I really try hard to love everyone, but sometimes there are people who just have the ability to get under my skin in a way I simply can't describe. I tell myself that these people are lovely, and that I'm sure they are great, because you know what? They probably are. They are loved, they have their talents, they are special, and they are who they are, and I can't judge that. But sometimes you just have to trust your instincts about people. Sometimes if you don't trust someone, theres a good possibility that there is a reason why you don't trust them.
I wish it wasn't so, but there are many people like this that seem to be entering my life in the sneakiest of ways. There is one, in particular, who... well, I am doing my best to love. This person has been in and out of my life in the past little while. This person appeared ever so slowly, and somehow found a way to get under my skin in the worst possible of ways. I'm sure it was unintentional. I'm sure this person has NO idea what they have done in my life. I have accepted it, moved past it, and tried again to love this character. Now, again, I am in the same situation. I am trying so unbelievably hard to be accepting, but I cannot deny that I am upset. Here this person is again, under my skin, even more than before. I'm sure it is unintentional, but this person seems to have a goal to take everything that is important to me, and I can't do anything about it. I know it is important to love everyone, and I believe in that principle of life. I know I shouldn't judge without getting to know a person, but I can't make myself like someone. I feel awful that I have such bitter feelings towards this person, but don't judge me. I am honestly doing my best. I am going to use a lovely quote from one of my dear friends, Spring. This is something she said in a blog post in October of 2009:
"You see sometimes people are not who we think they are. At times people come into our lives in unexpected ways. Sometimes the unexpected ones are the ones that end up taking us by storm and changing our lives. For the better at times, other times for the worse. People become fixtures in our life, and we learn to rely on them. We learn to be there for them. Friendship, genuine caring. People become a part of who we are. There have been times in my life when my friends have known me better than I have known myself. People are so amazing. We become protective of the ones we hold most dear. I have done it, and so has everyone else. This is where the other people come in. The people that hurt the ones that are "ours"."
I like to believe that my bitter feelings come from deep feelings sprouted from the desire to protect those people and friends that I care about so deeply.. these people that I have come so close to and come to love.. these people that I have been through so much with, and these people that I have given so much of myself to, these people I would sacrifice anything for... these people that I know better than I know myself. I know I can't blame anyone but myself, but I do feel as though because of one particular person, my life changed 100%. I just don't think I could handle that happening again, but I'm afraid it is going to. I use to be one to trust others so easily, but for some reason I now have the hardest time trusting others. When people that I don't trust get close to these people that I like to claim as my best friends, I'm afraid it brings out the worst in me. I hope every day that I can trust my friends, and love these people who get under my skin, but today? Here is the worst of me.. and I am not okay.