When I woke up this morning, my first thought was how much I was looking forward to writing my blog post. I remembered it was day thirty, and I knew just exactly what that meant. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, just so I could be absolutely sure of what to say in this post.
Day 30 - my reflection in the mirror.
When I looked at you, you were a wreck—a train wreck. I'd like to say a pretty little wreck, but pretty and you simply do not belong in the same sentence. My hair displayed the chaos of were once perfect curls that I so carelessly put in my hair so ridiculously early the morning prior. My eyes. Oh, my sad, sorry eyes. Slightly red, slightly swollen, probably due to the lack of sleep combined with the humiliation—not jealousy—drawn tears that took over my life the previous night. Pathetic really, but I won't deny it. Whatever mascara was on my eyelashes the previous day stained from the corners of my eyes down to the soft navy blue shirt I thoughtlessly selected while dressing for the day, what seemed to be only minutes before.
What was a perfect night spent with two of my dearest friends filled with checking things off bucket lists, starbucks, watching a friend play hockey, because he asked me to come, laughing, five cent candy, speech impediments, Lauren, pwice checks, singing and laughing, was immediately transformed into one of the most hellish nights I have ever experienced, all because of miscommunicated words, assumptions, the turning away of friends I truly thought existed, and the idea that making another person feel so completely horrible about herself.. would be the ultimate way to spend an evening. Yes, I was the object of pointing and laughing. I was the source of that car full of people's joy. Some people I don't even know. Sure, these seems like such a little thing and to be honest, I have been pointed and laughed at thousands of times before, but this time was different. Different because, it was all for the games of others. Thank goodness that two fifths of the world is filled with people kind enough to not judge a situation that they simply don't understand. And I thank those two sweet girls for that and I hope they know that I think they are darling and great and I wish we could have come to know each other on different terms. I suppose one fifth thinks she knows, but she doesn't and she never has and she should really just stop trying to think she does. I suppose I will just leave it at that, because she simply does not understand either so I can't blame her. Another one fifth knew better, and I appreciate him for that. I appreciate the extra trip he made not even hours later to apologize personally for acting the way he did. The last one fifth? People think differently of that one fifth. I know the person he is. To be honest, I have always thought highly of him, because I know him too. He truly is great, isn't he? But the person he is to everyone in the world is different than the person he is to me. There is another side that only comes out when I am around that he will deny until he dies, and it is ultimately the reason for you, my train wreck reflection in the mirror.
Fortunately, life continues and days end. Sleep comes and time heals. I could say a million bitter things. I could tell the entire detailed story, but it would take me a lifetime and I am not ready for that. I could use names and quote word for word just exactly what went on, but it's no use. I could again explain my exact whereabouts at 11:30pm last night. I could say so many mean things. I could cause many more problems, but it is no use. I will not hide the fact that everything I have done is far from perfect, but everything I have done or said has been genuine, and I believe that to be important. I am who I am, and I will be that person to every single person who comes into my life. I will not change from day to day, (disregarding the occasional bad day and mood swing..) and I will be okay. So, reflection, thank you for reminding me of what kind of a person I do not want to be. Thank you for showing me that I am a human being. I am genuine. I am capable of being utterly humiliated, but that is because I care.
ask me for the source if you care. =)
Oh happy day. I am done my thirty day challenge and thank goodness I can write whatever I want once again. Today I found my creative writing folders grades one through six. I was so cute, not even kidding. Also, look here what I found! It has been an exceptionally wonderful day. It has been one of those days where I feel like packing my bags and moving into a city far away and never coming back, because life is so great and there is so much more to it than I have yet been able to find. I believe I am about to start a fabulous new adventure. I can't wait.