i'm a sicky.

So you know that feeling when you have a headache and every noise or light or movement makes you want to die because you think your head is going to explode? Its the worst right? Well it's not. I have found something worse.
I have a body headache. Yep. Every muscle in my body is sore all the way from my eyebrows to my baby toe. Not just a sore-muscle ache, but like a.. I-feel-like-I'm-going-to-die ache.
Am I whining? Yep.
My entire body feels sensitive to sounds and light and movement. I swear whenever I hear a car drive by my knees hurt. Whenever the light turns on I think my back is going to break. No word of a lie. On top of that, my head hurts more than usual.
Throw in a sore throat and a fever just as a cherry on the cake.

I haven't had a fever since I was eleven I don't think. It's great though because at home, my mom would never let me bundle up in blankets when I had a fever in attempts to cool my body temperature down. Ha. I slept with seven blankets last night. I'm not even mad and she doesn't even know. Take over, fever because I'm FREEZING!

Whatever this strange illness is that I have, it is not welcome here.

weheartit.com

It's hard to live up to something that isn't real, isn't it?

Lately I have had a lot of thoughts on the issue of the self-image girls have of themselves. Then I read a couple blog posts and it inspired me to write something of my own. First of all.. you should read the posts that inspired me to write this post. THIS, and THIS. It is seriously all so true...

 source.

Do you believe that once upon a time I dated a boy who told me he preferred blondes to brunettes...? It's true. This same boy later told me that he had a weight category for his future wife. 107lbs - 114lbs. The worst part is I didn't even realize at the time just how cruel that was for him to say. Does he plan on his wife giving him children??... Seriously. It makes me cringe. It is truly disgusting.. and I am so happy I am no longer involved with that boy even the slightest, and I am sorry for whatever girl thinks that she has to live her entire life falling into his "weight category". Another boy I dated even earlier in life continuously teased me because about my "squishy" stomach. He said he loved that it was squishy, and I honestly think he truly believed he was making me more confident by telling me that he liked my flaws, but a girl hearing that she is "squishy" isn't exactly endearing.....?

I just want to quickly point out that I am not blaming boys for being the cause of eating disorders or poor self-esteem. It has been scientifically proven that girls with eating disorders don't logically understand the concept of food and calories even if it is explained to them a million times. They truly have a distorted image of themselves. It is a disease. It can't be cured with a few positive comments of how beautiful they are; however, boys can certainly influence for the better or the worse. I find that never talking about the size of a girl in general is the best way to avoid that. Even if you are talking about a different girl, or a random person in passing... the girls you are with will hear. She will analyze, and she will compare.. Am I right girls?

Lucky for me, I have been strong thus far in life,  and I haven't given in to the media and magazines and believed what is portrayed as a "perfect" body... but I have certainly been close. How could I not? Everyone girl in the world has seen a picture of Megan Fox and witnessed how the guys literally drool over her. And yes boys, hearing how beautiful the air-brushed movie stars are affects us. That gives us something to compare ourselves to, and do you know how hard it is to compare yourself to a photoshopped/airbrushed photo? Yes, media does this to males as well. Try it sometime... Go into Abercrombie and Fitch and compare your body to the models you see on the walls. It's hard to live up to something that isn't real, isn't it.

Of course this sort of thing affects me. Yes.. I have gone through phases where my scale is my best friend. I have been involved in some severe calorie counting, and certainly had my share of negative thoughts about my body. I have had close friends who have struggled with eating disorders and self-confidence issues when it comes to their weight or body shape. I have had at least three close friends personally confide in me about an eating disorder, and I know there are even more. This isn't just something that is heard on TV or read about in books. These issues are honestly right under your nose.

I guess I just want to tell everyone how I have come to peace with myself. First of all, I have been active my entire life. Exercise is truly so important. Not just to be strong, or to have a perfect body, or because everyone else exercises, but because it keeps your body going. It revitalizes you. It strengthens you. It makes you feel good about yourself. I will admit, I struggle with this whole exercising business. Doesn't curling up on the couch with a box of Lindors and The Notebook sound so much more appealing than running on a treadmill?.... Sure, when I was little I ran around 90% of the day, and through Junior High and High School I was either dancing or playing sports. I have found that now I am not exercising as much, I have seen my body change. I do need to make a conscious effort to exercise more and here it is in writing.. I am going to be better from now on.

