six word story, I just kind of thought about how ideas can be conveyed in such a small thought or gesture. I then thought of the small ideas, small thoughts, and small words that have impacted me lately. I realized instantly that I have been so touched by some of the simplest of words in the past while that it is truly overwhelming. The other day, I received some inspiring words.. "Take the time to discover who you are and what you want; then embrace it with all of your heart." Isn't that fabulous? A professor in one of my classes earlier this week shared a six word phrase with us. "Put your passion ahead of grades." Doesn't that phrase just awaken your sleeping mind? It is seriously so easy to bring a smile to my face its absolutely ridiculous. This morning I was awakened by a text that simply said, "Good morning, pretty girl." Who wouldn't smile after reading that? A few days ago, I was surprised by a text. This text started out by saying.. "I am your friend.." Those four words honestly brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure they are words that we hear all the time, but the story hidden, and the events leading up to this text certainly make them mean so much more. People are fascinating and brilliant. Every single one of them. Each of these little phrases have been said directly, or indirectly, to me within days of each other. Perhaps you are not as fascinated as I am, but I a truly touched by the kind words of the people that matter in my life. I hope they know that.

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