goodbye vs.. none.

Goodness. I know I am not leaving forever but it sure feels that way. When I come back, this place will have changed, the people I remember here will be gone, and I will be a different person. Change scares me more than I'd like to admit. Just as I finally seemed to have adjusted to the last big change in life, an even bigger one decides to sneak up on me. I have spent the last few days saying goodbye to everything. Old clothes, old books, my bed, my friends, my room mates, and my family. I've never actually had to say goodbye before. Sure, all of my siblings have moved away from home and I have said goodbye to them, but it seems different. With family, you are guaranteed Christmas' together every year, unless, I suppose, one of your siblings marries someone from far away.. even then, there is still every other Christmas! My point is, goodbyes suck. It is the oddest thing. Surreal for sure. We all know somewhat how they go. They'll be nostalgic, maybe some thank you's. Everything negative is forgotten of course. Perhaps there will be a hug and some tears... but at what point does this end? You know its coming, you sense it.. but during the moment.. when do you actually allow the goodbye to take place? Before you realize it, it's over..

I experienced another sort of goodbye today. A goodbye I've anticipated over and over again for the past, well, for as long as I can remember. You know what the strange part is? It never even happened. Fault? It's no one's fault. Mistakes here, mistakes there. I suppose I suspected it would turn out this way. Hmm... now that I think about it, I realize that it went that way for a lot of very important people in my life. The other day, I ran into a family member of one of my best friends. I asked, "how is so and so?" reply: "oh she flew out this morning." Oops. Missed that goodbye. Another dear friend sent me a message apologizing for not saying goodbye. Missed that one too. What is this? Is life so busy that we can't find time to bid farewell to those who have mattered so much in our lives? I love both of those girls to death, but they have began their new lives, as I will begin to do so very soon as well. I feel awful about missing so many goodbyes, but then I realize.. how many more goodbyes have I missed? Would it have been possible to say goodbye to everyone? I suppose all I can do is hope that these people know I love them, and that with or without a personal goodbye, they really have made a difference in my life.

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