I have come awfully close to hating my body. It truly isn't how it used to be. Yes, I am only 19 and I'm sure when I am 45 and have six kids I will read this and laugh, but honestly it has changed. I just can't fit into size zero pants folks. Even if I was just skin and bone, it wouldn't work. I have hips. I have a soft stomach that you can even squeeze. It is just the way I am. That's how girls are made.

What has helped me be at peace with my body, is the fact that it is a gift from God. My body was given to me to maintain. It was given to me so at the appropriate time, I can be the home for a developing child. God has trusted me to be able to bear His children, and I think I owe it to Him to at least love myself. Being strong and healthy is just one way I can make sure I am capable of being able to have children someday. I truly can't imagine being so selfish today and starving my body of essential vitamins and minerals just to be skinny. I am not saying this so insult girls with this issue. Trust me. I am just saying that with myself, that has been the thing that has helped me accept who I am and love myself. Girls, can you please just imagine someday, having to look your husband in the eye, and tell him you aren't able to have children and knowing exactly why? Can you imagine thinking back to the day you sat kneeling in front of the toilet and purging the food that you had consumed? Can you think back to the aching teeth and trembling hands and the self-hating as you convinced yourself you could maintain your body without food? The results are truly this dramatic. The thought of my body being constantly prepared to give birth to a child someday is truly the one thing that helps me love myself. What a privilege it will be to one day be able to have a beautiful child of my own. I know that by eating what I am supposed to, and by exercising and keeping myself strong and healthy, I am showing God that I am grateful for his gift to me.

For those girls, and boys, out there who are struggling.. you really can get help. Ask someone you trust or someone who loves you. I promise there is someone who will support you.
Your body is a gift. Please remember that. =)

ask for source.

just wondering.

Well, it's 2:37 am. 

Should I be sleeping? 

Yes.

Can I sleep? 

No.

Why not? 

Because.

source.

just some stuff.

I got an ultrasound today. I didn't think I'd have one of those until I was pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.. just to keep that clear.

I'm starting to enjoy my calcium supplements?

My favorite thing to do is post pictures of cats on Michelle's wall.

My bones ache.

I swear people should not complain about aching bones until they are at least twenty five.

Grey's Anatomy makes me cry, every episode.

My favorite thing is when a friend gets their wisdom teeth out. =)

I miss BYU.

Being back in southern Alberta makes me a lot of things.. mostly... asldkfjalsdkf.

I deleted over 200 facebook friends. Sorry if you were one of them..

I don't want to unpack my things, because I am in denial that I am back here. Yes. I am still living out of my suitcases.

I'm hoping I move away soon.

If one more medical person pokes a needle into me I'm going to have a hissy fit.

My hair is that awkward between short and long length, and I hate it.

Maybe I'll try putting blonde in my hair? HA. Funny...

I haven't had my usual nightly chat with Spring for a few nights, and I'm finding myself ranting to other people. I think I'm scaring them away.

Chicken crackers?

Do not ask me how many episodes of Grey's Anatomy I've watched this week. You don't want to know.

When my friends are upset, I am upset too.

I suffer when I'm awake for more than four hours at a time.

My facebook chat is broken. It has been for over a week.

The spinning rainbow needs to die.

I can't apply for a job yet, because we still don't know whats wrong with me.

I miss my room mates.

It is soooooooo windy here.

You know that book off of Harry Potter? The one by Tom Riddle that won't disappear? I have one of those. The book just refuses to be destroyed.

I feel bad when I'm grumpy when I hang out with friends, but sometimes it just happens.

My mom made me soup again.

Every time I cross that bridge on the highway, I get all nostalgic. I'm so lame.

I'm done being lame now.

My facebook chat is fixed! Best day ever.

Life sure has a lot of twists and turns, doesn't it?

Well, I've been awake for three hours now and I'm ready for another nap.

what i miss most.

Well. I already miss Provo.
I miss the beautiful weather. I miss the fact that I could still wear shorts and flip flops, because it is still summer.
I miss hearing "Come, Come Ye Saints".. slightly off key.. every hour, reminding me that I was at the best university ever.
I miss the little bird that chirps at the crosswalk, and I miss our squeaky fridge.
I miss Tessa, and they way she takes so long to put on her mascara. I miss watching the OC with her until way too late, and spending all afternoon watching it, not caring if we were being anti-social.
I miss my other room mates. Kristalyn, Liz, Corinne and Korinne. We had such a good group of room mates. I loved how everyone just did their own dishes. I miss hearing Kristalyn playing the guitar, and Corinne's cute high pitched laugh, and her cooking. I miss Liz always cooking up something fabulous in the kitchen too. I miss how Korinne was such a sweet heart. Honestly, she has a heart of gold. :)
I miss the long walk to the JSB, but how all my classes were in there on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
I even sort of miss Professor Patterson's ugly bow ties.
I miss how it was so hard to get the temperature of the shower just right.
I miss how squeaky our front door was.
I miss how squeaky all of our doors were.
I take it back, I don't miss anything about Professor Patterson. :)
I miss how exciting it was to get mail.
I miss Tuesday morning devotional in the Marriott, and how the bell tower would try and play church hymns when we went but failed miserably.
I miss walking through the Wilk and hearing some fabulously talented person playing on that little piano the corner.
I miss walking home from creative writing and watching the fencing class on the lawn in front of the Wilk.
I miss Human Development, and how much Professor Nelson loved that class.
I miss my iClicker. I felt so important when I used that, even though I always chose the wrong answer.
I miss how new everything was. No one knew me, and no one really cared to. :)
I miss leaving the book store and having people try to sell me Starving Student Cards.
I miss the smell of the Cougareat on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I wish I would have figured out what smelled so good all the time.
I miss Jamba Juice. OOH how I miss Jamba Juice!!
I miss the school spirit. Everyone just loves BYU.

More than anything? I miss my writing class. I miss how it was the perfect class for me. I miss Professor Woods, and Katie, the nice girl who sat by me. I miss Erikka, the girl who actually wasn't in our class but came anyway. I miss how we would take ten minute breaks because that class was so long, but I absolutely loved all two and a half hours of it. I miss how the entire class period consisted of reading each other's work, and reading other short stories. I miss how class was held in the Dean of Humanities office around a conference desk in conference chairs. I miss how that class would make me write, all the time.

Southern Alberta? Please, please be good to me.. :(

things plus esophagus.

I have a million things to do, and a million thoughts, and a million ideas going through my head. I can't focus them to make one post so I will just write them down. This post is inspired by Springs recent posts.

Southern Alberta. Really?

I don't know how to pack.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to drink raspberry lemonade to compensate for the ginormous jug I have to leave behind. :(

Do you think the plane will let me carry on my oversized poster of Audrey Hepburn?

Why did I buy that jug of raspberry lemonade? It hardly even fits in our fridge.

Pain killers = heaven.

Medical Notes can do absolutely anything you want them to.

In twenty four hours I will be in the sky.

Southern Alberta.. REALLY??

Why is it that raspberry lemonade keeps insisting on entering my dreams?

I hate my American phone. I am almost done with it.

Goodbye writing class. :( And girl named Katie who likes how I write. You were nice. We could have been friends.

I'm leaving everything here. I hope it comes home to me soon.

Who would have thought leaving would require more work than staying?

I'm a terrible packer.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to eat the entire day.

Raspberry lemonade sounds so good right now.

Goodbye people I never met, and people I did meet.

Jamba Juice? I was so excited about our developing relationship. You shall be missed.

Kristalyn, Liz, Corinne and Korinne, I'm glad we had these two weeks together. Please don't just remember me as that one room mate who got sick.

Tessa. You can survive I know it. But stay away from that one guy?..

I love friendly messages from people who care.

Raspberry Lemonade isn't even good. I don't even know why I keep trying to drink it.

When I can swallow again, I think I will never stop swallowing, ever again.

What do I take home?

Goodbye thirty degree weather.

I'm keeping one of my text books.. shh....

Southern Alberta...

I secretly have been craving a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger combo from Wendys, with a diet coke and an extra frosty... all supersized for a week now. Oh well.

There are a lot of different kinds of Chicken Noodle Soup you know.

What do you do if you can't swallow without pain medication, but the pain medication makes you throw up what you swallow?

Southern Alberta. I don't even want to know what that means.

People are so kind sometimes.

What about my meal card that has so much money on it? I can't even use it. Such a disgrace.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to Quizno's. They have raspberry lemonade.

Goodbye super small miniature dorm sized bed. Hello king sized cloud. I have missed you so. :)

I heard its going to snow at home. Kill me now.

What does one do with returned tuition money that they have been saving? Save again? or maybe shop?

Two more weeks until I feel better. I think I can survive.

When I can swallow again, I'm going to consume ridiculous amounts of penny candy.

Southern Alberta... oh dear...

If you have a weak stomach, maybe don't look. This is my esophagus. That white stuff? Its not supposed to be there. Its all just supposed to be pink apparently.

I better go return my text books now.

home?

So. I guess I'm going home?

Ask me how I feel about that?

: Well, I am tired of being sick here, and I am tired of not being able to see my own doctor and having to worry about getting to and from appointments, so I guess home is a good option.

: Well, I do miss home a little bit.

: Well.. no. I just can't?

: I do miss my bed?

: Please wake me from this nightmare. I am just starting to love it here?

: I'd rather not think about what that means. Cardston? .. again? hmm..

: Well, no thank you? I'll just stay right here please..

: No comment.

I guess I don't have a choice..

just a few thoughts.

Well, this isn't going to be a different sort of post. Perhaps more informative because I don't know how to beat around the bush with this one? I will do my best, because that is my favorite thing to do. It has been an interesting and challenging few days for me. There are numerous reasons why, beginning with the ridiculous amount of reading I have to do by tomorrow morning... but I am incapable of reading my text books because they are much to heavy for me.. because I have beyond zero energy.. because  have not been able to eat or drink anything in 4 days now? Minor detail, really. Okay so I guess I could probably do my reading, but this headache I have is really making it hard for me to even blink. Also.. I'm getting rather thirsty?

Ok. To put it out straight, I'm sick. I'm not sure whats wrong, but I'm tired of it. Basically, like I said before, I can't eat or drink. Not because I can't keep it down, but because I can't get it down to start with. Everyone keeps telling me to suck it up and drink something even if it hurts. I don't think anyone really understands. This isn't the strep throat sort of pain in your throat. It is much deeper than that, and there is something so much more wrong than a simple sore throat. Today, as my dear sister is trying to get me to drink something, I finally come up with the only analogy I can think of. "Its not that simple. If someone told you that you had to cut off your arm, even though it hurt, could you do it? Sometimes you just can't inflict that sort of pain upon yourself." Yes, I have been to the doctor and yes I have called home and been taking ridiculous amounts of medication but nothing seems to be doing the trick. Alright. Enough about my odd health issues that I am learning the best way to deal with is just sleeping the entire day away.. I have had an eye opening weekend.

I have learned just how much I appreciate family. I have been living at my sister's and her husband's quaint little apartment, specifically designed for two. Sometimes it is nice just to be around family, you know? I'm sure it is a hassle to have my here, but she keeps on insisting that I stay here. My mom and dad have also called me a thousand million times today to check up on me, and I appreciate them so much for that.

I also appreciate good family friends. Our family doctor took time out of his already overly busy Sunday afternoon, to call me because he heard that I wasn't doing well and was worried. It was a typical doctors visit, only over the phone. He then called my parents and told them what he thought of everything, and is still very concerned. I so love Cardston, and I miss it a little bit more every day.

I have learned just how much I appreciate Canada's health care system. I know some people may disagree, but it is the best. You'd think the fact that I waited in the emergency room for seven and a half hours on Saturday would be the worst part. It wasn't. Not even being hooked up to all the strange machines that I had only seen on Grey's Anatomy and having strange concoctions of medications shoved down my throat would maybe be the worst. Wrong again. The thought of the huge medical bill that my parents were going to possibly be surprised with very soon made me feel awful. They said not to worry, but how could I not?

I have learned that I truly have the best friend ever. Not ever in my lifetime have I ever had a friend be so genuinely concerned about my health and well being as this one in particular. The thing is, there is probably about 2039482039 things going on in his life, well actually, I know for a fact there is, but he still took the time to put everything aside, and figure out if there was anything he could do, make me feel better, and has spent the whole day doing so. It is truly touching to know that someone cares about me that much. I am so lucky. :)

I am not sure we can ever be completely ready for the challenges that life presents, but I do know that there are always people there that will help you and people who are so genuinely concerned about you that they cry right along with you. There are people who will wait in a hospital with you for seven hours and listen to you complain about how thirsty you are. There are people that will take you to the pharmacy in the middle of their afternoon and sit in the aisle on the ground as you burst into tears as you try to guzzle down some fruit smoothie. There are always people who will remember to fast and pray, and there are always people who are willing to give you a blessing. People are amazing, and I am so grateful for those people who have been a positive influence in my life thus far, and for those people who have tried so incredibly hard to help me carry my burdens when I feel I cannot do it anymore. Hopefully things start getting better soon, but if not, I guess that is just life?